What to Do If Your Child Is Lying to You
According to some studies, the typical four-year-old will lie about once every two hours. The typical six-year-old lies even more often (hourly)! Colleagues Parents: What do we do about this deception? How can we win the trust of our children and prevent them from turning into psychopaths? This is the dilemma I’m currently learning with.
I think my daughter and I have a very strong bond. She is comfortable enough in our relationship to openly confess to me when she thinks she did something wrong, such as not eating the snacks I prepared for her at age nine, or leaving her library book at home. But sometimes, when I have to tell her about what I think is an obvious lie, she stubbornly sticks to her version of the story, and then we both get upset, getting into a dead end when I don’t know what to do.
For example, the other day she went to bed, and I told her that she could read another chapter from the book, which she began. An hour later, when I go up the stairs to the room, I hear her rapid footsteps, and before reaching the door, she stands there and says: “Oh, hello, Mom, I came to tell you that I cannot sleep. All this time I tried to fall asleep with my eyes closed. The light is still on, a book is open on the nightstand, and she is looking somewhere behind me. I cannot prove that she was not trying to sleep — and research shows that the “shifting eye” effect is not always a sign of lying — but I quite agree with my daughter and know with a 99.9998% probability that she did not tell the truth. “Have you really tried to sleep?” I ask, probably with too much disapproval in my voice, and now she says firmly yes. What understands me is that I’m not even particularly worried about her staying up late because she’s immersed in a book (it could have been worse), although I want to make sure she gets enough sleep. I am now pissed off by a defiant lie over a relatively small case. Why couldn’t she just tell me that she couldn’t stop reading?
I’m angry because I want her to be honest with me and tell her that I don’t like lying, but then she gets upset too, saying that she doesn’t like it. I decided that she was lying, and I do not believe her. Occasional fights like this make me fear that when she is a teenager, she will face more dangerous activities that require sneaking. (Have you seen the movie Children ? If you’re a parent, you don’t want to watch this movie.) So I did a bit of digging into what might be going on here and how best to deal with these situations.
First of all: lying is okay
If you’ve never lied, let us know because you should dive into fiction with George Washington. Everyone else lied (and continue to lie every 10 minutes ) because we see it as a solution to some problems. Children pretend to be sick in order to miss a big test at school, just like adults call themselves sick when they have a terrible workload the next day. We tell each other harmless lies to spare each other’s feelings. Growing children also have developmental reasons for lying. In fact, lying is a good sign for young children.
PsychCentral notes that between the ages of 3 and 7, young children’s imaginations and creativity can blur the line between “lies” and their version of the truth. After all, this is the age of Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and imaginary friends. Sometimes “pretending” (borrowedfrom “They May Be Giants” ) plays such an important role in children’s consciousness that they convince themselves that what they are lying about is real. For them, it’s true that the dog stole some of their food, not that they deliberately dropped the paste on the floor. (Heck, adults do this self-deception too, io9 notes, although I’m not sure we can resort to justifying “overactive imagination and brain development.”)
By the age of four, 90% of children understand what a lie is. Psychologists consider this to be an important milestone in development and even an integral part of healthy brain development. In fact, the kids who do the best at academic performance may start lying at the age of 2 or 3. “Lying is about intelligence,” says Dr. Victoria Talvar, a leading expert on lying behavior in children. Preschoolers with higher IQs are more likely to lie and tell stories, and early lies are also associated with higher social skills later in life: some children who are especially socially mature will say “white lies” that bring benefit to others, such as accepting the blame of a brother or sister.
So on the one hand, I suppose parents can be proud if their children learn to lie at an early age, but on the other hand, we don’t want them to develop this habit.
How children’s lies develop
As they get older, children become more sophisticated in lying. By about age 10, they no longer lie just to avoid rebuke or earn rewards, they also lie to navigate an increasingly complex social world: brag to their peers so they don’t get called a “talker” ( worst thing you can be in high school), and so that others feel better or do not hurt others. We parents actually teach our kids to lie when we get them to say they like shitty courtesy gifts and to lie that way ourselves. In essence, lying becomes a solution to avoid conflict.
Even when children know that lying is bad, they lie because they feel it doesn’t hurt that much or think it doesn’t matter much. In an interview with Empowering Parents, social worker James Lehman explains how thinking children (as well as adults) rationalize lies :
They know that lying is forbidden. But they don’t find it painful. Not in the way that parents find it offensive. So the child will say, “I know it’s wrong, I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt? “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for twinkies. But it doesn’t really hurt anyone. I can handle this. Just think? “This is what the child sees.
When they see no harm in it, two different value systems operate: the family’s value system, according to which it is prohibited, and the child’s value system, which states that if it does not harm anyone, what do you care? The child rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior by saying that it does not harm anyone. The result is a dishonest situation. Lie.
As you get to adolescence, the stakes will certainly get much higher. But the thinking remains the same. The kids smoke weed and drink and say, “Well, it won’t hurt anyone. My friends smoke weed and it won’t hurt them. I know drinking is bad, but my parents drink and it won’t hurt them. I can handle this. I’m older than my parents think. ” They know it is forbidden. They either do not find it offensive, or they justify the pain.
Our job as parents is to help children understand how painful lying can be and is not the best way to solve problems. Just saying, “Look, honesty is the best policy” isn’t enough to get rid of it.
How to deal with lies
Our reactions when we catch children dishonest can either push them to be more cunning or encourage them to be more honest. Here are some guidelines based on research and expert guidance on parenting.
