How to Prevent Other People’s Emotions From Confusing You
Empathy is an amazing skill , but too much of it can leave you overwhelmed by the negative emotions of others. Here’s how to stop absorbing what others are feeling while still being an understanding person.
It is in our nature to empathize with others. In The Age of Empathy, primatologist Frans de Waal explains that empathy is an instinctive behavior that researchers have observed in social animals, from primates to mice. Most likely, we developed our ability to empathize, says de Waal, through a parental instinct: parents, be they humans or mice, need to be attuned to their offspring so that we can bond with them and understand when they are upset. (This is why baby screams can be so excruciating to us and their giggles so contagious.) Empathy is what makes us sneeze or yawn when someone else does, and unconsciously mimic the body language and facial expressions of others . Our brains are programmed to do this .
However, we don’t just catch other people’s yawns. We catch their mood. It’s great when your friends’ happiness increases yours , but it’s exhausting when your boss’s anxiety, your coworker’s grief, your partner’s stress, or even the moody behavior of a Starbucks barista infects you. Passive stress (or anger, etc.) Can be as subtle but just as dangerous as secondhand smoke. Harvard Business Review says :
As research gets more sophisticated, we see that the negativity we “catch” from others can also affect every single business and educational outcome that we can track, and more recently has been shown to affect us at the cellular level, shortening our lifespan. … Companies such as Ritz Carlton and Oschner Health Systems, aware of the consequences of secondary stress, have begun creating “no ventilation” zones for their employees when they are around clients or patients, according to Before Happiness . A patient, seeing a nurse seething with stress or complaints, can become infected when evaluating the care received — not to mention the fact that a positive attitude is consistently associated with positive health outcomes, as outlined by Tom Rath in Wellbeing .
So what can we do about it other than quit society and live in a hermit’s hut? As someone who considers himself to be a very sensitive person (I have the same thin skin as them), I have found that both clear boundaries and a conscious shift in perspective are necessary to defend against the emotions of others.
Note how the other person is feeling.
My husband sighs a lot. He sighs as crockery fills in the sink, as the DVR interrupts the last few minutes of the show (damn you DVR!), And sometimes, obviously, for no reason. Every time he sighs, it’s like a trigger for me, when I instantly feel empty and frustrated. I asked him once why he sighs so much, and he said he didn’t know, he just did it automatically. So now when he sighs, I just say to myself “he sighs because he is disappointed” or “he sighs because he is tired” or “he sighs because this is a strange habit” and then I sigh too and I feel better.
The act of labeling an emotion removes you from it and gives you time to pause your reaction to it . It helps you deal with your own negative emotions, react to children in their depression, and deal with everyone else. Also, by saying “he” or “she” is experiencing emotion X, you are stating that someone else is experiencing it, not necessarily you. Language becomes a barrier between feeling and your thoughts and makes those feelings less overwhelming.
Limit social media and the negativity that surrounds you
Today we are dealing not only with information overload, we are dealing with emotional overload. We know when our Facebook friends are sad, hungry, angry, and have over 30 other emotions that the social network wants you to share with others. Twitter is also full of emotion, especially when tragic news unfolds and the grief-stricken response of every friend or stranger exacerbates your own grief. A study by the Pew Research Center found that people who learned on social media about their acquaintance’s pay cut or demotion experienced 9-12% more stress (more for men). Women who saw a loved one mourning the death of a family member reported higher stress levels than other women. We are connected with more people than ever, and whether we know it or not, they affect our lives and feelings on a daily basis.
So be more selective with your social media and media coverage. Remove Facebook friends who only post horrible passive-aggressive quotes about their ex. Limit your news to The Onion. Don’t read comments online (unless you use Lifehacker. We usually have good comments).
Likewise, if you regularly meet negative people or chronic complainants , you will either have to learn to reject their negativity (nod and let it come out of the other ear), or reduce or eliminate the time you spend with them. It is difficult when you work in a toxic environment , your family constantly annoys you , or you have to break up with a friend, but you are no good for anyone (especially yourself) if your emotions are constantly sabotaged by someone else. I didn’t realize it at the time, but when I moved away from my anxious friend and, as a result, lost touch with him, my life became much calmer.
Build a wall of positive around you
You may not be able to block other people’s negative emotions, but you can support your positive ones. I know it sounds silly to practice gratitude and positivity, but if you make it a routine , you will increase your happiness . I try to “count my blessings” every day — especially every time I grieve over someone else’s pain (parents lose a small child, another massive shooting). It really helps. It makes me remember and feel the good things that exist in the world, even when waves of negativity hit us.
HBR calls this a way to “get yourself vaccinated” against secondary stress and offers another tip for strengthening your immune system while promoting your own well-being and self-esteem:
Build Natural Immunity : One of the biggest barriers to stress in others is stable and strong self-esteem. The higher your self-esteem, the more likely you will feel like you can handle whatever situation you face. If you find yourself being influenced by the mood of others, stop and remind yourself how things are going well and that you can handle whatever comes your way. Exercise is one of the best ways to boost your self-esteem because your brain records victory every time you exercise with the help of endorphins.
Get yourself vaccinated : Get yourself vaccinated before going to work or in a stressful environment. For example, before starting the morning, the first thing we do is think about three things we are grateful for that day. In this TED talk, you will discover five positive mental habits that help protect your brain from the negative thinking of others: 1) Writing a two-minute email praising someone you know. 2) write down three things for which you are grateful; 3) write down positive experiences for two minutes; 4) doing cardio exercises for 30 minutes; or 5) meditation for just two minutes.
Plus, spend more time with truly positive and joyful people. Not that everyone and everything should be (hurray) “everything is great!” all the time, but being around uplifting people will recharge your anti-negativity batteries. When I have an awful, awful, bad, very bad day – usually compounded by talking to people – my child is overwhelmed with laughter as I watch the pointless and annoying passages of Minecraft mods on YouTube, I am centered again.
Turn Your Empathy Into Compassion
Finally, try to turn empathy into compassion. They may seem the same, but there are important differences between them. Neuroscientist Dr. Tanya Singer and her colleagues have found that different parts of the brain are activated when we share someone’s pain (empathy) or when we want to warmly respond to their suffering (compassion):
[I] It is very important to distinguish between empathy, which in itself is not necessarily good, and compassion. When I sympathize with the suffering of others, I feel the pain of others; I myself suffer. It can become so intense that it causes me empathic distress, and can ultimately lead to burnout and withdrawal symptoms. On the contrary, if we feel compassion for someone else’s suffering, we do not necessarily feel their pain, but we feel anxiety – a feeling of love and warmth – and can develop strong motivation to help the other.
I think of people like Mother Teresa and others who work with those in need, healthcare providers and those involved in disaster relief activities – these people need to show compassion to stay emotionally strong and not bend over in the face. so much suffering. Remember that people who are in pain do not want you to feel their pain, they just want you to be near them. You don’t need to feel what someone else is feeling in order to take care of them or help them, you just need to understand it.
Wired reports that Singer uses techniques such as meditation , based on the Buddhist concept of loving-kindness , to train study participants’ brains to shift from empathy to compassion. This is the art of “detached attachment”: being attuned to the suffering of others and worrying about it without taking it upon yourself.
You do not need to meditate so that other people’s emotions do not reflect on you. You just need to be aware of your own energy and how others can subtly influence you, and then apply some strategies to prevent or reduce it. Empathy, again, is a wonderful skill that the world could use more in general, but it is also something to keep in check for your own sanity and the sanity of others.