How to Support a Partner Struggling With Depression
Being in a romantic relationship with one (or both) of you suffering from depression is a serious problem. Depression can make your partner appear distant. They may feel like a burden or shut down. All of this does not mean that the problem is in your relationship. You two can work it out together. Here’s how.
As I said earlier, I have struggled with depression for many years . It didn’t stop me from starting a relationship, but it affected everyone in different ways. It is important to remember that how depression manifests itself will depend not only from person to person, but also from attitude to relationship. We can give you some tips and suggestions, but only you and your partner can determine your boundaries, your compromises, and what you can handle.
The good news is that this is not hopeless. A depressed partner can cause stress in a relationship. Death in the family, money problems, or disagreements over whether Firefly is good or not are also possible. Depression isn’t the first problem couples have faced, and it won’t be the last. As with any problem, you can work together to see a therapist and solve your problems. There are several ways to do this.
Don’t Take Your Depression Symptoms Personally
One of the key symptoms of depression is a naturally distorted sense of reality. Everything seems worse than it really is, and on some days, just getting out of bed in the morning can be overwhelming. When a depressed person is in a relationship, this lethargy can translate into things like dating, sex, or even simple conversations. If your partner feels like they have lost interest in these important elements of the relationship, it can be harmful. It is also very likely that the reason they are not interested in these things has nothing to do with you.
Part of the problem is that most of the symptoms of depression directly contradict the characteristics of a healthy and successful relationship . If you have a good relationship, you both need to be positive! You should try new things! You must lead an active social life with other people! You should have sex regularly! There are very few relationship guides that say a successful relationship is when your partner comes home from work, talks very little, watches Netflix for four hours, and then falls asleep for the next ten. What other couples see as warning signs is your daily routine.
These things may be warning signs, but not necessarily about you. If you’ve had a partner who has a broken leg, they may not be able to go on as many dates or have sex, but you can clearly see why. With depression, the problem is hidden. It’s easier to assume that you are to blame, because there is nothing obvious to point your finger at. On a lifestyle blog Literally, Darling explains , things only get worse when you see your depressed partner behave differently with other people, but that’s not a bad thing:
It’s hard not to take things personally. It’s even harder not to wonder if you’ve done something that depressed your loved one. When you are depressed, you feel this complete and utter inability to be yourself, and it makes it ten times more difficult when you are around loved ones; those. people who know the real “you”. Sometimes they find it easier to be with strangers: they put on a show. They may pretend they are not depressed for a short time. It can be very painful for you to see this, and sometimes you wonder if you are not the only one causing depression. But this is not the case. If your loved one is acting depressed because of you, this is, oddly enough, a good sign. This means that they love you and trust you enough to share it with you. Sometimes they try to hide it, sometimes they repulse it. The only thing to do is just be there.
Even in a healthy relationship, you cannot take responsibility for the emotional well-being of the other person. Depression can weaken your partner’s sex drive, make them seem boring about what you are talking about, or take away the joy of things they might otherwise like. These are definitely problems that need to be addressed. However, it is also important to understand that depression and dissatisfaction with your relationship are two different problems. As long as your partner says that you are not the cause of his frustration, take his word for it and try to work on other issues together.
Develop a plan to fight depression together
Don’t take your partner’s symptoms of depression personally, but don’t ignore them. The fact that depression can undermine your partner’s motivation for romance doesn’t make it any less painful to feel abandoned. If your partner was sick or injured, you would not be offended by him for it, but you would help him to get treatment. Depression is no different.
A supportive, loving relationship can actually be a huge benefit for someone with depression . However, this only works if you both work together to solve the problem constructively. This includes understanding your partner, but it also means taking practical steps to solve the underlying problem. The American Anxiety and Depression Association offers many ways to do this (learn about depression, encourage them to stick to goals, track progress), but one of the best ways to help is to go to therapy together :
Mental health professionals are increasingly recommending treatment programs for couples and couples. In one approach, the mental health professional uses a partner as a co-therapist. During the training, the partner can help the patient with homework assigned by the therapist. This may include accompanying the patient in anxiety-provoking situations and encouraging them to remain in the situation through anxiety-reduction techniques.
