No, I Can’t “Just Relax”: How I Learned to Manage My Anxiety Disorder
Last weekend, I went to Dragon Con , Atlanta’s biggest PC geek party, to have some fun with fellow nerds. On Saturday I took a break to freak out, question my worth as a person, and cry to the point of exhaustion. Then back to the party. This is what my life is like with anxiety disorder.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health , anxiety disorders have a spectrum . One of the most common is generalized anxiety disorder , which is closest to what I am dealing with, but you can also suffer from panic disorder, which causes sudden and repetitive panic attacks, or social anxiety disorder, which usually occurs when communicating with other people. …
As we discussed earlier , anxiety disorders are different from general stress. Stress is usually an adequate response to external pressure or threats. This is fine. Anxiety, on the other hand, occurs when your brain becomes afraid or fearful of ordinary things, such as socializing, paying bills, or going to work. Anxiety activates the same parts of your brain as your fight-or-flight response, and you cannot turn it off. This impairs your ability to make even basic decisions and can often cause many problems that bother you. Here are some of the things I learned as I dealt with anxiety.
Anxiety doesn’t always come naturally and can be difficult to detect
As a kid, I didn’t have much party experience. I have never had a prom and no school dances at all. That’s probably why when I was 20, when I went to one of my first real parties, it was a disaster.
This special event was a Halloween party. I love Halloween, so I figured I’d have some fun at the Halloween party, right? But I didn’t know how to communicate with whom. I was invited by a pretty girl I met at the cinema, but I didn’t know anyone. I was too nervous to talk to anyone, and with everyone else I was a weird guy that no one knew (at least that’s how I felt). I ended up sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, curled up in a ball and hiding from everyone. It was not the most proud moment.
When I went home, I realized what had gone wrong. Obviously, I concluded, this was due to my depression . If only I did not feel so numb all the time, I would have something to say, like to all these radiant, happy people. While I was not mistaken, I missed something important: I had something to talk about. I loved Halloween and admired the costumes and music. I was just afraid to talk to someone. My anxiety lurked behind my depression, as the Millennium Falcon gripped the Star Destroyer .
In fact, my depression and my anxiety were two separate but interconnected problems. Dealing with depression made me avoid social situations because I felt it was pointless. Isolation made me miss out on basic social interaction, so when I really tried to communicate, I was on edge. I had no idea how to conduct normal conversations. Since I had very little social experience, I developed a lot of anxiety when meeting new people. I blamed my depression for running out of energy to talk to people without realizing that I also have a separate social anxiety disorder that requires completely different coping strategies and treatments.
Mental health problems are not packaged in neat, self-contained packages like other diseases. When you catch a cold, you know what the symptoms are and how to treat them. While anxiety disorders can sometimes occur on their own, they can also develop as part of a broader health problem. As noted by the American Anxiety and Depression Association (ADAA), anxiety disorders can be associated with a number of physical or mental health problems, including eating disorders, sleep disturbances, ADHD, chronic pain and, yes, even long-term stress. the anxiety was like the mess you get as a regular customer. I just didn’t realize it much later in life.
You cannot just “calm down”, but you can practice.
If you have an anxiety disorder, your least favorite word is probably a variant of the word “take it easy.” You just can’t calm down – that’s the whole point. If I could just get rid of bad feelings by thinking about it, I wouldn’t have anxiety disorder. Sounds familiar?
I had heard this so many times that these words began to annoy me in principle. When I first started out as a professional writer, I faced the worst thing that could happen to a person: someone left me a rude comment on the Internet . It’s okay to take these things personally, but I let them corrode me so I went into the kitchen, walked past my roommate without saying hello, and started crying over the edge of the sink.
He asked if I needed to go somewhere to calm down, and my answer was just as balanced and reasonable as you would expect. I shouted that I could not calm down. I told him that he can’t know how much it hurts to be constantly under such stress (which is obviously nonsense, but I felt it at the time). I regretted how terrible I was as a writer, and now I just have to give up. I screamed that everything was terrible and nothing would get better. Finally, I burst into sobs on the floor. My friend, again to his credit, stayed with me until I could breathe normally again.
