The Best Ways to Break the Ice and Meet Someone on a First Date
Most first dates are less about trying to ignite sparks than about making yourself feel like someone. Whether it’s your first date or you’re feeling stuck in the early stages of a new relationship, here are the best tips and tricks to get past small talk so you both can get out of your shell.
If you don’t already know the person from somewhere else, the first date is usually a simple “make sure you’re not a serial killer” meeting. Or, as Harris O’Malley (aka Dr. Nerdlove) calls it, author of When It Clicks: A Guide to Mastering Online Dating : Goodbye. You just want to see if the other person is really who they say they are and test the water to see if there might be something between the two of you . However, this is difficult to find out if no one wants to reach out and tell a little about themselves. To truly build up the romance, you need to remove the mask and cut through the surface layer.
Keep it short and sweet
Ice breaking is much easier if you know you don’t have to stretch for a full day or evening. If this is your first time meeting them in person, it might be a good idea to keep the first date short and enjoyable. Dating blog Match.com suggests that setting a date time limit in advance can help you (and your date) relax and open up knowing that there isn’t much time for the evening. Setting a free time limit opens up the possibility for several more things:
- This gives you the opportunity to end the date on a high note at any time.
- This gives you the opportunity to escape if things aren’t going as well as you hoped.
- It can make you both want more.
A quick date also helps break the ice right at the gate. Plus, the last thing you want on a first date is to make your evening run out of steam, so it’s good to have a way out. Also, keep in mind that it says here that the date was fast, but not that it should be fast. If you’re both having a great time and want to keep going – great! Spontaneity can be exciting.
Meet somewhere convenient for both of you
It’s hard to break the ice when you and your date aren’t comfortable. The place where you meet, what you do there, the way you dress, and the way you act can all affect how much you both open up and share. As Susan Allin of Thought Catalog suggests, you better meet in a safe, public and affordable place:
Try choosing a quiet bar or café in the distance. Some place without loud music, so you can hear each other, thus speeding up getting to know each other for part of the evening.
If you are walking down the path of coffee shops, Nerdlove recommends choosing a local establishment over a chain, they are usually created for a more casual atmosphere. It is also better to meet them there than to ride together. Nobody wants to tell someone they just met where they live, or expect them to come home.
If the thought of just sitting and talking makes you anxious, you might instead consider going somewhere active. Whether playing miniature golf, visiting a museum or exploring the zoo all have built-in icebreakers to facilitate light-hearted banter. As Nerdlove points out, activities or games can also trigger what is known as ” reward-attracting theory “; This means that the more you enjoy someone else’s company, the more you will prioritize that particular relationship.
Just be sure to choose locations that have activities that will allow you to talk and get to know each other. Going to a show or going to the movies can be a great place to date later, but it doesn’t offer much of an opportunity to learn about the other person. When in doubt, Greatist’s Tara Fuller recommends taking the best of both worlds and taking a coffee walk:
Sitting in a coffee shop can be a little boring, but coffee and walking around the neighborhood can do that much better.
Take a walk in the nearby park, shop on the same street, or if you are fit, just explore the area. Walking can make conversation easier, especially when you are walking around things or places worth talking about.
If you really want to try making your first date romantic, this is your choice, but be sure to check with your date first. You don’t want to make them uncomfortable by being overly dressed or exaggerating the romance when they just want to chat over a cup of coffee. There is nothing wrong with looking decent, but don’t overdo it. Finally, you can offer to pay if you want, but don’t be pushy. Most people are well aware that they “become Dutch ” and pay for themselves on the first date. If you stubbornly refuse to let your girlfriend pay for food or drinks, she may feel obligated and uncomfortable.
Ask them for a very small favor
Sometimes, in order to refuse small talk, it is enough to show someone that you are on the same team. To get to know someone better, they must be willing to invest a little. When you show that you trust them , they will begin to trust you more and make it possible. Jeremy Nicholson MSW, Ph.D. from Psychology Today, suggests that you can make them feel like you’re both involved in this together by asking for a tiny favor:
Ask them to do something for you. Make a request. It could even be something small, like “can you grab a straw for me”? Or “can you take a look at my things for a minute while I drink coffee”? To be honest, any small request will help.
