A Guide to Sexual Fantasies for Shy People
Sometimes sharing your fantasies is as easy as “hey, I like XYZ. Do you want to do this to me? “But not all of us have this level of comfort with our desires. Here’s how to relax by divulging your fantasies.
Feel comfortable with these fantasies at first
It is very difficult to ask someone to do something with you in bed if you do not feel completely comfortable with what you are asking for. Just like the old adage “you have to love yourself first before you let someone love you,” you have to respect your fantasies if you want someone else to respect them!
Part of a healthy adult sex life is taking the time to explore our desires without judgment and find out what turns us on. Think about your fantasies ( perhaps while masturbating ) and try to figure out what kindles your fire. You may find it helpful to distinguish between your fantasies and desires. Fantasies are what you think about, what turns you on. Desires are what you really want to fulfill. You may fantasize about having sex in public, but you never really want to. Sometimes this differentiation helps us understand what turns us on.
After that, try to simply say out loud what interests you. This doesn’t mean you need to go into details, but try something simple, like “I like being dominated” or “I want to have a threesome.” Repeat until you feel more comfortable with the words. Allow yourself to make your fantasies and desires come true. All of us have been taught to be ashamed of our sexuality in one way or another, so this can be a tricky step for some. Just try to say to yourself, “I am allowing myself to get turned on by this.”
These steps may seem a little silly at first, but they go a long way in your relationship with your sexuality and in your ability to assert your own desires. How you feel about your fantasies will determine how your partner will react to them. If you blush and stumble about asking for anal sex, your partner will feel uncomfortable with you and are less likely to agree to your request. But if you can ask the question confidently and clearly, your partner will immediately feel better.
Don’t overestimate your fantasies
The word “fantasy” itself makes many people nervous, so they end up making their fantasies seem like more than they really are. Fantasy is just something that turns you on in your mind. Sure, you can have a detailed fantasy of being tortured in a dungeon, but you can also have a fantasy as simple as “I want to have sex with the lights on.” You may also not be aware of your fantasies. For example, you might be curious about having an orgy but are not sure if you really enjoy it.
You also don’t need to try to figure out why you have a particular fantasy, or what it “says about you,” that a particular thing turns you on. Remember, fantasies don’t always coincide with desires. But even if you really want to try fantasy in real life, there is still no need to judge. Rape fantasies are a classic example: Rape is one of the five most popular female fantasies, but rape fantasies doesn’t mean you really want to be raped in real life. It also doesn’t make you crazy or a bad feminist.
Of course, sometimes there are clear reasons why we have certain fantasies. You may be able to determine that you are in a dynamic of relinquishing control since you have so much control over every other aspect of your life. Sometimes we have fantasies precisely because they are so different from how we allow ourselves to act in the real world. But not every fantasy has a clear explanation, and the bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter. If something turns you on, if it happens between consenting adults, and if no one is offending (against their will), that’s okay.
Figure out when to ask
Everyone has a different relationship with their fantasies. For some people, this is the cherry on top of the ice cream, but not the main event. If so, it might be best to wait a bit before realizing your fantasies with a new partner. Give yourself a chance to get comfortable and get to know each other better before you start sharing more personal details about your interests.
For others, fantasies are more important. Some people cannot be sexually satisfied if they don’t have special sex. If incompatibility with your fantasies is getting in your way, you may be better off sharing your fantasies sooner rather than later. Let your partner know, “This is what I’m looking for. I don’t want to waste our time if it’s not interesting to you. ” You might even want to use a service like Adult Friend Finder or Fetlife to lay all your cards on the table.
If you are really afraid of your partner’s reaction, try to make your way easier. If you enjoy playing with the sensations, ask your partner if they would like to use a massage oil candle before pulling out the Wartenburg wheel . You can also try using leading questions to gauge their potential response. For example: “I read about it on the Internet today. Have you ever thought about doing something like this? “Or try watching porn or reading erotica that has some aspect of your fantasy and see how your partner reacts.
It’s also worth mentioning that you don’t have to share every aspect of your personal fantasy world with your partner, even if you’re in a serious relationship. You may have fantasies that you really don’t want to pursue. We all have a right to a little privacy when it comes to our fantasies! For example, when you fantasize about other people. No matter how much you love your partner, you will fantasize about other people from time to time. This is not a hoax, and there is no need to “confess”! It’s up to you which part of your fantasy world to share, but a simple recommendation is to only divulge what you really want to try.
Tell your partner why you want to do this with him
For many people, hearing your partner’s fantasies can create feelings of insecurity. It’s easy to get into a place where you don’t feel like you are “enough” for your partner.
One easy way to get around this is to share specific reasons why you want to act out your fantasy with them. You may have never met someone you trusted as much as you did your current partner. They may be the only person who has helped you feel safe enough to explore your fantasies. Maybe they look exactly like the character you dreamed of when you were a horny teenager. Maybe you can’t get out of your mind the thought of her beautiful breasts wrapped in bondage tape, or his strong arms pinning you to the ground. Be that as it may, share with your partner why he is an important part of your fantasy, and not just playing a role that any other person could play.
Try these lines
Still stumped? Here are some simple tips to get you started:
- “You know what sounds real hot to me?”
- “There are some things I’ve always wanted to try, but I waited until I found the right person.”
- “I would like to see how you do …”
- “What did you dream about when you were a teenager?”
- “Have you ever thought about doing …”
- “I saw this movie, which had a scene where the actors were filming … would you ever do something like this?”
- “How do you feel about …”
- “I’m not sure if I really like it, but I’ve always been a little curious to try …”
Even if the thought of sharing your fantasies has made you stressful, remember that your partner’s reaction to your revelation says a lot about whether they are worthy of your time and affection. Respect your fantasy? Do they listen to you without judgment? Are they ready to at least consider your request? Sharing your fantasies is a great way to gauge your long-term compatibility with someone.
Update : Part 2 of this guide is out now : After you’ve talked about your sexual fantasies, it’s time to bring them to life.