Four Tricky Ways to Make Your Enemies Become Allies
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You may not like them, but that doesn’t mean they cannot be of use to you – or at least be held back in fear. Here are four clever psychological tricks to turn them into allies.
This post is part of our Evil Week series on Lifehacker where we take a look at the dark side of goal achievement. Sometimes evil is justified, and sometimes knowing evil means knowing how to defeat it. I want more? Visit our wicked week tags page .
How to recognize enemies
You can find enemies anywhere in life. It could be a friend who doesn’t respect you on a regular basis, a classmate who gossips about you behind your back, or even a mother-in-law who doesn’t seem to like you very much. And let’s not forget the office: your boss and coworkers are some of the most common enemies you can face. They may refuse projects for no reason, take credit for your ideas, or otherwise hinder your career. Anyone who has cheated, intimidated , betrayed, defamed, used or consistently disrespected or criticized you can be considered an enemy.
However, identifying enemies is not always an open and closed case. As explained by Paul Dobransky, M.D. at Psychology Today , sometimes you need to look beyond their front and look at their actions towards you:
… that our enemies dislike us as we dislike them. They, of course, don’t like us either, but they may not express absolute hatred, which can carry impulsiveness, loss of control and, ultimately, a tendency to invade boundaries, emotional or even physical. In other words, enemies can still have maturity, boundaries, and even carry our respect in the presence of dislike.
Real enemies are usually not cartoon villains who cluck as they reveal their master plan. Instead, they can hide in plain sight. You both may know you don’t love each other, but chances are, no one else knows about your stress. The enemy may not even express their thoughts to you directly, so you may hear about their dislike through gossip, emails, text messages, and in other ways.
Bottom line: the enemy is the one who, through his words and actions, ensures a regular flow of negativity in your life. There is no reason you should put up with it, so it’s time to get creative and turn them into allies. This does not mean that they should be your friends: when it comes to your relationship, the friend does not look at what it means to them, but the ally usually looks at them. The ally must see that the benefits of supporting you outweigh the benefits of going against you. You may or may not be able to fully develop friendships with your opponents, but that’s okay. And by and large in life, the more allies you have, the better.
Stop playing with the enemy and side with them
To be on the good side of the enemy, you must stop playing the role of his enemy. As Dobronsky explains , the enemy may not love you simply because he does not know you. And if you keep playing the enemy, they never will. For example, someone might share a mutual friend with you and see you as a threat to their relationship. They will come up with excuses for why your mutual friend shouldn’t be with you, or they’ll find ways to say bad things about you when you’re not around. You may want to return fire and poison your friend’s mind against them, but first, think that it takes two sides to start a war. While you may not be the main instigator of hostilities, you should immediately stop all retaliation.
Make no mistake, this won’t magically make them love you, but this is an important first step in your master plan. If you continue to be hostile, they will continue to resist, no matter what tricks you have up your sleeve. So grit your teeth, bite your lip, and start acting heartily. The next time you are around them, instead of passive aggression or confrontation, convince them that you are a likable person. Here are some tips to help you gradually get over to their side:
- Use their name often : According to Dale Carnegie, author of How to Make Friends and Influence People, a person’s name is the sweetest sound they’ve ever heard. State their name and, if possible, their title when you speak or write to them. They will eat it.
- Follow the Platinum Rule : The Golden Rule assumes that you treat someone the way you would like to be treated, but your enemy is not you. Instead, follow the platinum rule and treat them the way they want to be treated. You are not sucking up, you are simply appealing to their feelings.
- Make them feel like experts : People want to feel smart and capable, so make your enemy feel that way and you will be a source of confidence in their lives. Ask them for help with what you already know how to do; ask their opinions on certain topics, even if you don’t want to hear them; and indicate how knowledgeable they are on topics of interest.
- Practice mirroring : You don’t want to be a copycat, but people usually like ones that match their own energy level and mannerisms. If they are agitated about something, then you are agitated. If they like talking with their hands, get them to move their hands.
- Find (or create) common interests : People like others who have something in common with them. Do your homework and find something that brings both of you together. Hobbies, sports teams, food, travel, books, and even politics are all great places to meet. If nothing seems to be working out and you feel mean, find something that they like and cling to them. Just make sure you pick something that you can really talk about and doesn’t require a lot of knowledge.
- Avoid arguments and let them be right : they can make your blood boil, but avoid arguments at all costs. If you feel someone is approaching, try to step back. If you can’t, let them first discuss their point of view and say, “I wonder, I’ve never thought of it that way before.” This simple phrase does three things: it makes them feel like their point of view is interesting (even if it isn’t), it makes them feel like they might have convinced you in some way (oooh power), and ends the discussion. because they made up.
