Ask These Two Questions to End Constant Fights in a Relationship.
After several years of living together, it is easy to quarrel with your partner about the mundane things. Ignoring each other the smallest details of everyday life can seem involuntary – you know that you are being unreasonable and irritable, but at the moment it is so difficult to stop yourself. Here’s one easy way to stop fighting to the death.
I can’t tell you how many pointless arguments I’ve heard from my clients and friends. Disputes about the correct way to cook a boiled egg, whether you need sunscreen or not, the correct pronunciation of the word “envelope”, whether the shirt will be navy or black, the date of the last call from your mother, etc. much more … It goes without saying that petty arguments like these are frustrating, create hostility between partners, and just tire you. Nothing seems to be settled, and the same themes come up over and over again.
Why are we fighting?
If fights are so harmful, why do couples fight at all? Sometimes this happens because we are afraid to talk openly about what really bothers us , so we use meaningless arguments to get rid of frustration. Sometimes we find fault with the little things because we want that sense of power and control over our partner. Sometimes we quarrel because we don’t have the energy to communicate properly.
However, most couples argue over who is “right.” As I watch couples quarrel in my office, I realize that they are often obsessed with offering the right solution. In the quarrels of most couples, there is an element of perfectionism. Of course, there are some solutions that require careful thought, but there are countless options that don’t really matter. We spend so much energy arguing over solutions that just don’t matter.
One of the possible reasons for this could be the fact that we are faced with an infinite number of decisions on a daily basis. A simple trip to the pharmacy for toothpaste can lead to decision paralysis. Do we need whitening? Or enlightenment? Tatar control? Complete care? All of these options make this pointless decision more important. This perfectionism creeps into our relationships and makes us fight over silly things, such as the right birthday present (candle? Flowers? Bottle of wine?) Or the exact time to leave to get to dinner (7:15? 7 : 30? 7:35?).
Dispute resolution decision tree
The bottom line is that we all have too many options to choose from, and we don’t have to choose every option to death, especially since it creates such tension in our relationship. If you find yourself having an argument with your partner, try this simple trick:
- In your mind, name a solution that makes you want to quarrel. “We’re arguing about how many speeds our new blender should have.” Sometimes it’s enough to simply state the obvious to reassure you.
- Then ask yourself in some version: “Is it really important to me?”, “Do I really care?” or “Does this have any real impact on my life?”
- More often than not, you’ll probably reply, “No, going to a restaurant on Main Street instead of State Street isn’t really going to make any difference in my life.” If so, take a deep breath and be silent. If so, make sure you have a specific reason. “Yes, it’s important that the dog walks now” is not very good, but “Yes, it is important that the dog goes for a walk now, because we are leaving for the rest of the day” is normal. … From there ask yourself, “Is what my partner has to offer a good enough solution?” If so, proceed without expressing your opinion. Don’t negate this whole process with some ulcer like, “Well, my choice would be better, but I think we can do it your way.” If your option isn’t good enough, going through this multi-step process should calm you down a bit to the point where you can articulate your wishes more objectively.
Note that the keywords in the last section are good enough . It doesn’t have to be the solution you would choose, the exact right solution, or the perfect solution. It’s just a good enough option . By lowering the bar of choice, it will be much easier for you to stop fighting. Save your brains for big things .
Of course, the urge to find fault with the little things will sometimes override your analytical ability, but over time this method will become more natural and give you a number of opportunities to ponder your decisions.