Four Rules I Followed to Stop Messing Around and Get Stronger
Do you know those people who apologize for everything , and you point it out to them, and then they apologize for their apology? Yeah, it’s me. All my life I have been a trifle, but the older I get, the worse it gets. I finally decided to do something about it.
I’m not sure where it started, but I know where it culminated. My fiance and I have just locked ourselves in our house. I spent years saving for the down payment, it also saved a little bit, and we were very glad that together we got things off the ground. However, in the process, I noticed something: it’s all about him. When I submitted the escrow payment, the company thanked him . The mortgage firm just called him . He received all the phone calls. As if I had nothing to do with all this. We were joking, but then came the turning point. I submitted our final loan documents, they were approved and we officially became a homeowner. I sent a thank you letter to which the mortgage firm responded:
“You’re betting. Congratulations Brian! “
It was so stupid, it was funny. But I didn’t laugh. I got angry. It seemed silly, but I wanted to feel responsible for the goal I was aiming for. Instead, I felt powerless and invisible. I spewed a series of curses, and my friend, who was sitting next to me, said that she had never seen me angry before. I apologized. I felt guilty for not being grateful . After all, I was buying a house, and I should just be happy about it.
“No need to apologize,” she said. “You can be grateful and still want your moment.”
Now I know that I am a quiet person. I am silent. And I can be a trifle. So I can understand how it happened. And it wasn’t just this incident that pushed me over the edge. Those were the years when friends undermined me , employers overloaded me with work, and colleagues did not respond favorably. I felt powerless. I realized that I could keep complaining about this or understand why this is happening. So, I sat down, thought about it, and then came up with a few rules to follow in order to stop being a trifle and also expand my possibilities. I was not going to change my personality, but I would like to change some of the bad social habits that were holding me back.
Be straight
Like many people, I hate confrontation . Some of us hate him so much that we avoid anything that even remotely resembles him. Can’t a car salesman do better? It’s okay, I’ll take it. Did the restaurant receive a wrong order? I’ll deal with this.
I bet the whole household situation would have been sorted out from the start if not for my annoying fear of confrontation . Nobody knew how annoyed I was that I did not participate in the process, and how are they? I never said anything because I didn’t want to ruffle my feathers.
But here’s the thing. It is entirely possible to convey your point of view without entering into confrontation – this is called straightforwardness. Being direct is simply saying what you think or feel about something. This is objective and reasonable. On the other hand, confrontation is a frustrated and aggressive response.
When I thought about it, I realized how many cases of my weakness could be corrected with a little frankness. So “being direct” became Rule # 1.
I’m not the only one who has an unreasonable fear of being too aggressive. A study from Columbia University (PDF) examined assertiveness and self-awareness. The subjects conducted simulated negotiations and then rated their assertiveness. The researchers found that people with normal self-confidence overestimated themselves quite strongly:
Many people who were thought to be assertive enough by their colleagues mistakenly thought they were being considered overly assertive – a new effect we call the line-crossing illusion … their colleagues saw them as being overly assertive or overly assertive.
In other words, no one thinks that I am actually confrontational when I express myself. This was reassuring and helped me stick to the rule. Finally I called the mortgage company. I was straightforward but polite and just told them that I was also well received. They apologized of course, and although the whole process was already completed, I felt a little stronger as I said that.
Don’t be afraid to say no
A few months ago, a friend asked me to help with a project. It seemed simple enough at first, but it got harder as the project progressed. The more seriously she took the project, the more letters she sent and the more work I had to do. Between that and a bunch of other commitments, I felt like I couldn’t control my free time.
As I began to think about how stressed and helpless I felt, I realized that a lot of this could be fixed if I simply gave up the things that were taking my time and productivity.
“I hate doing this,” I told my friend. “But I’m stretching and I don’t think I can give it as much time as you need.” Light. And, because she is a reasonable person, she understands, and thanked me for the time I dedicate.
