How to Deal With People Who Undermine Everything You Do
A few years ago, a friend introduced me to someone who asked me what I do for a living. “I’m working on an online video series,” I said. It was hard work, it required meticulous planning, research and interviews, and this is how I paid the bills. My friend chimed in, “She’s a video blogger,” and then chuckled. I didn’t quite understand what she meant, but I felt humiliated.
This was the first in a series of confusing passive-aggressive incidents. You’ve probably been there too. Maybe this is your career. Maybe you want to eat healthier foods. Or maybe you are making a more modest choice to clean up your finances. Whatever the push, most of us have had to deal with a friend or family member who seems to enjoy knocking you off your feet.
This is called social disruption and may seem harmless enough, but it can have emotional consequences. You start to doubt yourself, feel a lack of support, and feel offended. This is not fun to deal with, especially if you hate confrontation. But it’s best to nip the budging friend before you get to the boiling point. Here’s how to do it.
Look for signs
Above all, make sure you are really dealing with social disruption. We all stick our feet in our mouths from time to time. What appears to be social undermining may simply be someone saying something stupid. For example, when a humble friend once told me how much she saved on her wedding, I agreed that “cheap” weddings can be great. I felt terrible right after I said that because it sounded more like criticism than something I admired.
This was an honest mistake; there was no motive. The motive for social undermining is good, undermining . Here’s how it is defined in a study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior :
Behavior designed to interfere with the ability to establish and maintain positive interpersonal relationships, success at work, and a favorable reputation over time.
Basically, social undermining uses negativity to weaken a person’s goals or successes. You will probably notice a few distinguishing features of whoever does this:
- They do it to others : not only will you notice.
- You feel defensive around them : you feel defensive, as if you need to prove something to them and you don’t quite understand why.
- They are judgmental : They enjoy gossiping about the lifestyle choices of other friends or family members. They can disguise gossip and judgment as concerns.
- They are great at making compliments in return : their compliments seem oddly offensive.
- They overcompensate : They try too hard to support, care for, or take care of themselves.
- They tempt you : they lead you away from your goals by offering enticing alternatives. When you try to diet, you are encouraged to eat unhealthy foods. When you are trying to save money, they tempt you to show yourself off.
Of course, you want to make sure you’re not overly sensitive. I was born with thin skin, so I try to ignore most of the comments, which I think are undermining, attributing them to my sensitivity. But if I’m really not sure about something, I’ll ask an outsider. My mom, for example, knows best how sensitive I am.
Determine the motive
If you are confident that you are dealing with a Demoman, it helps to understand why they are doing it. It is a common belief that people undermine your decisions, goals, or success out of jealousy. In many cases, this is true. But not always. Here are some more reasons:
- Competition : Research published at DePaul University points to the abuse of oversight, which is common in the workplace. You may have a coworker, boss, or boss who is hostile because he feels powerless.Another study, published in the Journal of Applied Psychology, looked at the end-result mentality: when a colleague is willing to do whatever it takes to succeed, including eliminating any competitors.
- Projection : People can also undermine your choice if it reminds them of their own choice. Before I moved to Los Angeles, a random old colleague found out about this and emailed me, saying that it was the stupidest decision I have ever made. “You’ll be back next year with your tail between your legs,” he wrote, which was a terrible thing from someone I didn’t know very well. But later he added something like: ” Everyone has crazy dreams, but most of us don’t follow them because we are smart enough to know that they are crazy . “ I realized that it was not so much about me as about his own experience.
- Concern : On the other hand, I also think social undermining occurs when there is genuine concern. My parents were afraid of my moving to California. And for a while they used every opportunity to refute my decision. But this was not the result of projection, competition, or jealousy. They were worried and afraid to see me fail because they wanted the best for me.
When figuring out how to deal with social disruption, you first need to understand why it is happening. This way, you can choose the best solution to the problem.
Be prepared
In most situations, communication should be your first line of defense. Your friend, coworker, or boss may not even realize that they are undermining you to begin with. In high school, a close friend of mine started dating and spending most of the time with someone. I sometimes teased her about the relationship, but I didn’t really think about it. Once she asked directly: “Why do you never want to say something good about him?” I realized I was downplaying what she had because I was jealous of both of them and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
When I realized that my parents were afraid of my well-being in the new city, I knew how to communicate with them about their social undermining. I explained my plans to them and showed that I had considered everything that worried them. Plus, I told them that I needed their support. Since then, the bombing has stopped, and instead they have given him tremendous support.
