How to Be a Good Listener When Someone Needs to Blow Their Air
When you allow someone to vent your frustration, you become a good friend, caring family member, and comforting soul mate. However, being a good listener often takes a little more effort than nodding his head while he rants. You want the people you care about to feel comfortable, understand, and approve.
Everyone needs to blow off some steam from time to time, and people love good listeners. Maybe your friend is having a hard time at work, or maybe your significant other is going through a family drama and has no one to turn to. While you’re (probably) not a professional therapist , that doesn’t mean you can’t listen to their concerns or offer a shoulder to cry. If you get it right, you can listen to everyone (even your coworkers) without exhausting yourself completely.
Open the floodgates and make them feel comfortable
Making a friend feel comfortable is sometimes as easy as showing a friendly body language . Little things like dropping or tilting your head, sitting somewhere underneath them so you don’t tower over them, looking into their eyes and smiling can make them more comfortable to open. If you are listening to a romantic partner or someone else with whom you are very close, a pleasant touch can also help. Gregorio Billikopf of the University of California , Berkeley , who studies interpersonal relationships, conflict resolution and mediation, and interpersonal negotiation skills, suggests inviting them to sit down . An invitation can be as simple as a gesture, but it says that you are interested and willing to listen carefully.
As soon as everyone seems comfortable, feel free to get down to business. In their book Friendship: Making and Keeping Friends, Harold H. Doley and Mike Fraser recommend asking you a few simple questions. If your significant other is visibly annoyed with something, for example, start with something like, “Did I do something to bother you?” If you are to blame, then you have taken the initiative and are able to fix it. If not, ask questions like “Are you upset about something?” or “Are you worried about something?”
Billikopf also invites you to mentally prepare for what might come your way. Helping someone release their air is like opening a flood gate, and your job is to help them safely empty large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, and frustration:
… that a party that is holding back its emotions needs a release. Such a person is unlikely to (1) think clearly about the problem or (2) be receptive to the external opinion of another. The role of the listener or helper is to allow such a person to open the gate of the castle. When he does this, the water gushes. During this process, the pressure on the person is still too great to take other points of view into account. Only when the water level between the two compartments levels off does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth.
When you offer to listen to yourself, know what you are getting yourself into. If you try too hard to calm or control them, you run the risk of downplaying their complaints and making them feel worse. Open the floodgates and be prepared to stand guard until the emotional pressures equalize.
Be an active listener
While the friend is ventilating, it is important that you listen to what he has to say and actually hear it . Mark Goulston, MD, author of Just Listen , explains that there are two main pitfalls to avoid when listening to someone saying :
Option 1 is to step in and give advice, but this is not the same as listening, and the person making the conclusion may respond, “Just listen to me! Don’t tell me what to do. “
Option 2 (usually taken after Option 1) is to go to the other extreme and sit silently. But this does not help a person who loses their temper to get rid of negative emotions.
The key is to listen and respond in a way that shows you are listening by repeating key information such as names or previous parts of the story. This practice is known as reflective listening . However, try not to look like a parrot on your shoulder . If you hear your coworker say that his boss is loading himself up with extra work and that it makes them nervous, don’t use their exact words to answer. Rephrase in your own words so your coworker knows that you are listening and absorbing information, not just putting it back. For example, you might answer something like, “It doesn’t seem fair that you have to take on extra responsibilities when you already have a lot to do.”
Also, you should never try to change the subject. You might think you are helping by switching your buddy’s attention from his shitty job to the movies, but he just feels rejected and discounted. Avoid multitasking as well. Only one bird and one stone are involved in the listening process. Even if their ventilation seems to have stopped, respect their pauses. Your friend may be looking for words or even finding solutions on their own, so it’s best not to be distracted or too distracted.
According to the Red Cross , non-verbal support can help your friend relax. A nod, a genuine smile, and even “mmm” or “aha” can go a long way to show that you are still engaged. Remember, the more they can relax, the faster their emotional pressure stabilizes and the sooner they feel better. If your friend, for example, has spoken out about his family and you need to reassure him a little, Billikopf recommends asking a ” hanging question” from time to time. Say something like, “So your family makes you feel …?” And extend the word “feel.” They will take this as a signal and finish what you started, and you will earn some extra listening points.
