What I Learned by Going Back to the Dating Pool When I Was 30
Dating has always been a strange experience. There are rules, but nobody knows them. There are special codes, but no one has a cipher. However, for some reason, if you are not over 20, things are even stranger than ever.
I’ve always thought dating was a weird experience, but somehow returning to it in the past few years feels different. I was married for a few years, in my early 20s, so I missed out on the early days of online dating. It was also a much more carefree time when if you liked someone it was enough. But now that I’m in my 30s, the rules and expectations are completely different, making it much harder to get back into the game.
It’s hard to deal with the sheer number of opportunities that online dating has brought
Right now, you have billions of other people at your fingertips through many channels. As always, you can visit bars, clubs and shows. You can go to parties and barbecues. You can also go online and get access to the many single people in your area. It’s a long way from even high school when your dating pool was pretty much made up of your friends and their friends.
Online dating gives you more options than ever. Not only in people, but also in sources. Dating sites like OkCupid, Tinder, Match, eHarmony, and Plenty of Fish give you access to other single people in seconds ( although I’m too old for Tinder ). From there, you can sort people with enough filters to make Amazon jealous and then randomly spit them out a message that eventually came across the same thing as “Do you like me?” the notes you went through in high school.
These unlimited possibilities are good at first, but like any other solution, the sheer number of options will eventually put pressure on you. You are nitpicking. You wonder if their attachment to Vampire Weekend will be annoying. You question their weird use of Billy Madison quotes. You are paralyzed by both the abundance of choice and the fear that there is something better because “good enough” is not enough . I used to meet people in larger communities and that was enough. Now that the community has grown even larger, it is difficult to choose who to talk to at all, let alone meet in person.
Plus, with online dating, everyone is so concerned about how good you are “on paper,” which means very little. The algorithm can predict if you will get along enough to keep the conversation going, but it can’t predict if you will like each other, so people get upset. These percentages and up-to-date emails create expectations that are often impossible to meet. This algorithm ensures that you don’t want to cut each other’s throats (usually), but you cannot guarantee that shared political beliefs or preferences for your favorite cereal will spark a spark.
I have found that in general, online dating is difficult to keep up with. I was disappointed when a well-placed pun did not go unnoticed, and I was annoyed by the volatility of people online. I’ve had some great dates and met nice people, but I wasted too long to get there. This is essentially a full-time job, so make sure you put the whole idea into it and don’t overdo it . Uninstall apps from your phone, deactivate your account from time to time and give it all a break if it doesn’t push you. I met a lot of great people and found some cool bars but it was an empty experience.
The deal breakers have changed and they’ve gotten much bigger
When you’re in your 20s, deal breakers tend to be pretty superficial. It can all boil down to what kind of music they like, a dumb haircut, or a slightly annoying nervous tic. If you are smart, you will learn to ignore these things and become more open-minded.
When you turn 30, everything changes. Some of the terms of the deal are just as superficial, but people have added much more serious ones. In my experience, conversations on a first or second date have already begun to raise difficult issues about children, careers, home ownership, and marriage. The older you get, the less time you have left and the less time you feel like spending it with someone who is not pursuing the same goals as you. However, I was very surprised at how quickly these conversations started. This is neither good nor bad, but if you haven’t come to a conclusion about these things yet, do it before you step on the dating scene.
Of course, surface obstacles still exist, hiding deeper ones below the surface. I’ve interviewed random people over the past few weeks and found that expectations are pretty low overall. Several people of both genders mentioned deal breakers, such as “they can’t be slob,” “they need a fulfilling career or at least a hobby that they enjoy,” or “they can’t live in a house with more than one other. the roommate.”
But what is most surprising, what violates the terms of the deal? The one that almost every person I’ve talked to has mentioned? “There must be a bed frame.” It turns out that we still don’t ask too much of our potential partners … until the second date, when the conversation almost always comes to children and marriage.
The “game” is different, but the sharpness is king
Want to stop dating someone? Want to invite someone? Just say it (of course, not frightening ). When you’re 20 it all depends on the game, but the game changes as soon as you reach 30. Nobody wants to waste time running around, so if you want to ask someone out on a date, just do it. If you want to stop dating someone, please report it right away.