This is known as the Benjamin Franklin Effect and is an incredibly easy way to break the ice. They will now feel more comfortable with you and more willing to open up. Another way to approach this is with what Oprah’s Amy Shern calls “minimization.” Playfully enlist their help on an assignment so you can act out the feeling that you have a common goal. Tell them you’re having a hard time deciding which drink to buy, or ask them to help you eat pastries.
Be the first to tell something about yourself
It can be scary, but the first step breaks the ice and can make the other person more willing to share. After you have completed all of the opening song and dance and the light conversation is over, immerse yourself in it. Share a funny story or talk about your passion. If you don’t know what to say, Rory Ray, author of Have the Relationship You Want , suggests putting the ball on their court:
A good way to be open about yourself and find out what he is thinking is to ask him, “Is there anything you would like to know about me?” This will allow you to better understand his personality. You allow him to lead the conversation so that he feels that you are open to him and you also learn what is important to him. He will likely turn him over and ask you to do the same, and that will make you chat. The fact that you are open to disclosing information about yourself will also give him the impression that you are spontaneous and comfortable in your own skin, which is very attractive.
Not only are you sharing something first, but you also make them feel comfortable by giving them control. However, while you are sharing with each other, it is best to leave the skeletons in the closet for now. Everyone has luggage, but the first date isn’t necessarily the best time to unload everything.
Ask the right questions
Questions are the key to breaking the ice and getting to know someone, especially when you discover that “one thing” that suddenly makes the other person go from “they seem interesting” to “wow, I really like them.” That being said, some questions are better than others when it comes to superficial things. The best questions are fun, interesting, and avoid anything too personal. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with diving into more risky and difficult topics .
For example, it is inappropriate (and inappropriate) to ask personal questions like, “How much money do you make?” or “Why aren’t you married?” These questions are not only personal, but judgmental in nature. However, when both of you relax a little, it might be interesting to talk about things like religion, politics, and other hot topics. It can help you understand their values early on, so you know if you should continue to spend your time on them or not. Even if it doesn’t work out, it will at least make the date more interesting and memorable. Just make sure you are non-judgmental about it and remember that their opinion is their own opinion. This should not be a debate, it should be a discussion.
If you met them through a dating site, you may already know some of the details about them. In the end, this may be why you agreed to meet with them. Carmelia Rae, founder of love advice site Your Tango, invites you to use this information to your advantage:
If you have a lot of information about this person, be sure to mention what intrigued you when meeting this person, and compliments will certainly help break the ice!
Ask for more information on what you already know. If in doubt, praise them and ask a question. Although in simple questions like “how was your day?” There is nothing bad. these questions will not make you feel who they are.
Having a few of these questions up your sleeve can help you avoid awkward silence and continue the conversation. Remember, good conversation is a two-way street. As Dr. Nerdlow recommends, you shouldn’t treat your first date as an audition :
Yes, you want to get to know each other, but more than that, you want to have fun. You want to complement a good experience with an unforgettable time, perhaps even socializing during the day or evening. A coffee date can feel like a job interview, and less socially developed people will feel the tension and uneasiness that builds up until they are thick enough to be cut with a sharp cliché. When you meet, you are looking for an accomplice in a crime, not another quality assurance professional to file their TPS reports by Friday.
When they are talking, focus on them and their answers , not the next question you want to ask. Get curious and look for stories behind details that are already known. Their answers should be the key to a good conversation, so don’t be afraid to dig deeper.
Plus, you want them to get to know the real you too! Be happy to answer the questions they ask you, and resist the urge to answer questions by immediately asking, “What about you?” Treat their questions like short essay questions, not multiple choice questions. When asked how many brothers and sisters you have, don’t just list them. Share a funny story about your siblings and your relationship with them. The more you share this, the more likely they are to reciprocate.