Around the same time, the client asked if the already tight deadline could be shortened to get something early. That would mean working twelve hours a day, and I’ve already seen myself burn out and degrade the quality of my work. My immediate reaction — the behavior that has long been my default — is to obey unconditionally. However, I remembered my rule and explained to the client that, unfortunately, I did not think I could change it, but I will submit it as soon as possible. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose my job. However, I knew what would happen if I accepted: I would overwork, curse the client, and resent the job in a powerless fit of rage. If I said no , I would have the time it takes to get the job done and get it right. Moreover, I would feel that I can control my time and results. It was worth the risk for me and luckily they agreed.
Of course, it’s not always that easy. We all have necessary obligations that we cannot refuse. However, I think we often convince ourselves that certain tasks are mandatory when they shouldn’t be. This was probably the simplest rule, because the payout is instant. You say no and immediately feel that your burden is lightening.
Accept your accomplishments
When someone compliments me, I either compliment them or insult myself. In any case, I reject it. People reject compliments for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are shy and don’t like the attention. Maybe they have low self-esteem. Maybe they are afraid of being pompous.
Whatever the reason, leveraging your strengths can boost your self-confidence in many ways. When you feel that you are in control of your accomplishments and actions , you feel strong. This is why a weekly list of your accomplishments can be very motivating. This is how A Life of Productivity explains it :
I started doing something simple: keeping a list of all my weekly accomplishments. I don’t put everything I do on this list, but after a week I add my bigger accomplishments to it … This list allows me to think about how much I am doing, not just how much I am doing. This pushes me to do less work and focus more on my important tasks, which are actually prompting me to do something.
It’s not about patting yourself on the back. It is a reminder to yourself that you are in control of your performance; that your hard work really pays off. What’s more, knowing how to accept compliments and accepting accomplishments can also tell you a lot about your strengths . We often take our strengths for granted because they come easily to us, but when we actually accept compliments and celebrate achievement, we can identify those strengths and use them to our advantage.
I have made it a rule to acknowledge my strengths. One way to accomplish this is to maintain a weekly achievement list. When it comes to compliments, define your default response and then get in the habit of replacing it with a more inspiring response. A simple “thank you” will do. It sounds easy when you say that, but when you are not used to it, you have to completely change your mentality.
Don’t catch someone else’s stress
Around the time I started this experiment, I had a phone call with a potential client. They wanted me to write blog posts for them, which is nothing new to me, so I let them know about my availability. I could get something in about a week, given my current schedule. “We really need something by Monday morning,” they said. “We have a very tight deadline, sorry.” Considering that it was the end of the week, this meant that I would have to work on the weekend. Moreover, they asked if I could lower the price for a shorter article.
I had to say no, but I agreed and spent a relaxing Saturday working for a client. I didn’t do this because I needed money or because I really liked the job. As funny as it sounds, I did it because their stress was compelling. During the phone call, I also felt stressed, as if it had to be done, it had to be done quickly, and they could not find another writer. I felt like their only hope.
Nice to offer help, don’t get me wrong. However, I had a bad habit of catching other people’s stress . But it wasn’t even a friend or family member who needed help. It was a business that wanted to delegate their urgent matter and for some reason I approached it. I might be able to help by advising them to contact another writer, or by respecting their time and ending the phone call. But I didn’t help. I just solved their problem myself. In turn, this caused me stress, bitterness and resentment. And it was my fault – I agreed!
It goes hand in hand with saying no, but stress can be contagious whether the person asks for your help or not. Aside from this incident, I realized how much I let other people’s stress get through to me. If you are the type of person who loves to solve problems, you can probably find common ground. We cannot expect people to not bring their stress to us, but we must not accept it. Of course, it’s one thing when it’s a job you’ve already signed up for and you’re ready for the stress that comes with it . There is a big difference between your boss asking you to do your job and someone else just blaming you. When you take on other people’s stress, you have less time to deal with your own problems, and that’s when you start to feel out of control. At least I know.
In the end, authority and confidence comes from within – and all this other bullshit – but let’s be honest. The actions and reactions of other people can affect us. Whether we agree with commitments that we can’t handle, trying to solve everyone’s problems, or just keeping quiet, these are bad habits that can affect you. It helped me to identify these habits and come up with some rules to change them. I focused on one by one, and eventually I began to feel like I was in a little more control over my situation.