Beware of “basement Thinking” When Talking With Your Spouse About Money
Even in perfectly healthy relationships, a discussion about money can quickly turn into a fight over money. In fact, money is the main cause of most relationship disputes . To keep your financial conversations calm and collected, avoid “basement thinking.”
Basement thinking occurs when you feel emotionally unwell, which forces you to automatically defend yourself about everything. You may interpret anything your spouse says as an attack. Indeed, this kind of thinking can ruin any topic of discussion, not just money. But with money, it’s easier to think about the basement, because usually such conversations are associated with a lot of emotions . Maybe you are worried about paying your mortgage next month. Maybe you are afraid that you and your spouse will not have enough savings for retirement. Maybe you cannot afford to save as much as your spouse and you are resentful. Worry, fear, and resentment are common emotions when dealing with money.
Finance writer Carl Richards suggests ending any conversation about money immediately when you notice that basement thinking is triggering:
A short break or a good night’s sleep can be critical and restore our energy. The higher our energy, the higher our thinking and the better the potential outcome. When we start or return to these conversations with the right energy, we tend to focus on opportunities rather than obstacles. Instead of negative emotions overwhelming discussion, we find ourselves moving away from “my path” or “your path” towards the idea of a third, better path. But that won’t happen if we let the basement thoughts sabotage the conversation.
This is a concept that I encountered in my own relationships. My partner and I often have perfectly calm monetary discussions, but as soon as something gets on our nerves, we become defensive and the conversation inevitably turns south. At times like these, it’s best to try them later so that the money doesn’t turn into a big, uncomfortable elephant in the room. Richards has a more detailed idea of this, check out his full post.
The Wrong Place and Time to Talk About Money | New York Times
Photo by kabladesch .