- Repeat what they say : When they say something that seems important, repeat it to them. For example, if they say, “Better to have meetings on Wednesday,” you say, “I see, so it’s actually better to have meetings in the middle of the week.” A recent studypublished in the American Journal of Psychotherapy suggests that repeating things makes others feel heard and shows that you value their opinions.
If you still want to consider them enemies, that’s okay; having rivals can be helpful . The key is to show them that you are no longer interested in war, so that at least you can all be close to each other at the same time.
Do them a favor, ask them for a favor
Souvenirs are perfect for convincing someone whichever way they go. When you do the enemy a favor without asking you , you force him to reciprocate later . People don’t like feeling like they owe someone something, so they’ll start looking for ways to help you later. This sounds awful like starting an alliance, right? For example, you can get bonus favor points by jumping to the rescue when your working opponent is in a crisis situation. The more stressful their situation is, the more they will be grateful for your helping hand.
You can also do them a favor by discreetly giving them a gift. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or an obvious offer of peace, just something to show you that you are on their side. Bring donuts for the entire office (be sure to bring their favorites) or tick the “delivery error” to give them a gift without inconvenience. As Dwight Schrute of The Office once said, “Can’t a guy just buy bagels for his friends to do him a favor that he can use to fire someone who stole his co-manager position? God. When did everyone get so cynical? “
Once you set them up, you can profit from your newfound ally. The best part is that they’ll like you better for asking them about the ” Benjamin Franklin Effect ” – they’ll actually convince themselves that they’ve done you a favor because they like you. Just make sure that what you ask them for is so simple that they can’t refuse the offer. When they’re finally in your corner, you can get them to help you on your next big project or prevent them from rejecting your ideas at the next big meeting.
Find (or create) a common enemy
Remember the old saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend?” Consider this from your opponent’s point of view. Let’s say you have a mother-in-law whom, for example, you cannot win over. If you find something that you both don’t like, you can unite against this common enemy as allies. This can be done using a technique called redirection, according to Harvard Business Review’s Brian Uzzi and Shannon Dunlap . Uzzie and Chenon explain with an example:
Clendenin decided to meet Gunning one-on-one, but not at his office, because that would only remind Gunning of his lost promotion. Instead, he found out where Gunning liked to eat and took him there for lunch. “I let him know that I understood his value,” Clendenin says of this contextual redirection. He followed this simple redirect statement by telling Gunning that a third entity, not under the control of both men, was the root cause of their situation. “I didn’t put you in that position,” Clendenin said. “Xerox has put both of us in this position.”
Using this method, you suddenly become their companion in the fight against anyone or anything. It’s best if you can come up with a real third party that will be your enemy, but if you don’t have one, back them up on another of their enemies. This is what Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan and Al Switzler, authors of Essential Conversations: Tools for High Stakes Conversation , call “inventing a common goal.” If your mother-in-law hates a certain sports team, find a way to hate that too. If they are constantly complaining about their cable TV service provider, join them in voicing their complaints. Once you identify common points of contact, your new ally will focus their negative energy on another. And it can make visiting family a lot more manageable.
Show your allies
Several covert operations can start to affect your enemies even if you don’t say a word to them. As Larry Stibel, MD, and Marianne Peabody, MBA from Psychology Today explain , it is sometimes better to approach your enemies indirectly:
If you have to deal with enemies, look at the allies that surround your enemies. Focus on them.
Use every opportunity to show the enemy that others really like you. For example, if you are dealing with an unpleasant classmate or colleague, do nice things for other classmates and colleagues in front of your enemy and compliment them within earshot. Alternatively, you can start gossiping about your enemy with others, but in a positive way. Live Your Legend’s Scott explains :
Often more powerful (and sometimes more appropriate) than telling the person directly is to share your gratitude for them with their friends and colleagues … Praise from third parties is powerful, if true. It will eventually return to the recipient. Plus, genuinely praising loved ones is more likely to make their friends love you more. And if all your friends like someone, what are the chances that you end up feeling the same way?
This psychological phenomenon is called ” social influence ” when people cause changes in each other as a result of how they perceive themselves in society. Here’s a good everyday example of social influence from Changing Minds :
I notice that people use salt and pass it on to the person on the left without comment. I submit by doing the same.
The more you already have allies similar to you, the higher the chances that your enemy will obey and obey. The next time you need notes from a lecture you missed, or the next time you need a colleague to cover you, your enemy might simply change his tune. They will start thinking, “If you cannot defeat them, join them,” and your group of allies will grow.