Don’t Be Afraid to Complain
Nobody likes to complain, but is it really that bad? Complaints cause catharsis. Complaints give us a reason to talk. Ninety percent of Seinfeld just listened to the complaints of the four characters, and it was entertaining and relevant. Complaints can be harmful and unpleasant, but they can also serve a purpose. You just need to get it right.
Ventilation is nice, but your method matters
The euphemism for complaint is “let the air out,” and it’s enjoyable. When I was working full time in the office, one of my favorite daily rituals was to join my neighbor for a beer after work and complain about our daily crap. We both felt much better after that. It was a great stress reliever.
Of course, ventilation is not always good. My neighbor and I may have found catharsis from our ventilation, but too many complaints can actually hurt your relationship. For example, I often share worldly details with my good friend. But, unlike my neighbor, she is not anxious and does not sympathize with these complaints. Instead, my complaints make her stress, which in turn makes me stressed, so I learn to hold my breath around her.
A 2002 study (PDF) from Iowa State University looked at how to lose our temper and how it affects our anger. For the study, researcher Brad J. Buschman asked students to write an essay that they felt should be graded by a fellow student. When they received their essays, half of the students received a nasty note: “ This is one of the worst essays I’ve read! Some of these students chose to express their anger with a punching bag, and in a follow-up experiment, Bushman found that a group of punching bags were more likely to seek revenge by containing their anger:
The people who beat the punching bag while thinking of the person who provoked them were the most angry and aggressive in this experiment. Ventilation also did not lead to a more positive mood.
This study is often cited as evidence that ventilation is harmful. No complaint, but this is a very specific ventilation method; there is a big difference between punching and casual conversation with a neighbor. I’m not a psychologist, but perhaps it was the punches that made the subjects more angry and aggressive, and not the process of losing their temper.
However, even though this study was intended to disprove the punching bag ventilation approach, some people would still swear it worked for them. For example, in high school I played soccer and throwing shit out of the ball at the end of the day felt better. By the end of the practice, I felt calmer, and exercise had such an effect . Of course, this is anecdotal, but it all shows that it is all about how you approach ventilation, and there are other studies that show this is beneficial.
When the complaint really works
Punching can be an unhealthy way to let off steam, but that doesn’t mean letting off steam is harmful.
A recent study published in the Journal of Social Psychology looks at the links between happiness, mindfulness, and complaint. During the study, subjects listed their favorite stimuli and then completed a questionnaire measuring their happiness, satisfaction, and attentiveness. The study found that complaints were negatively associated with well-being and alertness, but when subjects complained with a decision in mind, they were happier than those who complained for no reason.
If this research is an indicator, meaningless complaints aren’t happy, but complaining with a purpose can. Study author Robin Kowalski told The Atlantic :
“This is part of the strategic nature of the complaints,” says Kowalski. “It’s all about making the best choices, knowing when and to whom to complain.” According to her, the most effective type of complaint occurs when the complainant uses facts and logic, knows what the desired outcome should be, and understands who has the authority to do so .
There is also evidence that ventilation for ventilation is not a bad thing. For example, James Pennebaker, a social psychologist at the University of Texas, conducted a series of studies that found writing is a useful way to deal with traumatic experiences. Of course, traumatic experiences are not the same as everyday annoyances, but it supports the idea that recording your thoughts and anxieties can help relieve stress.
The point is, it’s not a good idea to fight your way through disappointments, but you shouldn’t hold them back either. There is a middle ground between the two extremes, and it all boils down to conscious complaint.
Complain about the plan, not getting out of the habit.
Complaining is often associated with being in the home and not doing it, but it shouldn’t be.
As Kowalski’s research shows, the happiest complainants are those who speak their minds for a specific purpose, not just out of habit. Before you complain, it can be helpful to articulate that goal and consider your audience. For example, my neighbor and I had a clear goal: we wanted to entertain each other and get rid of everyday troubles. And it helped – these complaints seemed so commonplace after the chatter and laughter at them. We didn’t live. We complained so that we could avoid home.
