How to Stop Being a Complete Fake Tone
Years ago, a friend told me about a self-help book she had read. It sounded like complete nonsense, but I didn’t have the heart to say it. Instead, I showed interest and told her it was great. So she kept talking about it and urged me to read it until I admitted that it just wasn’t mine. “Although you seem to be so interested,” she said. Yeah, it was just that I was a complete deceiver.
Fake people get a bad reputation. I mean, inauthenticity is not a good quality, don’t get me wrong. But by all accounts, fake people kill liars. We are not – at least not all of us. Some of us just don’t like to offend people. Some of us just want to feel accepted, which is why we are very sweet. Or maybe you are afraid of conflict, so you are ready to avoid it at all costs. The point is that we can all sometimes seem unreliable, and usually this is not for some misanthropic reason.
However, this inaccuracy can backfire on you. People love you less. You become a rag . You get sucked into reading bad self-help books. However, it is not so difficult to get rid of the habit of being fake. It just takes some practice.
Beware of good social habits that backfire
For some of us, charisma is more natural than for others, but it’s a learned habit. For example, my friend – let’s call him Bo – has one of the most attractive personalities I have ever encountered. Everyone immediately loves him when they meet him. I once told Bo how lucky he was to be so outgoing and lovable. “Oh, this is unnatural ,” he told me. “I hate being around people. I just look at every social interaction as a challenge to get sympathy, and I think it works. “
I was amazed, but it suggests that charisma and confidence are habits that can be practiced and learned. The problem is, like any habit, they can be misunderstood. It is easy to overcompensate to the point where they backfire.
For example, charismatic people ask questions and are interested in subjects that the other person cares about, and Beau did a great job with that. I tried to do the same with my friend’s self-help book. I tried to get interested and ask questions, but I didn’t really care and I didn’t agree with anything. There is a fine line between developing good social habits and overworking. So how do you avoid the fake side of this line?
Focus less on “charisma”, more on sincerity
“Focus on yourself” at first seems like the opposite of charisma. Charismatic, likeable people make their audience feel important and heard. Keep in mind, though, that they don’t sacrifice their thoughts, behavior, and opinions for sympathy, which is what fake people do.
During social interactions, by all means listen and participate, but do not lose sight of yourself. You don’t have to agree with someone to listen to them. Here’s what the Art of Charm says about it :
Your subcommunications, such as body language and the way you speak, will eventually sell you. People will understand that you are trying to win them over, and this will upset them. Instead of putting on a show for others, just try to entertain yourself. Do the shit that makes you laugh and have a good time. This will cheer you up, and communication will become easy and fun.
During social interactions, I try to take care of myself. When someone tells me about something they are reading, doing or thinking, I automatically say, “This is so wonderful!” so that man is good, whatever it is. To break this habit, I ask myself, “What do you think of this, Christine?” This elicits a much more sincere reaction. I don’t need to tell them, “This sounds like the worst thing in the world,” but I also don’t need to tell them that this is great.
Here’s one more thing. If you’re worried about being charismatic, keep in mind: people don’t like charisma , they mostly like real people . If sympathy bothers you, there is probably nothing more enjoyable than just being yourself.
Don’t be afraid to disagree
Part of learning to be less phony is learning how to let go of being compliant. For inauthentic people, our reaction is usually to simply agree with what we hear. Again, we can do this because we want to be liked, or we just don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or we don’t want to avoid conflict. But being too compliant has unpleasant consequences. This is what Nisha Balaram says in Tiny Buddha:
For me, compliance turned into something ugly and submissive, in which I at times did not recognize myself. When arguing, I tried to yield; however, when I was alone, I was captured by self-pity and resentment … If you don’t think about how you really feel, consent is just another mask that you put on to hide from the world. If you don’t give yourself the opportunity to express yourself , you can feel tired and resentful.
I can relate to this 100%. It’s a little sad, but at times I am so pleasant that I no longer know who I am and what I want. Later, I start to resent others, because I don’t feel that I can be myself next to them.
For example, I recently expressed my opinion in front of a friend, and he said: “This is ridiculous.” Instead of participating in the discussion, I gave up. “Oh. Well, what do you think?” I asked, and then I found a way to negotiate with him to avoid conflict. Later I took offense at him for not letting me express my opinion. But here’s the thing: he didn’t stop me from expressing my opinion; he just spoke his own.
The point is, being kind, especially over time, can tire you completely.
To break the habit, try to distinguish the perspective from the person. Forbes offers :
Disagreeing with someone else’s point of view can activate his defense as he jumps to protect his particular view of the situation. Therefore, it is important to distinguish the opinion you are opposing from the opinion of the person who holds it. This will allow you to disagree that others do not consider arrogant or righteous, but instead respect how they arrived at what they see by offering an alternative point of view. The important thing is that people understand that you are not pushing away them, but their position.
If you are worried about the conflict, remember that you are not in conflict with the person, but only with his point of view. As Forbes notes, this will help you approach the conversation more diplomatically. More importantly, it makes speaking your opinion a little less intimidating .
You can also ask questions. It wasn’t too bad to ask my friend, “Well, what do you think?” However, I didn’t have to agree with him right away. I could keep asking him questions to really feel his point of view and then develop it on my own. Rather than thinking of the conversation in terms of “agree or disagree,” it’s helpful to be curious. I also love this quote by Patrick Allan about curiosity :
If you go from “defensive mode” to “curiosity mode”, you will seem confident that you do not know about something. In addition to this, curiosity speaks of the importance of being present. You are not lost in your mind trying to find answers, you are clearly involved in the conversation.
Being nice or polite doesn’t mean mindlessly agreeing with someone when you don’t. If you find that you disagree by asking questions, you can continue the conversation without feeling fake.
Stop worrying so much about what others think.
Perhaps one of the easiest ways to stop being less fake is to stop caring about how fake you are. We are usually fake because we are too concerned about what others think. Then it doesn’t make much sense to keep dwelling on it. If you are trying to break your phony habit just to please others , you are adding fuel to the fire.
As a shy person , I often think too much about my behavior and interactions with other people. I obsessively ponder everything I say and do and then berate myself for being fake, rude, or stupid. One thing that helped me curb this habit? Understanding that people don’t care . Whether you say phony, sincere, or stupid things, people are, for the most part, too busy with their own shit to bother with your communication style.
And if it’s not about other people, but only about how to cope with your feelings of inauthenticity, this advice still applies. If you want to be more true to yourself, letting go of what other people think is a great way to get started.