Likewise, the old “three-day,” “five-day,” or any other rule of asking someone out again at this age is no longer relevant. If you like someone’s company, invite them again whenever you want. Chances are, you two will have a fight for a while over scheduling conflicts before choosing a date anyway.
For the same reason, after 20 years, things seem to be progressing much faster. It was days of months and months before this awful talk of exclusivity surfaced. In my experience, this happens much earlier if you meet with someone often, so if you are not ready for this, back off early.
So what you doing?
Dating is weird no matter how (and when) you approach them. But if you come back to this after a while, I have a few suggestions based on my experience:
- Find out what you want if you don’t already know. Do you want children? Make it famous. Don’t want to stay in the city you are in and buy a house? Put these cards on the table early.
- Online dating is cool , but if you’re going to take this approach, stick to the same standards as in real life. It took Match a while to come up with a set of suggestions on how to deal with the abundance of choice . They suggest being a little choosy in the selection process, following your intuition, and making a list of qualities that are important to you. On a site like OkCupid, which uses quizzes to find matches, only answer the questions that matter to you and skip unnecessary junk. Just don’t be too picky, otherwise you will have the opposite problem – ignoring someone because of some superficial violation of the terms of the deal that you noticed on their profile.
- If you are meeting online, update your profile. Do a Google search right now and you will see thousands of articles on creating the perfect online dating profile. Everyone has their own opinion. Wired even counted . Results? Show, don’t tell. Be concise. Don’t mention your ex. Be funny. But not too funny. What are the correct activities? You can use statistics to improve your perspective , math to pick the best profile picture , and other math to pick your other photos . Reddit / r / okcupid (or whatever site you use) offers profile criticism to get rid of the bullshit . But it’s still a delicate balance: show yourself honestly, modestly and proudly.
- You can create the perfect profile, but this will only help you. Assuming my experience is the norm, whether it’s your first time meeting in person or online, people will google for you and find everything online. Make sure your online presence is in order . If the last time you met before the social media revolution, this would be a new concept.
- If online dating isn’t for you, the same old tricks will do. Go to places where there are like-minded people, spend time with friends, and talk to everyone you meet. For some reason, once I have settled into the comfortable open space of my 30s, I feel much more anxious to talk to the person sitting next to me at the bar, someone on the bike path, or wherever. Meeting friends after college is difficult . You never know when you’re going to meet a new friend, so it’s always worth keeping your eyes open. Sure, you probably don’t go to the club every night, but I’m sure you have some kind of niche activity where you meet like-minded people all the time. If not, find it . The good thing about meeting people in real life is that you tend to be friends first, so you already have a lot to talk about. One tip: if possible, go fishing on this birthday. There is something in the age range of 22 to 35 that it is sometimes difficult to determine someone’s age. If age doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it, but I’ve had quite a few moments where I found out that someone was 10 years younger than me.
- Once you get those drinks or whatever, make sure you remember how to make small talk and don’t waste time on boring questions about their work if they don’t have interesting ones. Likewise, in my 20s, 95% of the conversation seemed to revolve around pop culture, currently that figure is still hovering around 50%, but there is still a lot to talk about. Of course,then ,what you like is important , but the fact that you 30 (I hope), this adds an extra level of complexity. It honestly doesn’t even matter at first, this first drink is really just a test for any connection – just talk – please, please talk. There is nothing worse than two people staring at the clock in a bar.
- Don’t be afraid to leave. If something doesn’t work, even though it seems like it should, don’t try. You’re not 20 anymore, and you’re both probably busy – so in the end it’s just a waste of time. Likewise, if everything works, then let them keep working and not think too much about things.
All of this is neither good nor bad, but it is terribly different from what I remember the last time I went through all the dates. Whether you’re heading back to dating after being away for a while, or just rolling alone into middle age, get ready for some confusing times. There is of course a period of adaptation, so don’t be surprised if you fall face down a few times before getting comfortable with things.