With other complaints, your goal may be the solution. For example, I’ve always enjoyed complaining to my parents about work. I once had a coworker who constantly threw me under the bus and my parents told me their own similar stories that made me feel better and offered their advice on how to manage it, which was helpful. Or, you can complain to your boss about the situation in the hopes that something will get done. Complaining is not necessary anyway. This can serve a purpose.
It is also helpful to remember that complaining is an action and a habit, not a personality trait . You may be used to complaining, but that doesn’t mean you should . My fiance, for example, constantly complains every time we stop at a red light for no reason. It’s kind of funny, like Larry David’s, but it also gets old. “It’s just what I am,” he told me. “I am complaining”. However, this is not quite true. He may be someone who loves to complain, but he hasn’t come out of his womb complaining about a traffic light. Author Steve Pavlina puts it this way:
Perhaps the most important step in breaking your complaining habit is separating the unwanted behavior from your personality. A common mistake of chronic complainants is to identify with negative thoughts that arise in their head. Such a person may admit, “I know I am responsible for my thoughts, but I don’t know how to stop thinking negatively so often.” It seems like a step in the right direction, and to a certain extent it is, but it is also a trap. Taking responsibility for your thoughts is good, but you don’t want to identify with those thoughts to the point where you end up blaming yourself and feeling even worse.
Complaining and negativity can certainly serve a purpose , but in order for that to happen, you need to make sure that you are in control of the behavior and not the other way around.
How to break the habit of complaining
However, purposeful exhalation can easily become an unproductive and unhealthy habit. In the article “Becoming a Minimalist,” writer Joshua Becker offers some helpful tips on how to break this habit. One of my favorite ways is not to start a conversation with a complaint:
Notice how often we start a discussion with a complaint. Often, even subconsciously, this tactic is used because it elicits an increased response. Take it out of your arsenal. And try to cheer you up with your first phrase instead.
Like many bad habits, it also helps you notice your triggers. Maybe it’s red lights. Maybe when your partner comes home at the end of the day. Either way, recognizing the trigger that leads to your complaints can help you spot the habit and avoid it.
It also helps you understand why you are complaining. For example, Becker cautions against corroborative complaints, also known as humble bragging:
Sometimes our complaints are used to validate our value to others. “ I’m so busy ” is a good example. We often say this to subtly state our importance. Don’t try to impress others with your complaints.
Oddly enough, one day my friend and I realized that we both constantly complained about our life, because we felt guilty. “I’m really very happy,” he told me. “I just didn’t want to shove it in your face.” And I did the same! He complained all the time, so I thought he was unhappy, and I complained to make him feel better, so he thought I was unhappy. The point is, understanding the cause of your complaint can go a long way in helping you break the habit. Most likely there is a stupid reason behind this.
It also helps you focus on what makes you happy. Researcher Joyce Bono explains how this can deal with workplace complaints:
People are unlikely to stop talking about negative experiences at work. It’s natural. But deliberately focusing on positive developments can provide a balance. We don’t recommend posting posters with joy, but companies can take steps to intelligently help people notice and share positive experiences. For example, how about starting a meeting with an overview of what has been good lately, rather than jumping straight to what needs improvement? … Before you turn on the radio or call while driving home, take some time to reflect on the good things that happened at work. It can help you capitalize on a small, natural stream of daily positive events – an ubiquitous but all too often overlooked source of strength and well-being.
You don’t have to be cheerful and alert all the time; it’s about balance. Try this diary technique suggested by productivity writer Eric Barker:
Write down what you are looking forward to.
People who take the time to anticipate the fun become happier.
So make plans at least once a week, write them down, and when you need help, look at what lies ahead …
Record your progress
Want to know your strengths and weaknesses? Make predictions, write them down and compare them with the results. This is a great way to find out where your natural abilities are and if you are improving.
Write down your worries
Research shows that writing messages about your worries can calm you down and even increase your productivity …
With this method, you express your dissatisfaction, but you also balance it out with what you are optimistic about, which gives you a more realistic and complete picture of your day. In short, focusing a little on gratitude helps to divert attention from meaningless complaints.
Complaining is not so bad. On the other hand, thoughtless complaints can be a real nuisance. It also annoys others. However, knowing how, why, and to whom you are complaining can help you get the most out of your ventilation without letting it tire you out.