How to Deal With Me: a Guide for All My Friends
I’m a little finicky. I get fussy when I’m hungry, nervous when I’m not exercising, or anxious when I’m in a large crowd. Most of my old friends know what to do with me when I’m in a strange mood, but new friends (and other significant people) don’t. So, I came up with a user manual for myself to help them (and myself).
So, I didn’t literally write a user manual that sits on my bookshelf for all new acquaintances to read. This exercise was more about taking a look at myself, thinking about what I “need” in the circumstances, and then using that information to help myself and close friends. When I know what I need, I can better deal with situations myself, and when my friends know, it prevents all kinds of awkward situations. It is also helpful for family members and colleagues. Raising this issue in conversation is usually most natural after something happens, but mentioning it over beer is also an easy option.
In fact, anyone who has to do business with you can benefit from knowing a little more about how to do it beforehand. This exercise has improved many of my relationships, and it seems that there are fewer problems in establishing new relationships with them. I highly recommend trying it yourself.
My Dealing-With-Me User Guide
Let’s start by looking at my own user manual in all its infamous beauty. Of course, yours will be different, but everyone loves awkward examples, right?
Example # 1: I’m grumpy for no apparent reason
We all have days when out of nowhere we are just in a bad mood. In my case, this usually manifests itself in brevity in conversation or in general disgust for humanity in general. Case in point: If I’m going to rant about how Star Wars merchandise prey on stupid, buying masses in line at Target, you can probably guess I’m in one of these sentiments.
First things first: don’t tell me to cheer up, smile, or get over it. When you inevitably ask me, “Is everything okay?” and I say, “Yes, I’m just grumpy,” and I’ll leave it as it is. If you keep poking, I’ll get grumpier. When I’m alone, I’ll eventually get out of it and get back to normal. Moreover, in 95% of these cases, the “no apparent reason” part is false. There is a reason: I’m probably hungry. Feed me and I’ll go back to my usual silent gaze rolling up Star Wars merchandise and keep my tirades to myself.
Example # 2: I yell at an inanimate object
Have you ever had one of those moments when you felt like you were alone and you just yell at some inanimate object that you are working on? I do. Between fixing electronics and working on bicycles, there’s a reasonable chance you’ll catch me halfway through my hissing because the handle isn’t doing what it should.
But fear not! It’s just a reflex, a stressful reaction. It has no real effect on my mood or my general attitude. I’m by no means an evil person, so while it may seem odd to me to see me start to hiss, don’t let that change your opinion of me. Just let me go about my business and it will pass. Hell, I probably didn’t notice how you notice me, so if you can pretend you weren’t witnessing this awkward moment, so much the better.
Example # 3: I refuse to leave the house
Maybe it’s all about working from home, or maybe I’ve always been like this, but getting me out of the house can be quite tiring at times. I come up with a lot of excuses to stay, especially if I’m going to meet people I hardly know.
Don’t let me do this! When I’m there, I always get better and sometimes I need an extra push to get there. We all understand that stepping out of our comfort zone is good form , but it doesn’t make things any easier. If you force me, cheer me up, warm me up, and I will believe in it. Even if I’m not thrilled, just walk me through the threshold of the door and everything will be fine. If you’re just trying to get me to leave to do something new, I always appreciate being reminded of how much I love this kind of thing. I know this is a problem that’s mostly on me, but don’t let me make excuses to stay home when it’s obvious that I need to get out.
Example # 4: You need to talk to me about something important
I’m a chatterbox. I probably talk too much because I think too much . So when I have a problem with you , I will immediately go to you and express my feelings directly. I would prefer the same from you.
If I’m doing something stupid, saying something stupid, or just acting weird, tell me straight. Then tell me how you would prefer it to be. I will respond with what I feel, and we will have a pleasant, pleasant conversation. If you choose to get around the side before tackling the problem, I’ll probably tackle the defense before you even get to it, which will lead to a looping conversation where nothing works.
How to Brainstorm Your Own Guide
The crux of this whole idea depends on some self-awareness and requires you to accept some harsh truths about yourself. With this metaphorical user guide, I can convey information to the people I spend a lot of time with and help myself cope with specific circumstances.
When I’m upset, I’m worried about something other than what’s bothering you, so you’ll prefer to deal with these issues differently.
Think about different situations first to create a sort of table of contents for this user manual. Here are some general concepts to think about to get your brain to work:
- How do you interact with the world? What are you doing “differently” from other people?
- What are some (non-obvious) things that make you feel terrible? What makes you feel cool?
- When you are feeling unwell (mentally or physically), do you prefer people to stay away from you or get close?
- What’s your schedule? Does being a morning or evening person affect anything? Do you have an important ritual for you in the morning or before bed?
- What random things bother you for no good reason?
- What is your communication style? How do you prefer people to approach you on important issues? How do you approach people? Do you prefer people to be honest with you or soften the blow?
- How do you make decisions? How do you deal with operational decision making? Do you prefer to be alone when dealing with matters, or to receive help from others?
Of course, there are billions of possible questions and circumstances, but take the time to think about what is important to you, or what situations have triggered fiction in the past. Once you’ve made your list, choose what’s important to you. This is your table of contents. Next, you just outline what to do in certain circumstances.
My examples are by no means comprehensive, but hopefully they are enough to give you some ideas to get you started. The end result is twofold. First, you are going to leave with a lot of the best experiences, but you, friends, loved ones, colleagues, and anyone else, too. Dealing with someone else’s quirks is often the hardest part of maintaining a lasting relationship, and handing over a cheat sheet for that is a great way to make it easier for everyone involved.
I found this helpful because it not only gives other people in my life a better understanding of me, but it also gives me a better understanding of myself. Why I do certain things in a certain way always (and probably always will) is a little confusing, but at least I’m narrowing down to what works best for me.