The Five Stages of Grief After Losing Your Job
It was Saturday, my plane had landed and I was ready to relax on my short weekend getaway when an email came to my phone. I lost my job. I showed it to my boyfriend sitting next to me. “Things like this happen,” I said, smiling and putting my phone away. “This is probably for the best. Let’s enjoy our trip. ” I praised myself for being strong and accepting the situation. In fact, I completely denied that I had just lost the job I loved.
It sounds commonplace, but when we are dealing with tragedy or crisis, most of us go through some version of the five traditional stages of grief . We are all different, so we perceive them differently. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross , the psychiatrist who identified these stages, said that they are not necessarily experienced linearly, and some people may not experience them at all. These are just general stages that people who burned go through. And this is not limited to death and divorce – it can also apply to job loss.
Understanding these stages will help you cope. When I lost my job, understanding my thought process helped me cope with my emotions and learn to manage myself professionally.
When you deny, take time to think
When I denied this, I refused to believe that something bad had happened. When Mom asked if I was okay, I joked. “Why shouldn’t I be okay?” I said. “This is probably a blessing in disguise. This probably happened so that I could get a bigger, better and better paying job. ” It seemed helpful to tell myself this, but I also refused to accept the loss.
For others, denial may mean insisting that the employer reconsider or that the loss is temporary. There is a great episode about Fraser that touches on this very topic. When Fraser denies losing his job, he convinces himself that this is actually a blessing, because now he finally has time to write an operetta. The American Chemical Society document explains the purpose of denial :
Denial acts as a buffer, initially protecting you from strong emotions such as anger and allowing you to continue functioning. If you were expecting a layoff, you may feel relieved that you no longer have to work under stressful conditions.
Of course, losing your job can give you more time for your hobbies. Your employer may very well reconsider their decision, and in the end something better will probably come up. But it’s not that. The point is, when you are at this stage, you are emotionally rejecting the loss in order to protect yourself. Failure may be necessary, but it can be a problem.
For example, if you deny it, you may not even be looking for a new job because you completely reject the question. Or maybe you are in financial distress and continue to spend money on gourmet food and luxury items, even though your income has declined.
As psychologist Dr. Melanie Greenberg notes, self-esteem is important at this time. You want to be honest about your feelings and the reason for losing your job. On Psychology Today, she suggests :
Awareness is the first step to change. Be prepared to face a problem, but don’t dwell on it 24 hours a day. This will only make you feel worse. Think about it enough to understand how you are feeling and how best to respond, then focus on something more positive. Research shows that giving up thinking or solving problems actually creates more stressors – a phenomenon known as stress generation (external communication). For example, if you do not open the envelopes with your accounts, you will receive calls from collection agencies.
Financially, you also want to make the right money transfers after losing your job : make an emergency budget, call your creditors, ask for help, and so on.
It’s tempting to shut up when you’re at this stage too. I avoided my friends because I didn’t want to hear them tell me that everything would be okay. I told myself that I didn’t want to burden them with my problems, but I really didn’t want to face the truth and reflect on it. After all, you are protecting yourself, and admitting the truth to others can make you feel vulnerable.
But, as we said , it’s important to prove yourself when you are unemployed. This could mean attending networking events, reaching out to peers for job recommendations, or simply volunteering.
Minimize stress when you are angry
When reality creeps in, it becomes natural to get angry over the loss of a job. You may be angry with your employer, former colleagues, the economy, or yourself. Hell, you can get mad at anyone and everyone around you. The Ladders job site says it’s time to seek support :
Surround yourself with family and friends who understand your task. Perhaps seek professional advice or advice from your minister. There are also many community-based job search support groups. Look for them and get involved. When your external anger has subsided, you will begin to move on to the next stage.
Of course, you want this support to be productive. If your ventilation turns into a dwelling, it could backfire.
It can also be helpful to write about your feelings. I kept a diary when I lost my job, and it helped relieve stress as well as expose my anger so that I would not take it out of those around me.
Financial stress can exacerbate the situation, so avoid any rash financial decisions that could stress you in the future. For example, you probably don’t want to borrow from a retirement account or ignore your lenders during unemployment, and you definitely want to avoid debt traps . All of this has consequences that can exacerbate your stress and fuel anger.
