How My Partner and I Overcame Our Money Problems and Learned to Coexist
It’s important to be on the same page with your partner, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything. When we first met, my fiance and I had completely different money habits, and we fought over it all the time. Years later, we still have these different habits, but the fights are gone. This is how we learned to coexist.
We learned how different we are
The more serious our relationship got, the more I noticed Brian’s spending. If he received an award at work, he spent everything right there. If he got a raise, his lifestyle would swell accordingly. Thus, I automatically named him a wasteful. For him I was a curmudgeon: I saved and saved to failure. These shortcuts were simple, but they were also limiting and did little to help us understand each other.
To correct our views on each other, we had to discuss this a little deeper. To do this, I suggested finding our monetary philosophy (although I’m sure I called it less trivial to get him involved). We were just talking about our relationship with money and what it is. For me, not having money was scary, and therefore I saved: it meant safety. For him, money was just money. You earn and spend them because that is what they are for. Understanding his views helped me understand that sometimes money is just a tool . My understanding helped him see that money can represent something more .
I had a tendency to idealize money; he tended to oversimplify it. Finding out how different we are didn’t solve anything right away, but awareness (and a healthy dose of empathy) made the rest of the climb much easier.
We’ve learned to communicate effectively
Active listening is an important skill that we both had to learn to overcome our differences. Before, I would have just nodded and dismissed Brian’s financial troubles. I felt like I knew better, so I said, “It’s cool, but we do it like this,” and then I took responsibility for our budget. As a result, he will not be 100% in agreement with my plan, so he will spend too much money and we will inevitably get into a fight. We both had to learn to really understand where the other person was coming from.
Beyond that, we are also exploring the mechanisms of healthy, productive conversation, despite our differences. For this, we have established several basic rules:
- Beware of Basement Thinking : As a general rule, avoid talking when you are in a bad mood or actively worried and worried about money.
- Have “cash dates” on a regular basis : that sounds trite, I know. But now we have regular meetings where we discuss our finances and goals, and it was really useful. It gives us a sense of control and keeps us on the same page. We don’t really include any dating element in our meetings, but it still feels less tedious because money is no longer a sensitive topic. I even had a reader who suggested publicly arranging monetary dates. She and her husband kept their breakfast at breakfast. It keeps you on your toes to avoid fights. For us, it also helps to avoid talking about money outside of these dates as much as possible.
- Don’t get personal : When Brian and I talked about money, I had a habit of blaming him without even realizing it. For example, instead of “we need to make sure we save enough for retirement,” I would say something like “you need to save more because you are spending too much.” It may have been true, but it sounds like a lecture. I had to learn to be objective. One rule of thumb that I used to stay objective was to use language that could not be challenged. For example, the statement “you are spending too much” is controversial. What, after all, is too much ? On the other hand, “I am worried about your expenses” – objectively. It cannot be denied that I am concerned, but that does not necessarily mean that he is doing something wrong.
Here’s another helpful tip: Focus on the topic you’re discussing. PsychCentral explains :
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments, which can then turn into discussions of everything, including the kitchen sink. To respect each other and the relationship, you should try to keep the discussion (or argument) focused on the topic under discussion. While it’s easy to get cheap snapshots or touch on anything that seems to require an argument, just don’t. If the argument is about who is preparing dinner today, leave this topic in the same spirit. Don’t turn off the back road because of who does what in the house, who is responsible for raising the children, and by the way, who washes the kitchen sink.
These are just habits that have helped me in my relationship; your own mileage may vary. But we’ve written more about how to talk to your spouse about various financial habits , so it’s helpful to try out several communication styles to come up with something that works for your relationship. Bottom line: You don’t need to agree on everything, but if you want to come to a consensus, you must learn how to communicate your differences effectively.
We have achieved common financial goals
When we learned about our differences and how to talk productively about money, we came up with a financial plan. This meant formulating our goals. I came across some helpful tips from personal finance writer Tiffany Alishe. She writes:
First, identify and take care of your needs, such as food, shelter, clothing (not counting fashionable essentials), water, etc. A need is what you need to sustain life. For instance; if you do not eat or drink water, you cannot sustain life.
Then identify, write down, and share no more than two feelings of love . It is very important. We often neglect our favorite things in favor of our likes and desires , because likes and desires tend to be cheaper and require less patience to acquire.
Think about it differently: How does using money bring you the most joy ? For me, this is financial security (or financial independence) and travel. Having enough money to feel safe and free to live exactly the way I want is priceless to me. I also love to travel. I asked Brian about his priorities. He agreed that travel was “love,” but said he also wants to buy a house someday. At that time, we had three solid financial goals: financial independence, savings for travel, and buying a house. Undoubtedly lofty goals. But at least we had a starting point.
We found a compromise with our goals
From that moment on, we knew that we would not be able to achieve these goals if we constantly spend money on what we just love. So, we have listed these things: dining out and shopping is what we loved to spend money on. It would be better to avoid our “likes” at all costs , but alas, we are human. However, we agreed to drastically reduce these areas so that someday we can use our money for what we like.
From there we had to calculate the numbers. This meant developing a plan that included all three of our goals. We asked ourselves:
- When would each of us want to achieve each goal idealistically?
- How much can we afford to save for each goal?
- How much should we finance one goal versus another?
We decided to split the funding for our financial independence and the goal of home buying 50/50. It seemed fair and reasonable for our situation. Since we both enjoy traveling, we also agreed to set aside a certain amount per month for travel every couple of years. At this point, we had an action plan to achieve our goals.
However, the financial plan does not always boil down to savings. Brian was in debt a few years ago and I emptied my emergency fund. So while our overall goals were the same, our plan of action at the time was to get out of debt and replenish the emergency fund before we start saving.
Having outlined our expectations for each goal, it’s time to create a budget . We listed our needs, then our goals, and then decided how to distribute our discretionary income, adjusting the numbers when it made sense.
We also decided to have both combined and separate accounts. Our pooled accounts are for expenses for our general expenses and purposes, and our separate accounts are for our personal discretionary expenses. So when Brian recently bought a pair of shoes and felt he had to justify the purchase for me, I brushed it off, explaining that as long as we stick to our plan and achieve savings, we don’t have to worry about what the other person buys. Of course, if these costs get in the way of achieving these goals, that’s another story. But this is easily avoided by paying yourself first .
Over time, I also notice that our habits have become less extreme. I’m not as tight-fisted as I used to be with money, and Brian is surprisingly leaner. He believes that with his thriftiness he knew that now his money has a purpose (someday to buy a house). For me, knowing that we have a process to achieve these goals helps me to relax and realize that we are in control. We’re still very different, but we’ve learned to compromise and understand the other’s point of view a little better.