Three Passive-Aggressive Phrases to Avoid When Giving Feedback
To be kind, you can soften your criticism by saying something like “maybe it’s just me, but …”. And while these qualifiers come from a good place, chances are the person receiving them will just think that you are just being passive-aggressive and not so subtly hiding what you are really trying to say.
This post was originally published on the Muse website .
So that you’re never that person, here are three phrases you should avoid in meetings based on my own (and very common) experience – plus, bonus, I’ll tell you how to express what you’re thinking in a more straightforward way: but polite.
1. “I was surprised / confused / interested …”
What a person hears: “You are wrong.”
I worked with a woman who often tried to disguise her criticism in this way. Instead of frankly stating that she didn’t quite follow my way of thinking, she tried to give the impression of being genuinely surprised at what I said.
Although she might have done this in an attempt to soften the blow, I have never heard of it. Instead, I took it as a stab in the back because my boss was present, and that feeling made me immediately ignore her feedback. Which was annoying, because I’m pretty sure she was often right.
What to say instead
“I thought X was different because Y. Can you walk me through your steps?”
2. “Oh, I thought you understood …”
What the person hears: “You did it wrong because you are stupid.”
I’ve encountered this a few times while working with larger cross-functional teams. Inevitably, there would be several different translations of the project objectives. And if everyone didn’t communicate well, the wires would cross and the project would go astray. When it came time to present our results – which were inevitably wrong – someone exclaimed, “Oh no, I thought you got the point!” Obviously, no one is happy in this situation, so such words just add fuel to the fire and prevent people from getting an idea of the work done, even if it was not entirely correct.
What to say instead
“You went in a different direction than I originally planned, but let’s talk about what you found, see if it works, and if not, what are the next steps.”
3. “In fact …”.
What a person hears: “I think you are an idiot.”
While it shouldn’t technically be offensive, I’ve found that almost every time someone uses it, they just hedge their comments. A colleague once told me that she was “really impressed” with an article I recently wrote. Even if this is true, I took it not as a compliment, but as an insult. (Translation: “I didn’t think you could do this, so I was surprised when I was impressed by your article.”) Such a short word, such a big impact!
What to say instead
In this case, you can simply delete from virtually whatever you are about to say. Being – or appearing – passive-aggressive can actually sneak up on you. Things can go awry when we try to minimize criticism. Instead of expressing constructive criticism in confusing language, just go out and say it – politely.
Your honesty will be appreciated by your coworkers and you won’t be considered the worst person to meet in the office.
3 Times You Think You Are Behaving But Actually You Seem To Be Passive-Aggressive | Muse