How I Learned Not to Be an Insufferable Know-It-All
Random tidbits, facts, and talking points taken from the latest NPR broadcast have always been my talking fuel. But these things can turn you into an intolerable intellectual know-it-all if you’re not careful, and because of this, people won’t want to talk to you. This is how I learned to contain it.
I enjoy learning, and because of this, I tend to imagine myself as a jack of all trades (and yes, not a master at anything). I’m full of useless facts, knowledge and tidbits that most people don’t care about or don’t want to hear about. Even so, it never stopped me from speaking. In the past, this has made me come across as sarcastic know-it-all, or worse, downright arrogant. This is by no means intentional: I love to study, I love to argue, I love to be critical of random topics, and I love to discuss nonsense with anyone who will speak to me.
But recently a friend pointed to a book on my bookshelf, and I responded with a classic, condescending, High Fidelity -style “Do you know who this is ?” response. I immediately wanted to take it back. I felt like a complete butt, but at least it made me take a closer look at how unbearable I was in the conversation. After several weeks of paying attention to how I speak, the problem is worse than I thought. So, I gave myself a few rules. If any of this sounds familiar to you, you can continue.
Beware of sentences that start with the word “really”
We have already talked about removing the word “really” from your letter , and this is true of the conversation as well. Every time I start a sentence with “really,” I’m going to say something sarcastic or throw away the compliment. Both are terrible, both are unintentional, and both seem to appear unnoticed by me in my dialogue.
Of course, this is not just “really”. Other words trigger the same type of random snare. Obvious, sure, and honest are keywords that almost always precede know-it-alls. The same is often true of the word “is,” which, as we pointed out earlier , has an unpleasant tendency to sound more definite than you wanted. Here are some examples :
“He acted like an idiot in my eyes.”
“It doesn’t seem to make any sense at all.”
“She looks depressed.”
Which is not at all the same as:
“He’s an idiot!” and “She’s depressed.”
Unfortunately, speaking is not the same as writing. You can’t just CTRL + F go through your daily dialogue to find your mistakes. Instead, I did it mentally and watched closely for these errors. If I was going to say “really,” I would pause and rebuild the sentence. It took some willpower and a lot of forgiveness when I am wrong and wrong, but in the end, these crutch words slowly left my vocabulary. They are still in my head, but at least I usually catch them before they leave my stupid mouth.
Be considerate of your audience
Some of my friends might appreciate the fact that no, Tron was not hard to find on DVD when it was first released, it was only difficult when Tron: Legacy was released with two packs. However, most of my friends (and strangers) don’t care. Perhaps years of working from home made me forget a simple rule of thumb: tailor your message to your audience .
My brain is so jammed with a dumbass that it’s hard not to share these facts when they come up in conversation. I randomly add tidbits like, “Oh, actually, Vario’s name is a handbag from Mario and the Japanese word for“ bad, ”it’s not just an upper M” or “I’m pretty sure the name Endurance in Interstellar is after ship by Ernest Shackleton. “This is all good, but I did not pay attention to when these facts needed to be added and when not.
I’m sure you know how frustrating people can be who make comments like this without continuing. Of course, in some circles this is great. It’s a fun way to start a conversation, spark something new, or delve deeper into a topic that everyone wants to discuss. In other circles, they ignore or, worse, alienate you from other people in the conversation. For some reason my brain has forgotten how to distinguish between these two groups.
I had to retrain my brain a bit to do this, but it was as easy as giving myself a few seconds to think, “ Does anyone in this conversation care about what I’m about to say? “It sounds simple like we should all think about it before we open our mouths, but most of us just don’t.
Don’t fix people, point them in the “right” direction
Sometimes people are wrong. Sometimes they say nonsense. But not all of the wrong things someone says need to be corrected, or at least not from you (or me, for that matter). However, when you do decide to intervene, there is a right way to do it and another wrong way. I always threw myself right in the throat with harsh comments like “no, you’re wrong …” or something like that. It doesn’t always go so well.
We’ve already talked about fixing someone who shares false information online , and some of the same rules apply here. Be polite, correct people only when it really matters, and try to communicate with people, not correct them .
For me, the easiest way to do this is to ask questions instead of rushing to tell someone “really …” as I mentioned earlier. A good set of questions can lead someone to the correct answer without you calling BS. Here’s an example of former diplomat Angela Dickey :
I think the best thing to do is get the other person to think if they are right or not … You might say something like, “Where did you hear that? It’s really interesting. “
Asking questions is like a trick. You make the person think about their origins and why they think that way without directly correcting them. They usually feel smart to find the right answer on their own, and you don’t come across as a know-it-all who can’t help but correct everyone for every stupid fact they spit out.
Confess when you’re wrong
When talking about fixing someone, the chances are that if you are the type of person who fixes someone else, you are also very wrong. Nobody likes to admit they are wrong, but the smarter you think you are, the more often you are wrong. It just has to do with territory, so get in the habit of admitting it.
We’ve talked about ways to admit you ‘re wrong , but for me it’s about taking the time to consider other options before reacting to them. If someone says I’m wrong about something or challenges me, I follow the advice of Signal v Noise author Jason Fried and wait a few minutes to respond. During this time, I will think about the idea, and not immediately discard it. That way, I can come back with an admission that I am wrong, or with another problem.
Of course, this is great for big ideas and arguments. Sometimes I’m just wrong about something, and in this case I learned the subtle art of saying, “Oh, you’re right, I’m an idiot.” The more you say that, the easier it gets. Better yet, when you do this, your friends and colleagues will respect you more for it.
The point is, I ‘ve never been as smart as I thought. A more humble approach to conversation helps to soften the occasional deafness in the tone of your typical know-it-all. I’m sure I haven’t figured out all the nuances here, and still sometimes go nuts with the know-it-all, but at least now I can follow it.