Seven Disruptive Habits That Kill Strong Communication
Your partner drops the ball and forgets to pay the rent on time. You have received a late payment penalty. What to do in practice? Come up with a solution so that it doesn’t happen again. But you get angry, so instead you criticize your partner and a fight starts. Criticism is one of seven common habits that can ruin healthy communication.
We all know how important communication is to almost any relationship. Unfortunately, this is not always easy. Psychiatrist William Glasser proposed the concept of the “seven deadly habits” of communication. In general, the idea is that most of us have several habits that we are used to, and these habits are damaging to our relationships. If we can rethink them and choose the best habits (what he called the “seven caring habits”), we can improve our communication and therefore our relationships.
It is important to note that these poor communication habits are present in many abusive relationships, and this is a very different scenario. In an abusive relationship, safety is the priority, not communication, so these solutions do not apply.
Assuming the relationship is otherwise healthy, here are seven second nature habits that get in the way of strong communication.
Pointless criticism
People criticize for a variety of reasons. Maybe you want to help your employee better manage the project. Maybe your friend continues to make bad choices in the relationship and you feel the need to let her know.
These examples are more or less positive, constructive, and that’s okay. In such cases, it is less about criticism than about constructive feedback . However, in the context of poor communication, criticism is when you knock someone down for the wrong reason. Zen Habits offers several such examples :
- To offend someone . Often we just don’t like someone, and we want to attack them, attack them. Criticism in this case is destructive.
- To express your disappointment . Sometimes we are just frustrated with something or have a bad day and need to vent that negative anger.
- To raise our ego. Some people like to show how powerful, intelligent, or knowledgeable they are, and use criticism as a way to do so …
It is easy enough for someone to become defensive when given constructive criticism. But when your criticism comes from a destructive source, the other side has no reason to keep listening: it’s a communication killer.
For example, if you are a parent and your child continues to make poor grades, it is easy to get upset and immediately confuse him for being a bum. If you want to improve communication, Glasser will probably advise focusing less on criticism and more on providing feedback to support and encourage improvement. In fact, support and encouragement are two “caring” habits that Glasser listed for better communication.
Accusation
When you blame someone, you disclaim responsibility and shift it onto them. And hey, it’s entirely possible that your husband or wife is to blame for delaying your mortgage because they didn’t pay it back. But when it comes to open dialogue, pointing the finger is not helpful.
It is clear that you want to express your dissatisfaction with something. And sometimes you have to express it to find a solution, but that is not entirely to blame. For example, suppose you are working on a project and one of your team members forgets to complete a task on time, knocking everyone off the schedule. You want to make sure the employee knows they are to blame for the incident, so you can say something like:
“Attention: it is critical for us to meet deadlines so that the entire project is completed on time. Is this timing right for you? “
It doesn’t focus on blame. This is solution oriented.
The accusation could be something like this: “You missed this deadline, and now we all missed our deadline.”
The first example is solution oriented and gives the employer the opportunity to do better next time. The second is just a dead end. What will anyone say to this, other than an apology? Communication kills.
Ineffective complaints
I hate to admit it, but I complain a lot. And this can affect the listener. One day when I got home from a trip, my significant other invited me to dinner, and I complained about almost everything that happened during my travels, from the seat on the plane to the rude drivers on the way home. Finally, he said, “Okay, I can’t take it anymore. Ever since you returned home, you have been breathing non-stop. (Hole is my keyword for referring to complaints).
He disconnected from the conversation because there really was no conversation. I just hated everything. “But I’m not complaining about you,” I objected. “I know,” he said, “but still. It’s exhausting. “
Complaining is tiring because it puts pressure on the other person. Counselor Laura Schenk puts it this way :
Complaining often leads the other person to feel like they need to “fix” the problem in some way or simply get away from the complaint. Whatever the result, it increases the distance between us and those we love.
Even if you feel good about getting rid of something, it can be counterproductive . In Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Giuliano says that people complain for several reasons:
- Ventilation : Complaining to release strong emotions.
- The active effective complaint: complainant submits a particular complaint, addressed to the person in charge, in order to improve the situation.
- Ineffective Complaint : Complaining to feel some sense of control over something that the complainant cannot control.
While friends or loved ones may be willing to let you speak up , they are likely to lose interest when the speech turns into ineffective complaints, and this is usually the case. At some point, the listener disconnects from you. Giuliano suggests asking yourself these three questions to keep your complaints from spiraling out of control:
- Is my complaint specific and contained or general and vague? Vague general complaints usually refer to problems that have no solution, such as the weather.
- Are your complaints the same over and over? Your complaint may be a way of showing empathy, or an indirect way of asking for help.
- Are you afraid that if you don’t focus on the negative in the situation, you will not be prepared for serious disappointment? This strategy does not allow the person to fully experience the positive aspects of the situation.
As she notes, everyone complains, and sometimes it serves a purpose. But when it comes to communication, nothing can interrupt a conversation like pointless complaints that get nowhere.
Grunt
Grunting is a constant urge for someone to do what you want them to do. By definition, this is a violation of communication. Think about it: if you find fault with someone, you cannot reach them for one reason or another. This is unproductive. Psychologist Molly Hawes writes :
The nagging pattern is a demonstration of the surprisingly consistent yet silly belief that we all have that if what we do doesn’t work, the solution is to do more. This pattern is self-reproducing, each person constantly reacts to the behavior of the other in almost the same way.