Understanding is more important than fixing
Most often, a person is looking for confirmation and understanding, rather than specific solutions. Michael Rooney, author ofAttractive Communication , suggests practicing “no decision” listening :
Sometimes people just want to get rid of hurtful emotions and get rid of something. And for them, communication does not necessarily mean that their husband, wife, or co-worker propose a solution. They just want to be heard and want to be understood because it hurts inside.
Allow the loosing person to feel what they are feeling. Denise Marigold , assistant professor of psychology at University College Rennison , believes it is best to avoid positive rethinking and false reassurances in an attempt to change the feelings of a person losing their temper. It might be tempting to try and help them feel better, but Merigold explains that if your significant other gives their opinion about their work, they don’t want to be told how good they are, that they are doing well, or that they are okay. will be good. They want to be heard and to take their concerns about their jobs seriously. Unless the deeper issues are involved, they are more likely to come to these conclusions on their own, so give them time to sort out their feelings. It also doesn’t hurt to verbally admit how your significant other is feeling so that they know you understand.
If a person wants your help, he will ask for it. “Don’t do it about yourself by offering your point of view or how you would have done it,” Roney explains. Let them communicate their needs. If your coworker is shy or uncomfortable asking, you can offer your services by asking an open-ended question, such as “Can I do something?” If they do ask for advice or help, Val Walker , grief counselor and author of The Art of Consolation , recommends making your proposals specific , sticking to your proposal, and avoiding any unrealistic promises. For example, don’t just shout, “I’ll help you get through this no matter what. Everything will be okay. “How are you going to help? Do you know that everything will be okay? Instead, say something like,” I’ll call you tomorrow night so we can talk more about this. Hold on, okay? ” how you are going to help (by offering to listen a little more) and you are offering them some support without giving them false hope.
Know when to stop them
While it’s good to let people have their say, you also have to have a limit. Listening to someone else’s complaint over and over again can be toxic and even lead you to voice it to someone else, creating an eruption of frustration that may never end. This is especially problematic when you are spending a lot of time with a significant other, roommate, coworker, or other person. Ventilation can also be a long-term problem for those who do it too often. Leon F. Seltser, Ph.D. , a private psychologist and author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy , explains that for some, getting out may seem like a solution to a problem , and it can become a problem when viable ways to solve their problems exist and they replace action with losing their temper.
If an annoying comment from a coworker becomes too common, Forbes’ Kevin Cruz suggests that you start mentally limiting your listening time. Tell yourself that you will listen for five full, attentive minutes before moving on. To avoid sounding a jerk, you can discreetly put a time limit out loud so they know you’ll hear them, but don’t complain until Armageddon hits. For example, you might suggest listening while you brew a cup of tea for them during your break, or while you both have a snack. Or, even better, diplomatically set a tight timeline directly by saying something like “Of course, let’s talk! I have to call / hold a meeting / finish the report at [X time, this is in five minutes] if that’s okay. ” or “Let’s have a coffee on our way to [the place] and talk later,” and talk to the end of that coffee, and then apologize.
If you’re listening to your significant other or roommate (someone you know well enough) say, you can give them something at the finish line to look forward to. In particular, what you don’t know well cheers them on. For example, you might say, “Tell me what’s going on and then maybe we can watch an episode of (their favorite TV show).” Most likely, they will try to finish their story early in order to move on to interesting things. June Serza Colf, author of How Can I Help? also recommends exercising to release steam in several ways. Offer to listen when you go for a walk, run, or even between sets at the gym.
If someone you are on good terms with speaks up too often and it starts to affect you emotionally, Judith Acosta, co-author of Verbal First Aid , invites you to draw the line carefully. Acosta explains in the Huffington Post :
In a healthier relationship, you might say, “When you complain about things and don’t want to do anything about it, it upsets me. I want to help you, but I see how you only go in circles. “
This will be uncomfortable at first and the person may feel hurt for a moment, but some healthy limits will be set. However, if their complaint is about a serious problem, you should refer your friend for professional help. They may need someone who can really listen to them or offer real help where you cannot.
On the other hand, if you are not close or on good terms with the person who expresses his opinion, Acosta notes that sometimes the only recourse is usually to turn him off completely. It is good to be polite and offer to listen, but it is important to protect your own mental state when people try to take advantage of your kindness. Finally, if you feel a little tired of the constant outing of friends and loved ones, do not hesitate to ask yourself for help.