The words “calm down” still annoyed me, but this exchange also helped me realize that my friend was not just a dumbass. Even if I was right that I couldn’t just “relax,” my friend didn’t deserve it. He tried to help. More importantly, he correctly understood that at that moment I needed to find a safe place to deal with my anxiety.
Here’s what it took me too long to realize: yes, it’s true that you can’t just force yourself to “calm down.” But that’s still great advice. It just doesn’t work for people with anxiety problems. The average person can “calm down” by taking a deep breath, counting to 10, or thinking for a second about something else. It’s great for them. Your problem is that these things don’t work.
However, the concept is still useful. As explained in the Help Guide on the mental health support site, anxiety disorders cause your body to go into a fight-or-flight state even when it is not needed. This leads to an increased heart rate, rapid breathing and muscle tension. After a while, this may seem like your default state. To this day, I still find it difficult to just sit still for a long time because the anxiety made me feel tense.
Practicing relaxation techniques can help your body learn to do something other than arousal. The Help Guide recommends practicing meditation , deep breathing, and relaxation . Pay attention to the word “practice”. This is what you should be trying to do every day, regardless of the level of your anxiety, and not as an immediate reaction to them at the moment.
It wo n’t solve your problems. Anxiety disorders continue to require treatment from qualified mental health professionals. However, by practicing relaxation techniques, your brain will not perceive relaxation as foreign when you need it. Part of the problem with anxiety disorders is that you can’t go from fear to relaxation because it doesn’t seem natural . The more you practice relaxation, the more natural it will be again.
From my own experience, I’ve found that while “settling down” is not something I can force myself to do on command, it’s still a good signal that I’ve had an attack and need to do something. Worry has the nasty habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. When I get to the point where I start to overreact or panic, if someone tells me to calm down (or whatever), it’s a good sign that I need to act on my own. Of course, counting to ten doesn’t help me, but walking away from the situation until the anxiety subsides can help me return to it later without losing strength. I also found that the more I practiced relaxation in my free time, the easier it was for me to tell the difference when my anxiety flared up.
You need a plan to deal with attacks
Sometimes a panic attack can cause you unnecessary stress during a social event. Other times, your bedroom door breaks down for a week. Okay, maybe this last one is just me. During one particularly severe panic attack a few years ago, I was in my bedroom while my roommate had some of our friends in the living room down the hall.
I don’t even remember what provoked it, but I don’t need a reason. While I was sitting alone in my room, I started hyperventilating. I was terrified because my anxiety was acting more seriously than usual, but the fear only made the situation worse. I could hardly breathe, so it was difficult to call for help. Finally, I managed to push the writing chair against the bedroom door. It was a flimsy door in a shabby apartment. The door split into several parts.
However, it caught the attention of my roommates. One friend called an ambulance, which scared me more and the panic intensified. Fortunately, they stayed long enough for me to calm down. After that, my roommates and I talked about how to deal with this situation the next time it happens.
Worry is not convenient. When an attack occurs, when you are alone, it can be terrible. When you are overwhelmed in public, you may not have a socially acceptable way to deal with it. Forcing yourself to maintain composure can only exacerbate your anxiety. A panic attack or outbreak of panic can cause problems if it happens at the wrong time. How your anxiety manifests itself during the worst times can vary greatly, but it’s helpful to have a plan for how to deal with these situations before they happen.
The Reference Guide explains that severe anxiety attacks often peak within 10 minutes and sometimes last up to 30 minutes. In some people, anxiety attacks can be so severe that you cannot breathe physically. For others, it may simply manifest itself as severe and sudden stress. In most cases, this will go away if you give him time.
Everyone will have different needs, but in my experience, here are some of the things that helped to overcome the attack and deal with more serious problems:
- Pause the Situation: You cannot physically stop whatever is happening, but if you are in the middle of a tense conversation, ask if you can come back to it later. Don’t keep fighting with your loved one while the anxiety builds up. If you are driving, stop. Anything you can control, try to pause it for a while.