Explaining to a friend or family member your goals, why those goals are important to you, and how their comments affect you can help them better understand the situation. As selfish as it may sound, when my friend called me, I realized that her relationship had nothing to do with me. It was her happiness, and I was able to separate my own feelings of jealousy from it. Her candor made me better understand the situation and what I was doing.
Communication is also important when you are undermined at work. Career site Dice.com explains :
Early on, you might be able to resolve the situation with simple conversation. For example, if you were not invited to a meeting, you can approach the person who did not invite you, tell them that you are sure it was an oversight, and ask them to include you in the future. This conversation “grabs the attention of the criminal,” said Kathy Robinson, founder of TurningPoint, a coaching firm in Arlington, Massachusetts.
It also keeps track of your behavior in case you are ever thrown under a bus.
Openness works in some situations, but not in all. If the subversion is passive-aggressive, your friend may pretend to be blunt. Or they may turn things around and ask why you are in a confrontation. When a little honesty and communication doesn’t work, there are a few more options.
Stop giving them information
Keep your progress, milestones, or successes to yourself if a friend makes you feel bad about them. Momentum is essential to achieving your goals . When someone knocks you down, it can kill your momentum.
It doesn’t even have to be about purpose. Sometimes demolitions are just trying to make you feel bad about the life you already have. In any case, it can help avoid any topics that bring it up in them. Get Rich Slowly suggests reorienting friendships :
Focus on the good. Is there an activity that positively brings you two closer together? Maybe when you do something as part of a group, your friend doesn’t leave negative comments. Or maybe when you go for a run together, he is too out of breath to make disparaging comments! Do more of these things and avoid social activities in which your friend is more prone to criticism and criticism.
If aspects of your life inevitably cause them to be jealous or rivalry, it may be best to avoid these topics if you want to maintain a friendship.
In the same article “Get Rich Slowly,” one reader offers an interesting suggestion on how to avoid demolitions:
I think there is a technique in judo … where you use the energy of the opponent against him – for example, when he lunges at you, you do not try to block him, but instead dodge and then pull in the direction that he is already so that they cannot do anything to you until they are well. This is what I do with demolition men.
Even when I totally disagree with their position, I admit it “would be good” and change the subject …
For example: DIED: “Don’t you know that saving money is useless? Life will just find a way to take it away from you. ” Me: “Yes, it could have happened. Hey, you caught yesterday’s streak … “Or, DIED:” You should buy a new car, yours sucks. ” Me: “God, I would like a new car! It would be great “. and didn’t bother with anything to buy a new car.
In the martial arts, this is called soft technique , and as the reader mentions, it is both defensive and offensive. You don’t want to hurt your friend friend, but you really want to avoid his blows. Ignoring conflict can make their attempts more obvious, forcing them to deal with it on their own.
Change the relationship
If your client is a casual acquaintance or colleague, just stop talking to them. But with a friend or family member, things are not so simple.
If all else fails, try doing a couple of tips we already did on how to deal with a jerk friend. In particular, we recommend spending less time together or ending your friendship.
A small distance can be beneficial for you, especially if there is competition. The cliché ” absence” may sound plausible. Distance can make you realize that friendships should support, not undermine.
Take whatever you can out of this
In a sense, disruption can be motivating. I do not want him to be constantly present in my life, but I try to make him useful in several ways.
Competition can be motivating. For many years I have been in constant competition with my good friend. We often undermined each other’s successes, which was frustrating, but fueled our competitiveness. We worked hard to prove the other person was wrong. After all, we grew up and learned to support and reward each other’s accomplishments, not threaten them. But if you don’t have a friend who is also willing to cooperate, you can use their undermining to your advantage. Of course, this can easily have the opposite effect, so you need to know when to back off.
Secondly, I started using the detonation as a trigger. Demolitions often attack your weakest points, which can be a good thing, because you can become aware of weaknesses that you weren’t aware of. Undermining is often pointless. But when someone does it now, I first ask myself if there is any truth to it before I just throw it away, no matter how rude.
Find support
Of course, it also helps to surround yourself with people who support you. In a study published in the journal Social Sciences and Medicine , researchers found that positive support can make a difference even when there is social undermining (or what they call “problem support”):
Getting positive or helpful support from close friends and family was associated with a decrease in depression; receiving problem support was associated with increased depression. A positive x problematic support interaction suggests that the cost of problem support does not negate the benefits of positive support.
Social disruption is frustration that is difficult to deal with, whether with a friend, family, or colleague. Even when you think it’s okay and you can handle it, the effects of the disruption can slowly creep up on you and take over. You feel insecure, powerless, and angry. Small steps can help nip it in the bud. At the very least, it will help you deal with it and feel better.