Keep the blame at bay during the bargaining stage
At some point in the bargaining phase, I really convinced myself that if I dress better, the universe will throw me a dice. I don’t dress, I said to myself. “How can I expect a great job if I wear jeans and a T-shirt all the time?” I figured that if I focused on my appearance, my career problem would disappear by itself.
In this episode with Fraser, he does the same. He convinces himself that if he supported his fans more, his career problems would go away on their own. “I was a bad celebrity,” he concludes. Of course, his fans had nothing to do with his job loss, just as my dress code had nothing to do with my client’s budget cuts (I worked from home because I was crying out loud). It was just bargaining in action.
There is nothing wrong with cultivation, but ironically, it can get in the way if it is misdirected. Perhaps I really need to dress better, but the time spent in my wardrobe would be better spent looking for a job or attending a networking event.
As with any of these stages, it is important to learn how to bargain so you can get past it. However, when you are at this stage, you are often very hard on yourself and this can seriously affect your self-esteem. You make yourself feel unnecessarily guilty. To maintain your confidence, CareerPlanner.com recommends exercise . Think about each of your jobs, and then ask yourself three questions:
- What have I achieved / achieved / made? What am I proud of?
- What have I learned about myself or what new skills have I acquired?
- Whom and how did I help?
Once you have a few things on your list, pick the ones that you are most proud of and then write about them. Tell a story about it, even if it’s just a paragraph.
It serves a valuable purpose of keeping guilt at bay as it focuses on your accomplishments. These achievements are also grounded in reality.
If the job loss was peaceful, you might also consider asking for letters of recommendation from your former boss or coworker. It’s helpful to have it on hand professionally, but it can also boost your self-confidence and relieve guilt.
This does not mean that you are perfect and you have no room for improvement, but at this stage you are trying to bargain your way out of reality, so this improvement is often wrong. More importantly, it can make you feel guilty, so be aware of this.
Focus on self-care when depressed
Depression is common after job loss and is a natural transition from the bargaining stage. As we mentioned , this helps to understand that you have the right to get depressed:
“Reaffirm your right to feel unhappy,” advised NPR’s Dr. Robert L. Leahy, author of The Anxiety Cure . “You are human. You have the right to feel unhappy. ” Once you give your emotions room to exist, you can begin to see the bigger picture more clearly, allowing you to act in ways that will help you and your career.
The test was difficult for me because I just wanted to get over it. Instead of dealing with my depression, I told myself that I was done with it (more denial). Eventually, I became depressed again. This stage is important to experience, but it also sucks. Several things helped me get through this.
First, my daily routine was helpful because it gave me direction and purpose. It also made me hug my grindstone and look for work. Part of my routine also included a few hobbies that I didn’t have time for when I worked 50 hours a week, so it was a good break. I didn’t convince myself that losing my job was good so that I could pursue these hobbies (which would be a denial), but I still tried to enjoy them so as not to think about the constant feeling of failure.
Speaking of this feeling of failure, many people step up their exercise at this stage as well. Exercise can induce happiness and reduce stress, as well as make you feel successful and productive, which is important when you are feeling the pitfalls of unemployment.
Volunteering can also help you understand your purpose. It can also be useful for networking. At the same time, you also need to be sure that your goal is not work-related. As Forbes explains :
People who interpret job loss as a sign of personal inadequacy or failure are less likely to “ get back on the horse ” in their job hunt than those who interpret it as an unfortunate circumstance that has provided a valuable opportunity to grow in self-awareness. re-evaluate priorities and increase resilience. You determine who you are, not your job or the company’s decision to hire you or not.
It’s hard not to take things personally when you’re upset about losing your job, but to maintain self-esteem, try to think about the situation as objectively as possible.
Find acceptance
Finally, of course, there is agreement. You understand what happened, you have experienced it and you are experiencing it. Acceptance is one thing to keep in mind: make sure you are not coercing him. Sure, some people jump straight to the acceptance stage after losing their job, but as Carrealism points out, sometimes it’s just denial :
The best way to find out if you have actually been through the loss of your job and if you are in the acceptance stage is to share your experience:
- Objectivity: You can state facts without adding emotional comments.
- Accountability: You can take responsibility for what caused your job loss.
Trust me when I say that hiring managers (and everyone you talk to about looking for a job) can tell if you are in the midst of accepting the grief of losing your job.
Again, you don’t want to rush through any of these stages. In order to come to terms with the loss of your job, it is important to experience any emotions that arise. However, you can manage them and make sure they don’t get the best out of you in the process.