How I Overcame Fear of Confrontation and Learned to Speak

Several years ago I took a new job and got a contract for a terrible project. There was no real job, so instead of technical writing – my real job – I wasted time making coffee for people and making copies. Instead of asking my boss about it, I kept it to myself. A few weeks later, she confronted me, puzzled, “Why didn’t you speak up?”

It’s very bad when your boss indicates that you need to speak for yourself more. I cringe at the thought of all the experiences that were more stressful than they should have been, simply because I was afraid of confrontation.

For a long time, and even now, to some extent, I was afraid to turn to another person about a problem – any problem. Here are some examples:

• If a friend did something that I didn’t like, I didn’t say anything.
• If I had a question, I wouldn’t ask.
• If I didn’t like the situation at work or elsewhere, I wouldn’t say anything.
• I didn’t even think about negotiating a salary.

In short, I was so afraid that interaction might turn into confrontation that it became a waste of time. In recent years, I’ve learned to get around this fear pretty well. And working on it helped me to completely get rid of fear.

Being weak is a lot of work

Inevitably, when I didn’t talk about something, I would shove it into bottles and worry about it all the time. I wasted a lot of unnecessary energy in worrying, which turned into resentment and anger, which took even more energy. Meanwhile, the person I was about to face was blissfully unaware that something was wrong. Apparently this was only a problem for me.

Researchers at Columbia University recently conducted research on weakness and lack of self-awareness. Conducted mock negotiations and asked people to rate their level of aggressiveness. Here’s what they found:

Many people who were thought to be assertive enough by their colleagues mistakenly thought they were being considered overly assertive, a new effect we call the line – crossing illusion .

In the study, 57% of people thought they were assertive when in fact they were not confident enough. The fact of the matter is that many of us are afraid of being too aggressive when no one really thinks we are aggressive – or, for that matter, cares about them.

And that’s where it becomes work. This study also showed that this forgetting makes us feel guilty about the alleged confrontation, which is why we want to rebuild the relationship. subjects who mistakenly thought they were too assertive also felt they had done something wrong. To try and fix things, they agreed to a worse deal. They did it to rebuild the relationship, but in the first place, things were not right.

I figured it out in my own way, gradually. For example, when I was bargaining, I chose the first number because I felt bad about not paying the full price from the beginning. But I’m tired of being the only one at this party. I realized that it actually took a lot less energy just to speak for myself.

Silence is unfair to others

It’s not very cool to think that others are thinking so much, but I had to work with my own thinking. I realized that my indirectness is unfair not only to me, but also to other people. This awareness attracted my natural commitment.

When I don’t ask questions, I fail at my job, and that’s bad for my boss. When I keep quiet about a problem with a friend, I become angry, resentful and passive-aggressive, and this is unfair to my friend.

Straightness is the best solution for long pictures. Even if forcing yourself to speak does turn into a small confrontation, it is usually a more favorable outcome than the alternative.

I forced myself to ask questions

When I realized it was time to be more assertive, I started small. I started with questions. The employee told me something that stuck with me: “You may look dumb when asking questions, but you look dumber when you don’t understand them because you couldn’t ask.” It helped because it was easy enough to ask.

I had a list of current questions, and I told myself that every time I had a meeting or one-on-one, I would force myself to ask a question from the list. When I did that, I found it very easy to get to them all in no time. My colleagues never laughed or laughed at the fact that I knew nothing. Once I realized that this fear was unfounded, it became much easier for me to speak openly. But I had to overcome this initial fear. The momentum from that small step – asking the question – helped a lot.

But if I was too scared even by that, if I was too scared to approach someone on a specific issue or issue , I would send them an email instead. I would write that when they have the opportunity, I need to ask them about any topic. Emailing just got easier so it kept me going. This led me to raise an issue or concern later.

I began to view failure and failure as progress.

Part of my fear of confrontation was fear of rejection and failure. If my boss or coworker thought my idea was stupid, that was my worst nightmare. It made me feel rejected and a failure.

After a while, however, I began to view failure and failure as useful things. In short, I have changed my definition of failure . Rather than seeing it as a lack of success, I saw it as a necessary part of success. Did I expect to win anything if I didn’t flaunt myself and keep everything to myself?

Instead of defending myself against failure, I began to accept it. If there was an idea, I voiced it. If I wanted a raise, I chose the time, built the business, asked. If this did not happen, good. At this stage, my main goal was first of all to speak out, and not necessarily to implement an idea or raise a salary. So if I forced myself to speak out, it was a success in its own way.

We’ve already written about the concept of accepting failure , but there are a few important things to keep in mind when failure occurs:

• Feel and reflect: don’t just feel bad about failure. Think it over and take into account any mistakes you may have made. Otherwise, you will not make progress.
• Take responsibility accordingly: understand where you were at fault and understand your limits.
• Confess and rethink: To move forward, think about how you can do things differently next time.

As afraid as I was of being wrong and failing, I was more afraid of the alternative – keeping my mouth shut and not moving forward in any way. In the end, make mistakes – it’s part of productivity .

I learned to be diplomatic

But I was afraid not only of failures and rejections. Another part of my fear of confrontation frustrated people. I hated telling people what they didn’t want to hear. Even worse, I didn’t want to get too assertive. I wanted to speak for myself, but I also didn’t want to become an inattentive, rude jerk. To combat this fear, I have learned to be diplomatic. Several things helped:

• Approach the discussion as a conversation, not a confrontation : A simple approach to a conversation in a certain way can make a big difference in its tone. We talked about how best to approach negotiations as a joint problem solving ; it works the same way. Instead of being aggressive, you work with the other person on a solution. Whether you’re telling a friend about something that bothers you or giving your opinion at work, it should be less about conflict and more about communication.
• Be kind : this is obvious, but sometimes you are so focused on the conversation that you forget to treat it politely because you are uncomfortable with it. I noticed I was doing this with customer service representatives. I really wanted to talk about the problem, so I immediately became cold and unfriendly, without even realizing it (inattentive moron?). It was only when someone pointed out that I could be better that I realized that I was defending myself. I began to try not to forget to be kinder, and in any case it is much more effective . In fact, it also makes things much easier. It’s easier to talk when you don’t have to worry about being pressured so hard. You can be kind.
• Choose your battles : I needed to find a balance between not saying anything at all and speaking too much. When I first learned to speak, it was an exciting experience. So I talked about everything. Has someone parked at my place? I asked them why. Did the friend do something a little annoying? I told them. I had a simple question that I could easily find on my own? I asked my boss anyway. The performance was great, but I had to bring it back a bit. I insulted my friend’s feelings. I pissed off my boss. Instead of talking about everything, I have now learned to choose my battles, so to speak. We suggested starting with a simple question : “Is the situation so alarming that it needs to be addressed?” If there is another alternative, or if it’s not that important, I let it go and save energy for more important things.

After all this, I think that in my heart people still like me. But by recognizing this trait and recognizing why I am generally afraid of confrontation, I was able to find ways to get around it. It’s not always easy, but it’s much easier if I remember each of these points.

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