How to Maintain Your Dignity When You’re Knocked Out on a Date
When you finally get the courage to ask a friend out on a date and he says no, it can hurt you in many ways. Here’s how you can not only deal with the pain of rejection, but also keep your cool so you don’t hurt your future relationship.
Accept initial rejection with joy
How you act in the moment of rejection is important, and as much as you want to get upset, you need to remain calm and collected so that your friendship – or potential friendship – doesn’t get spoiled by your actions. The key to maintaining your dignity is to accept rejection calmly.
Don’t get angry and lash out for a moment or after. Remember, they don’t owe you anything. If they are not interested in you, just like that. However, you are still allowed to feel what you need to feel. You just better do it away from them. Take a deep breath, let them know that everything is okay, and when you have time for yourself, eliminate any remaining emotions. Psychologist Jeremy Nicholson also suggests that you don’t blame anyone, especially yourself:
Refusal is not your fault. Try not to personalize or take the blame. There are many reasons why someone might be disinterested, and very few of them are relevant to you at all.
It’s not their fault that they don’t feel the same way that you do, but it’s also not your fault that you had these feelings from the beginning. It sucks that it didn’t work out, but you don’t need to be ashamed of it.
Give yourself some space and take time out with some healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, hanging out with friends and family, reading a good book, or even playing video games. Make sure it’s something that you enjoy or are good at so you can take your mind off the situation and start feeling good again. Once you fix everything, you can fully accept the situation and move on.
Solve the problem of awkwardness
Being around a rejected person can be incredibly embarrassing. You both know how you really feel about each other, and it will make you both feel uncomfortable. This awkward atmosphere will not go away, so Internet Dr. Nerdlove invites you to take responsibility:
The awkwardness is in the way you act. Most people will receive cues from you; if you don’t be uncomfortable with them, they are less likely to feel uncomfortable around you .
When you are around them, try not to be overly emotional. Don’t look at them longingly and make sure you really speak. Talk to them just as you would to any other friend, because after all, they are your friend, or at least they were before asking them. Keep that in mind and try to focus on it … If it gets too quiet and weird, Nerdlove recommends calling it as it is.
You don’t have to say “ this is embarrassing, ” but admitting that it’s still a little weird is okay. They will probably agree, and you both have a good laugh, hoping the tension will ease a little. Of course, make sure you feel the tone first. It might be better to just apologize if the situation gets too weird. No need to apologize to them for the awkwardness, just solve the problem and try to move on to a new topic.
Stay friends while actually being their friend
The initial phases of friendship after rejection are like finding a minefield. You feel uncomfortable, you need to take it slow and watch your every move to avoid confusion. If you want to maintain a friendship, this must be taken seriously. Nerdlove explains that the key to staying friends with someone after asking them out is just being a friend:
… if after that you take the time to mope and moan about how unfair it is that they stubbornly refuse to develop feelings for you, you will subsequently kill the friendship. Likewise, you don’t want to turn your friendship into a referendum on why they won’t date you. If you consistently make your feelings for them part of your friendship, you won’t have that friendship for long. You got your answer, now you need to move on.
This means no hidden intentions to make them fall in love with you, no hope that they will change their minds, no creepy conspiracies to change their minds or “make them fall in love with you,” and no snotty actions when they start showing interest in to someone else. As dating expert Christy Hartman explains , friendship is a two-way street and may not be the best option for both of you right now:
Friendship needs a reason. People become friends for the same reason that they start a relationship – this person fulfills a need. Even if you can imagine friendship with this person you just met, you probably don’t need this person as a friend. And you can’t base your friendship on feelings of guilt or trying to make someone feel less rejected. Friendship only works when both agree. If one person wants more than friendship, that is not friendship, even if nothing physical happens.
You have to treat them – and think of them – the same way you would any of your other friends, or it’s all going to fall apart. If you don’t think you can do this, it might be time to say goodbye.
Take a break from them if you need it
Sometimes it takes a little time to heal. Maybe you can’t be their friend right now, but you can in the future. Nerdlove says you can take a break if you need it:
You may have to take some time away from them to get over them. If so, then you need to let them know: “Hey, just so you know, I need a little time to collect my thoughts.” This is about me, not about you, and I’ll come back when I get better. “
When you talk to them, keep things in a positive light and make sure it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make them feel guilty. Taking some time for yourself can be beneficial for both of you . You can put the pieces of your heart back together and they will have a little time to forget how strange it could have been before. By solving these problems, you can stay close to them without feeling discouraged and focus on being a true friend.
Don’t project your disinterest in them.
After rejection, your friendship can become fragile. You don’t want to make it seem like you are still addicted to them, but you also don’t want to try to make them feel bad. You can quickly kill the odds of any friendship, as Nerdlove calls it, by flaunting how “finished” you are.
This is rude towards your friend and can be rude towards the person you are trying to show off with. Alternatively, you can have a good mind in mind, but end up with the wrong opinion. It might seem like a good idea to show them how much progress you have made to make them feel more comfortable, but they may perceive it differently. You might feel like you’re saying “hey listen, I don’t like you anymore, so that’s cool,” but they can see and hear, “look what I’m doing, are you jealous?”
If you find someone new who you really care about, there is nothing wrong with sharing that person with your friends. Just don’t make explicit demonstrations of how much better you are right now. It’s childish and it’s best to avoid it, whether you mean good or not. If you feel like you can’t handle it, see the previous section (for example, take a break).
Do the right mindset next time.
Everyone has misunderstood the signals at some point in their personal life. It is important to remember that being rejected once does not mean that you will always be rejected. The next time you feel like friendship can turn into something more, don’t be afraid to experience the water. As Dr. Fredrik Neumann of Psychology Today explains , there is no point in dwelling on your past failures:
… that rejection is not necessarily – perhaps not even always – a reflection of who you are, what you write, or how you present yourself. People are denied everything for various reasons that have nothing to do with merit. Some people will indeed be taken with them, just as others will immediately turn away for reasons that are not even understood by this person, let alone you.
Just make sure you have time to think about your expectations ahead of time so that you can keep your hopes and emotions in check. The more you build something in your mind, the harder the blow can be when it happens. It’s important to be confident, but you can never guarantee that things will go your way. Set yourself up to better accept rejection in the future and cherish the friendship you still have.