- Isolate yourself from the stressful stimulus: In my case, I often had problems with noisy places. In particular, the concerts were terrible. It is difficult to cope with anxiety when you cannot hear your thoughts and lights are flashing everywhere. If you can, go to a quiet place where you can be alone or have a little support for a friend.
- Focus on something else for a while: This can be challenging as the nature of panic attacks is that you can’t stop focusing on dire thoughts, but it’s good practice to try it. While sitting for a moment, try to focus on something else. If you can, distract yourself. If you can take your mind off the things that bother you, you can get your body back to normal.
- Alternatively, let it all out: scream. Cry. Make a terrible noise somewhere in the middle. Sometimes when you are overcome with anxiety, the only thing you can do is allow yourself to feel for a while what you need to feel. Eventually, your body will get tired. He cannot stay tense forever, and even more so after you scream for five minutes in a row. Keep in mind this is not for every situation. If your panic attacks make it hard to breathe, or if you’re in a public place, this may not work, but privately, for more emotional anxiety, this can be a quick fix.
Only you can understand what works for you. I had anxiety attacks that ranged from mild “I can’t handle this” mental illness to an incident with paramedics. There is no miracle cure, and no technique works for everyone. Again, this is not about getting rid of anxiety in the short term. All you need is to let it take its course until you can return to it later.
More importantly, don’t berate yourself for doing this . Recurrent attacks are just as normal for someone with an anxiety disorder as sneezing is for someone with a cold. Obviously, in the long run, you don’t want this to continue, but you shouldn’t hate yourself for doing it. Hopefully the people around you will understand and support this, but even if they don’t, at least give yourself a chance to take care of your needs.
Your problems are not (always) other people
Like almost everyone on the planet, my first romantic relationship was terrible. In retrospect, I realize that it was mostly my fault. You see, my childhood was quite abnormal, and because of it I felt rejected and experienced intense bitterness. Naturally, the first time I managed to get a girlfriend, I saw her as my personal source of confidence and support. Pro tip: This is awful .
We were both in college while filming, and she took me to the local film festival. The idea of going to a crowded place to “meet new people” sounded like a terrible idea to me, but I went with it because if things went wrong, I would have my girlfriend to support me.
To no one shocked, I could not resist. I didn’t speak to anyone new and ended up telling her that I would be waiting in the car. She asked if I was okay and we talked a little, but in the end she stayed. She knew where I was, but decided not to shorten the whole evening. Instead, she let me walk over to the car and let me relax and then come back if I wanted to. In other words, she was constructively handling the guy with anxiety.
Meanwhile, I was upset that she left me alone to have fun. How could she just leave me like that? Later that night, we had a falling out over this. We parted shortly thereafter.
In retrospect, I realize that the obvious problem was that I was not dealing with the underlying medical condition. My concern was not her fault, and blaming her only distracted me from the real problem. The worst side effect of this kind of accusation is that it repels people who are trying to help. Some people may try their best not to trigger a seizure that can overwork them. Others may (perhaps rightly) become defensive and refuse support.
This was the hardest lesson of all for me. I wanted there to be some external reason that I could cut off in order to stop this feeling. If only my roommate would stop being such a jerk! If only my girlfriend was more supportive! When you are overcome by anxiety, your ability to act is already at an all-time low. By pretending that other people are responsible for how you feel, you release tension. It may sound like a pleasure, but it also makes it difficult to build the supportive relationships that really matter.
Sometimes other people can seriously screw up. If you have a terrible job, look elsewhere. If you are dealing with a friend who only makes you feel worse, you can try to fix the problem. However, it is best to deal with these issues on good days or when you are not feeling overwhelmed. Most importantly, focus on what you can do for yourself whenever possible. The more you invest in your own well-being, the better you will relate to yourself and the easier it will be to deal with anxiety when it comes.
If you’re struggling with anxiety disorder, don’t hesitate to seek help. There are many hotlines and groups you can call if you don’t know where to go. Your health plan may have some guidance on the mental health programs covered . If you can not afford the treatment, you can get acquainted with our guide to learn about low-cost or no-cost options. Regardless of how you choose to get help, the most important thing is to take action. If you have someone in your life who can support you, try to lend a helping hand. Recovery is a long and difficult process, but it is possible.