Remain calm and relieve your emotions. I know I could have handled it better earlier. When I caught my daughter lying – sometimes obvious (I know you didn’t brush your teeth in ten seconds in the bathroom!) – I felt insulted and resentful, and I focused on those angry feelings and my fear of growing distrust. between us. Because my daughter is so attached to me (for the moment) and wants to avoid disapproval at all costs, my emotional reaction just taught her not to lie, not lie. It is better to focus not on the fact that “your lies hurt me”, but on the more logical aspect of “why did you say that and what did you hope to achieve?” Scholastic says :
Cool down before you do anything. The calmer you are, the better you will communicate. The first step is to convey the message that the behavior – such as stealing – is wrong. Then explain why your child lied about what he did. Remember that some children will lie to avoid anger even more than to avoid punishment.
Consider the purpose of your child’s lie. [Was] he trying to escape punishment? Perhaps he was frightened by the consequences of what he did and the mistake he made. What can he feel? Anxious, guilty, ashamed, scary? What children tell us always has motive and meaning. It doesn’t hurt to ask yourself what your child is getting by telling a lie.
Give your child an opportunity to doubt – and a way out. Sometimes we can get our children to lie to us, although of course this is not the goal. Instead of saying, “Did you brush your teeth?” In an accusatory tone (obviously she didn’t) just say, “You’ve been there for such a short time, I don’t think you combed your hair long enough. Let’s go back and do it more thoroughly. ” For now, the goal is to avoid tooth decay, not an honesty crusade. Alternatively, you can help your child dig himself out: “You’ve been there for such a short time. Are you sure you have cleaned enough? “Which could lead to an explanation (you may or may not believe it) like,“ Well, I tried to brush my teeth, but I couldn’t get my toothpaste out. ”By acting like an investigator, kids are even more scared and have a harder time telling the truth next time.
If you are not entirely sure that your child did something wrong, just say that you are worried, you have suspicions and you will monitor his behavior, and not accuse him of lying. PsychCentral also advises never to call kids liars, lest they be convinced they can’t be good.
Emphasize the benefits of being honest rather than wrong in lying. As Talwar’s research has shown, telling a child that “being honest is the right thing to do” is more effective at preventing lies than saying “lying is wrong and will get you in trouble.” In her classic “test of resisting temptation,” children had to guess which object was placed behind them in order to receive a reward. When the researchers suddenly left the room, warning the children not to look out, 67.8% of the children looked at the toy and lied about it. However, after they told children that telling the truth is the right thing to do, the percentage of children who lie dropped to 40% unless they were threatened with punishment. ( Punishing children for lying can only make them lie even more: 80% of children lied after being told they would be punished if they looked in, and that telling the truth was the right thing to do.)
Likewise, when children read the story of how George Washington was rewarded for admitting that he cut down a cherry tree, they were less likely to lie than if they were told the story of a boy who cried like a wolf (fable warning that if you lie, then no will believe you later).
If you want to know the truth from your child, you can say, “I will not be upset about you, and I will be very happy if you tell the truth,” but of course, you must follow through if your child confesses … We establish trust here, so even if you’re furious when your child downloaded malware that damaged your computer, you won’t be able to show that anger after using this tactic (just swear in your head while you rebuild your computer).
Give your child some autonomy and be prepared to argue with the rules. Teens and teens will lie if forced to do what their peers do – dating, going to parties and, yes, smoking and drinking – as they start wanting more independence. New York Magazine writes :
By hiding the details of their lives, adolescents carve out social spheres and identities that belong only to them, independent of their parents or other authoritative adults. Asking a parent for help is, from a teen’s point of view, a tacit admission that he is not mature enough to handle it alone. Having to tell parents about it can be psychologically emasculating, regardless of whether he is being forced to confess or voluntarily doing so. It is important that some things are “none of your business”.
However, a more forgiving parent does not necessarily make teens more open, as the lack of rules can signal children that their parents don’t care. It seems like the best approach is to strike a balance between a completely indulgent and strict parent. Research shows that teens were more likely to tell parents what they knew were against the rules if they thought their parents might budge.
Consider setting just a few unbreakable rules and trying to reach consensus on the rest:
“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually the most consistent in enforcing the rules are the very ones who are the most friendly and most talked about with their children,” [Dr. Nancy] Darling is watching. They set several rules for certain key spheres of influence and explained why they exist. They expect the child to obey them. In other areas of life, they supported the child’s autonomy by giving him the freedom to make his own decisions.
The children of these parents lied least of all. Instead of hiding twelve areas from their parents, they can hide only five.
Act like a traffic cop. When it comes to rules, lying is best treated as a “rule-breaking” situation rather than a moral one. The most practical advice I’ve found comes from Empowering Parents , which recommends treating lying the way a police officer handles speeding:
I think parents have to deal with lies like a speeding cop. If you go too fast, he gives you a ticket. He is not interested in your explanations. He’s just going to give you an investigation. Look at it the same way with your child. He did not tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted, or hidden. There must be consequences for this. Go to bed an hour earlier the first time. The second time, you will lose your phone. It must be something that the child feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You are wasting computer or television time. […]
The investigation should be about a lie. If an incident has separate consequences, they should be dealt with separately. If you come home after curfew and tell me the truth, you still lose the ability to go out on Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you will lose both.
Parents should not get into morality. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it hurts, and in our home we speak the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical problem. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.
I’m going to start printing receipts for false violations.
Be a role model. Finally, remember the most important tip for all parents when it comes to any parenting issue: be the change you want to see in your child. Or, as Robert Fulgum said, “Don’t worry that kids never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ” We need to be more honest with and around our children.