Why I Stopped Giving Unsolicited Medical Advice
Our desire for unsolicited advice is a lot like explosive diarrhea: shit just gushes before you can contain it. When your friend is struggling with something related to health, you may feel a moral obligation to rush to his side, usually asking, “Have you tried …?” After all, health is important and we all need to make sure we support each other … right?
I used to be that person, so I got it. Whenever someone faced a “problem” related to health or fitness, I would offer them unfounded “solutions” that I really wanted to share without even hearing what the person was saying, for example:
- Have an upset stomach but have already taken OTC drugs? ” Have you tried taking Pepto-Bismol?”
- Dealing with a wobbly knee? “ Hmm, have you tried stretching? This usually helps me. “
- Losing weight isn’t going anywhere? ” Have you tried not eating that much and moving more ?”
I was so upset when I tried to pick up my soap dish about proper nutrition and exercise because my friends never listened. A healthy lifestyle seemed so simple. I thought that if this is possible for me and many others, then everyone can do it. They just need someone smart to come and tell them what to do.
Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?
In 2005, I had a “ah-ha” moment for my health – an epiphany that makes me look at healthy living in a completely different light, because you made a change, and now you want to bring those changes to the world, damn it.
This moment will be unique to everyone, but through my own experience, I was pretty sure that calorie counting and an obsession with endurance exercise couldn’t do anything wrong for anyone. But my many years in this industry turned all my views upside down. I was an arrogant fool. I suffered from the Dunning-Kruger effect , a cognitive bias that makes people like me believe they are much smarter than they really are. (Someday I’ll probably look back at this point and still be a facepalm.)
I’m not alone here. The Dunning-Kruger effect is widespread among health and fitness enthusiasts (and even professionals). We tend to be pretty confident in our existing body of knowledge, mocking others for their ignorance, but we don’t really know much.
Not surprisingly, health and fitness are already quite confusing because of the media-science divide, decades of evil marketing, and the sheer volume of information available. You can see how easy it is to spread false medical information.
As a professional forum and proponent of comments, I often see commentators repeating denied information or, even worse, spreading outright crazy talk and potentially dangerous information. Many of them quickly turn into people mocking each other: “Do you even raise?” or “Are you even a science?” keep in mind that the other person probably couldn’t find their ass even if they tried. But truly no one wins.
Of course, these illusions of superiority are not limited to internet culture. Have you ever heard the most commonplace conversations that make you sick? Just hang out in the gym locker room. One could hear the most bizarre advice, which usually ends with the words “… it worked for me.” This, by the way, is a form of anecdotal evidence that, as a rule, has little scientific support (but can at least help to suggest a new hypothesis for the scientific method).
In gyms, I’ve seen people directly interrupt another person’s workout to tell them that they are doing something wrong ( ladies, you may understand what I’m talking about ). Not to mention the fact that 99.9% of the time it’s not their business at all.
Of course, all these people think they are doing you a favor. And hey, maybe you were even one of them at times. I know there is.
Just shut up and listen
Now I know better. I have learned that in most cases, my intention to teach is annoying rather than helping.
The other day, when I told someone how I struggled with unusual cravings (like scrambled eggs and bacon wrapped in a waffle and sprinkled with syrup), but gave up the pleasure, he suggested for me that I just – I don’t fucking chew on food and spit it back out. What the … I wasn’t looking for any crazy advice on eating disorderly. I just wanted to get out!
I notice the same thing elsewhere. We all just want to give advice on how to fix it at the first sign of a problem, when the person who is struggling so desperately just wants to sympathize.
On the likelihood of a friend specifically asking for health and fitness advice, I learned that she’s probably already done a fair amount of research on her own and clinging to certain philosophies (like Paleo , for example). It is more likely that any additional (unsolicited) answer from me will only confuse her, or worse, make her feel incompetent. Research into responses to unsolicited advice suggests something we already know deep down: people don’t like to hear advice they don’t need or can’t immediately apply. In fact, because of this intrusion, they are more likely to contradict your benevolent advice .
People show no interest in real conversations anyway.
Even when my friends and family attack me with questions like “What’s the best way to get rid of belly fat?” or “What do I eat to lose weight?” – I’m afraid to answer them.
Since science has not yet figured out how to make me invisible, I puzzle over and offer them simple goals, and then they immediately remind me why I stopped doing it. If I don’t blow them up with the industry’s sharpest secrets and hold their hand every step of the way, I will see their interest simply fade from their face. So why bother?
On other occasions, some people ask questions with the intention of spanking me with research and articles they have read. Some of them are, of course, valid, but many people don’t seem to realize that scientific research is often conducted in tightly controlled laboratory conditions with specific constraints to study a very small number of variables, or that biology does not work in isolation. When I explain this, they look like I just shot their dog.
My New Approach: More Empathy, Less Talk
I began to realize that the assumption that everyone has an equal opportunity for health is not just wrong, it is downright offensive. What is easy for me is not necessarily easy for someone else. We are all exposed to different conditions of the environment, finances, resources and life circumstances. It’s just not my business to interfere without asking or knowing any information about their past. They’ve probably tried my suggestion already or they can’t.
Listening to my unsolicited advice is the last thing anyone needs. Advice can only reach a certain point (and rarely does it at all).
Instead of talking to someone in their face about your latest health insights, show empathy, see where they come from, and learn from each interaction, even if you think you’ve figured out something already. Instead of the banal “Have you tried …” approach, choose “Which of the things you tried worked for you?” to help them achieve their own insight. Everyone can do it! (Admittedly, this is damn difficult. It took me a long time to bite my tongue and concentrate so much on the conversation that it even started to intimidate the other person.)
We are all passionate about health, but in my experience the passion and desire to help doesn’t shake anyone. You can’t solve everyone’s health problems, like marketing companies do, and cheaters think they can, but you can support them, point them to trusted resources, as well as scrupulous experts, and let them speak up if they want to. Then, little by little, you may find that people are getting rid of their health problems – and you have to do your part without being that person.