What to Do If You Feel Too Bloated for Sex but Are Still Horny
We were all there, right? Ready to jump into bed, but disturbed by an ominous rumbling in my stomach. Here’s how to prevent bloating, gas, or food in babies from spoiling an otherwise sexy evening.
Take this gas off!
Try to clear as much gas as possible from your body before sitting down. Go to the toilet or bedroom for a few minutes. If you have some privacy, let it rip. If you are worried that your sex partner will hear your rectal cacophony, try placing some toilet paper on your buttock to muffle the sound. If you can get down to the floor, try the adorablely named yogapose forrelieving the wind . If you are in public, try massaging your belly clockwise to ease your bowels. If gas comes out on the other end, try to squeeze out as many loud burps as possible while you are alone. You can also drink some antacids, chew ginger, or take pepto. If the smell bothers you, try lighting a strong-scented candle.
Don’t disgrace yourself with the body
We are all to blame for the fact that from time to time we take food, baby. Bloating can be embarrassing, but you don’t need to avoid sex just because you feel a little Ruben. If you find yourself struggling with self-awareness at the moment, acknowledge the reality of the choices before you: “Am I really going to give up a night of passion with this magnificent creature because I am concerned about the size of my belly? cur? Really?”
Do not do it orally
If you are holding back because of your life, out of love for all that is good in this world, please do not let your partner come down on you. It’s just cruel.
Or anal
Also.
Avoid dangerous positions
Being a member of Doggy Style or Reverse Cowgirl is too risky if you have gas. You can also avoid poses that require flexion or abdominal stress. On the other hand, some people enjoy the pressure of an upset stomach. You know your body best.
Try to stay in positions that do not require much effort from you. Laying the spoon on its side is a fairly safe and easy position. Try looking in the same direction or facing each other.
If you have too much stomach pressure for intercourse (and are polite enough to rid your partner of a potential fart in the face during oral sex), you can still have a good time masturbating in front of each other, distracting each other with your hands, or using sex toys. The novelty of exiting in a new way can help you forget about the poltergeist that lives in your gut.
Ignore it and laugh at it
Even if you try your best, some sounds may slip out. If the rumbling in your intestines isn’t too loud, just ignore it. Don’t ruin the moment with a long, stuttering explanation of your mild gluten intolerance. If you find yourself distracted, you may be better off just acknowledging the noise (“sorry about that” or “just ignore it”) and move on as if it’s okay.
We are all human, and part of being human is farting, belching, and, as a rule, strange sounds and strange smells. It is natural to be embarrassed for a moment, but it shouldn’t ruin your entire communication.
If you’re dating someone relatively new, consider this experience a litmus test. A good partner will laugh with you instead of blaming or shaming you. But if you did drop the deadly one, you cannot blame your partner for running out of the room!
Take Preventive Measures Next Time
If you’ve passed the point of no return this time, remind yourself to prepare better next time. Take some digestive enzymes with you for your next fancy dinner. If you’re on a hot date, try to simplify your food and drink a little. Or follow Dan Savage’s advice and fuck first!