Passing Off Store-Bought Food As Yours

From now until January 2nd, you will be invited to a variety of house parties, cocktails and dinners. If you love to cook, cook and bring something, it won’t be a problem, but if you have baking skills like young Cher Horowitz , you might have to lie. By “lying” I mean “buy some food you didn’t make and pretend you did.” It is not fair, not righteous, or even very simple, but it can be done.

This post is part of our Evil Week series on Lifehacker where we take a look at the dark side of goal achievement. Sometimes evil is justified, and sometimes knowing evil means knowing how to defeat it. I want more? Visit our wicked week tags page .

Choose Your Deception Wisely

You need to be sincere with yourself. If you’ve been talking loudly about “baking sucks,” don’t come to a company party with a croquembush . Likewise, if you’re hosting a dinner party, don’t buy eight different Thai curries and try to pass them off as your own (unless you’re Thai, in which case that’s the perfect plan).

Pick something that is believably in your wheelhouse. If you are bringing a side dish, choose something that does not have a definite “shape”. Think about things that are meant to be served from bowls, like potato salad or mac and cheese from the deli. If you’re bringing pastries, grab something from your local bakery or farmers’ market rather than the grocery store. Bulk cakes, cookies, and tarts appear to be mass-produced; Small business products will have a more cozy wabi-sabi look.

Fooling your friends and family with one item isn’t that difficult, but making a whole lie takes a little more effort. Keep the menu small to host the whole party. Take one main course, one side, one salad, and one dessert. Some ideas for each category:

Net:

• Frozen Lasagne: Try to buy something other than Stouffer’s or any other brand that is recognized by many.
• Amy’s Mushroom Risotto: Buy several separately.
• Pasta from anywhere to take away, maybe from a nearby town.
• Hearty soups and stews: just toss them in the pot!
• Costco Ribs: Wrap in foil and preheat in the oven.
• Trader Joe’s frozen first courses, such as rice dishes, couscous, quinoa, and pasta, or chilled options such as braised pork, soups, or cooked chicken with some sort of sauce.

Parties:

• Macaroni and cheese from any deli
• Spiced eggs, but only if you scrape off the filling, stir a little and put back in a dirtier setting.
• Delicacy salads such as potatoes or broccoli.
• Partially Baked Bread: These semi-baked buns, loaves and baguettes can be purchased at Trader Joe’s bakeries and most grocery stores. All you have to do is put them in the oven for fifteen minutes and – BAM – freshly baked bread.
• Delicate pre-fried vegetables: Potatoes are a great option.

Desserts:

• Simple Bundt Cakes: Choose glazed over ganache.
• Ready-made cookie dough: make sure it is as you scoop it; stay away from the slices and bake.
• Plain muffins: Don’t choose anything with toppings and stick to basic flavors.

Stay away from:

• Recognizable or “signed” items. If you are going to buy dessert at Trader Joe’s, do not buy the cookie and butter cheesecake.
• Frozen pizza. Anyone can spot frozen pizza and no one will believe it is homemade. In fact, I would not pass it off as homemade pizza. There is always a guy who loves pizza a lot and he will want to talk if you say you made this pizza. This guy always knows his shit too. He’s kind of crazy.
• Craft pasta with cheese. Dayglo Orange Sauce is a dead sale.
• Frozen Mac and Cheese: Actually, let’s just avoid mac and cheese that aren’t from the grocery store. They are all too easy to spot.
• Pies: The crusts are almost always too perfect and the fillings and decorations are too flavorful.
• Fancy Cakes: Bundt or a loaf is fine, especially if you can spoil the frosting a bit, but you won’t fool anyone with the perfect fondant and chocolate swans. (I would even stay away from most flaky cakes, as the layers are likely to be too perfect and evenly spaced.)

Pass it on

This is the most important step in your evil plan and your potential downfall. There are three main ways to avoid detection at this stage.

Cook it up and hold it back

You obviously don’t intend to serve these foods in the plastic containers they were in, but it’s equally important to transfer the frozen snacks to the platter before heating them (they will sit more naturally in the platter). Remove the frozen lasagne from the baking sheets and transfer to a glass baking dish. Cover with foil and bake slightly longer than recommended on the package, as a thicker baking dish may slow the process down.

For one-off frozen rice dishes (such as Amy’s risotto), place them in a large metal bowl and heat in a saucepan of boiling water to make one large serving. Add one to two tablespoons of butter there for an extra “home” flavor; people associate oil with home cooking.

For salads, simply transfer them to a bowl and stir. For stir-fried vegetables, heat on a baking sheet at 400 ℉ for ten minutes (add a few sprigs of rosemary for a convincing “I was cooking” flavor) or until hot. Serve in a beautiful platter.

Put things on top

Here are your friends – herbs, cheese and citrus zest. Sprinkle the pasta with grated Parmesan and chopped basil, sprinkle the vegetables with olive oil and lemon zest, and add fresh garlic to any creamy rice or potato dishes. Put extra cheese on top of everything with cheese. If there was no icing for dessert, simply spread some whipped cream and sprinkle with something covered in raspberries or chocolate.

Spoil a little

Perfection is your enemy, especially with baked goods. If you buy a cake from a bakery, tear off small pieces from the bottom and sides to make it look like it is stuck in a skillet, and brush randomly with icing (do this with muffins too). If your bread looks too professional, tear it to pieces and throw it in the basket, don’t be afraid to scald the edges of the lasagna.

Mislead friends and destroy evidence

This is not so important if you are bringing a single deceiving cake to a friend’s house, but if you are throwing a party, you need to treat it all like a complex game, complete with props and effects. Just before anyone comes, fry some garlic in a skillet (assuming you serve something with garlic in it) for flavor. Greet your guests with a drink to calm them down and make them a little less alert, then run back to the kitchen, which shouldn’t be too clean.

To create a compelling scene, throw a couple of utensils into the sink. Put on a couple of things that are “still cooking” in the oven (this will also create a convincing flavor). Just remember to get rid of any boxes or packaging that might give you away. And I mean get rid of them completely. Take them out to the trash can (or preferably to your neighbor’s basket). Or burn them.

For credibility, have at least one item that you recognize as being purchased from a store. Apologize profusely for this. Lying about 75-80% of food is so strange that no one would even think of blaming you for it. Also, if you choose lasagna, don’t say you made noodles. You bought the noodles because you haven’t mastered pasta yet, but the sauce is an old family secret that your Nonna scrawled on a napkin and hid in her skirt while traveling to Ellis Island. (Don’t use this exact story, however, as there are many holes historically.)

Finally, prepare your story. If you do bring cake, know a thing or two about how it will be baked, hypothetically. If you decide to bring herb potatoes from the deli, ask the vendor what herbs are on it. Do a little research so you don’t get caught. A simple mistake like “This risotto didn’t take me any time!” can cause your whole charade to fall to the ground. However, if you panic and can’t think of what to say, just declare it a “secret family recipe,” and hope it silences them.

Then, when the party is over and everyone has gone home, pour yourself a glass of something and chuckle to yourself. You deceived them. You deceived them all and it was worth it.

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