Even if you don’t go to therapy together (or don’t go to therapy at all), finding a therapist together and helping you treat your partner can make a huge difference. Set deadlines and goals for yourself so you know where you are striving. There may not be a definitive “end point” of treatment, but ideally you will be working on a sustainable solution that you both can handle.
It is also important at this stage not to force the treatment on the partner. You can help and support, but you cannot force your partner to do anything. If they refuse to get help, you may overestimate whether you can continue to support or stay in the relationship, but they need to decide for themselves how and when to get help.
Give your partner room for bad days.
Here’s what treating depression is: it’s a disorder. For example, “teaching a cat to draw on the fingers” is random. You can have all the plans, journals and goals and stick to them flawlessly. However, when you are suffering from depression, after a few days you will wake up, feel hopeless, scold for feeling hopeless, refer to the fact that you still feel hopeless after all your hard work, as proof that it is hopeless, curl up into a ball and stay there until you fall asleep. Things like that happen.
Of course, if you are dating someone who is depressed, you do not see this inner dialogue. All you see is someone sitting on the couch, spending all day in bed, or not answering your messages. At this point, it is tempting to nudge them to “get back on track” or be upset that they are “coming back.” It’s okay overall, but it’s also important to understand that bad days do happen. One bad day doesn’t mean the end of the world. In fact,
As author and psychotherapist Dr. Rita DeMaria explains , your love and support helps, but it is not a cure :
Your spouse needs your love, support and care. But these important qualities cannot reverse depression any more than they can control blood sugar levels, relieve arthritis pain, or unclog clogged arteries. Just as you won’t rely on love alone to cure an illness – or give up love because it doesn’t – don’t expect your feelings or attention to change your spouse’s brain chemistry. Use your love to get help and remind your partner of their intrinsic value during this difficult time.
Judging from the personal experiences of both the person with depression and the person who has supported a loved one, this is as important as it is difficult. The nature of depression is such that it suppresses the normal expected function of your emotions. Happy doesn’t make you happy, exciting doesn’t make you anxious. Here’s the problem . However, having someone around who accepts you when you feel bad (or don’t feel anything), without judging you for what you both expected, can mean the difference between recovering and returning to old habits.
Determine what each of you can handle and stick to it
Supporting a loved one in difficult times is always stressful. There is no getting away from this. This doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, but it can be dangerous to your well-being. You cannot help your partner if you are too depressed to act. It is romantic to think that we will “do our best” to help the people we love, but this way of thinking can undermine your own mental health. When you are helping a partner, be sure to set yourself clear boundaries of what you can and cannot offer.
This does not mean just having an idea of how much you can handle before breaking up (although it is possible). More constructively, you must define what you need to be happy, healthy, and able to continue to support yourself and your partner. This can include making time for your own hobbies, being alone, or hanging out with other people. According to the nonprofit mental health organization’s reference guide , this also includes refusing to be your partner’s therapist:
Set boundaries. Of course you want to help, but that’s the only way you can do it. Your own health will suffer if you allow your life to manage your loved one’s depression. You cannot be a caretaker around the clock without paying a psychological price. To avoid burnout and resentment, set clear limits on what you want and can do. You are not a therapist for a loved one, so don’t take on that responsibility.
You can remind your partner to take your medication or keep a diary, but this is not your responsibility. You can encourage them to go to therapy, but they also need to be able to pull themselves together at some point. This is not something that you have to coerce because you want to be heartless or cruel, but rather because if you are hooked for their full recovery, you will burn out and then both of you will be unhappy. You can be a loving partner, but if you don’t support each other equally (or at least roughly equal), it can cause resentment.
This also includes the ability to let your partner know when you are unhappy. When your partner is depressed, it is very easy to be afraid to mention when something is on your mind. Emotions are already fickle, but if you fear that telling your partner “You let me down” or remembering something that will make you angry or upset will trigger a depressive episode, you are more likely to contain your own problems. While it can help to let go of some of the little things, you also need to be able to speak up when you’re unhappy with the ongoing pattern.