Nobody likes to be nagged, and no one likes to be nagging, but this is a fairly common problem in relationships. So how do you stop whining and start communicating more effectively? The answers are simple, but tricky: it all comes down to breaking the nag-resistance pattern and instead learning to compromise and empathize. We discussed how to break this pattern with our children . For instance:
- Focus on reward, not judgment
- Focus on Effort, Not Outcome
- Express your feelings, don’t criticize
One piece of advice Howes offers to break the mold is to set a deadline. If you need someone to do something, make a compromise on when they will, with the caveat that you will not bring it up again. This breaks the saw> resist> saw cycle. The enemy agreed to do something, and you agreed to stop talking about it. Whether they will actually do it is another question (again, simple but tricky), but that at least stops the pattern.
Threatening
It is clear that a threat can interrupt communication: it leaves no room for discussion at all. This is a one-way street. According to Schenck, when we threaten someone, we become a source of fear and control. This is not really good for good communication.
This is why ultimatums suck. Of course, there are times when you may need to deliver an ultimatum to overcome a relationship hurdle. But often people use the ultimatum as a threat to manipulate others .
We pointed out earlier why threats don’t work even when raising children. First, you teach your kids to use ultimatums or brute force to get what they want. Second, they can factor in your bluff. And, perhaps most importantly, you break the bond with your child.
Glasser pointed to trust and respect as a more nurturing response. When you trust someone, you don’t feel the need to control them. You also allow yourself to open up, which is much conducive to effective communication.This hilarious post by Scary Mommy explains why common threats don’t work and how you can fix them to make them more effective. It’s humorous, but it says well that explaining reality to your kids is the best solution. For instance:
THREAT : “Brush your teeth or they will turn green and fall out of your mouth.”
Problem : Children really don’t care what happens in the future unless by “future” you mean the next eight seconds.
Editors : “If you don’t brush your teeth, this strange orange film will remain on them. Look at your little brother’s teeth. See it on them? He has it because he is 2 years old, he is crazy and screams if we try to put a toothbrush in his mouth. Also, if you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll have to go to the dentist, and although I said that his office is amazing and very fun and the place where you get stickers actually sucks and you want to avoid it at all costs. “.
It works with relationships as well. Instead of threatening your partner if they don’t do something, tell them why your request is important. Bottom line: Explaining means that you trust and respect someone enough to tell them why something is important, and this is a better fit for communication.
Punishment
Threats go hand in hand with punishment: it is about controlling a person’s behavior through negative reinforcement. Manipulation and control is not the best way to communicate. Communication is a two-way street and is operated by only one person. Instead, Glasser inspired respect.
On the other hand, when it comes to parenting, sometimes you need to discipline your children. However, effective discipline is not punishment, but training . In fact, the word “discipline” comes from the Latin word “disclinare”, which means “to teach.” Effective discipline is not about punishment, but about directing and managing your child’s behavior. The line between the two is blurred, but most of it is about intent: punishment focuses on bad behavior, while discipline focuses on improvement. For example, if your child gets a bad grade, being spanked does not necessarily teach him anything other than “Give me good grades so I don’t get spanked.” On the other hand, discipline with less play time and more extra activities teaches them that learning is a priority.
Punishment comes from control and retaliation, while discipline comes from trust, consistency, and improvement. In discipline, “punishment” serves a purpose.
Of course parenting takes discipline, but friendships and relationships are a little different. Discipline is not involved here, because there should be equality.
Bribe
Bribery works the same way. It’s better, but still focused on control – just a little more manipulative.
But then what is the difference between bribery and, say, rewarding a child for good behavior? On WebMD , parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley explains:
Bribery is suggested during bad behavior to stop it, or in anticipation of bad behavior, Pantley said. The reward is a round of applause for a job well done that can contribute to good behavior in the future. For example, says Pantley, offering an ice cream cone to a child who is hysterical about leaving the park is a bad idea. But getting ice cream on the way home to celebrate good behavior in the park is a good way to reward good behavior in the future. ”
Like many of these habits, it’s all about intent. With a reward, you communicate to your child what behavior is desirable. But with bribery, you really don’t care if your message gets through, you just want them to stop throwing tantrums. I mean, sometimes you do what you should be doing as a parent, but ideally you want to avoid bribery because it blocks the flow of communication. When your child, friend, or partner does something that you want them to do with a bribe, it’s not because they really understand you, but because they want a reward. You are losing touch.
Glasser said negotiating a compromise is better than bribery. This makes sense: negotiation is about reaching mutual agreement , and this is related to the thoughts, feelings and actions of the other person. In addition, his other “caring habits” also apply here: compromise also involves listening and respect.
In general, these habits are not empathetic. And when you think about it, empathy is really what is needed for good communication. When you can see the other person’s point of view and understand where they are coming from, that is, in a nutshell, effective communication. Learning to recognize these seven deadly habits can help your relationship thrive because you learn to avoid obstacles in communication and see the other person’s point of view a little better.