How to Be More Assertive and Stand Firm in Conversation
It can be rude when you don’t feel like you are being heard in conversation , but it can be even worse when someone hears exactly what you are saying and tries to roll right over you. Here are some tips to help you defend your position and earn respect in conversation.
What does it mean to be assertive
Being assertive is not the easiest thing to do when you’re shy, so perhaps the best way to start is by explaining what assertiveness doesn’t mean. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive . Many people confuse them or think that you need to attack another person in order to declare yourself, but this is not the case. Assertiveness does not mean that you are making demands or telling someone what to do, nor does it mean that you are just trying to get your way. In fact, you can be assertive and still find a way to make a reasonable compromise with someone, no problem.
It all comes down to respect. You show respect for whoever you’re talking to, you make it clear that you want respect in return, and, most importantly, you respect yourself enough not to be trifling . Remember that assertiveness is about making sure your thought deserves respect from others. You are not trying to intimidate them or make them feel inferior to you. Therefore, try to avoid sarcasm, sarcasm, or other ways of communicating that might be misunderstood. Make sure you are well present in the conversation by maintaining eye contact, demonstrating positive body language, and actively listening to the other person. A little confidence never hurts, either . If you stick to this mindset and practice these other tips, you can be assertive without looking like a jerk.
Be specific and speak clearly
You cannot defend your thoughts or feelings if the other person is unsure of what you are trying to say. This means that you need to know what you want to say. If you’re not sure what you’re talking about, don’t say anything. If you are sure of what you want to say, reduce your thought to the most understandable form. Stay tuned and say exactly what you mean.
You also need to make sure other people literally hear what you are saying. Speak your words and project your voice through the diaphragm. It’s difficult when you’re shy, but remember, you don’t have to talk a lot. You just need to say what you think needs to be said. Take a deep breath and speak the words as clearly as possible.
Use fog if someone goes on the offensive
If you feel like you’re being opposed or attacked, the personal development website Skills You Need suggests that a fogging technique can take away some of the heat and keep you in an assertive role . When you fog up, you surprise the other person by agreeing with their statement, even if it is critical of you. For instance:
- Another person: “You are not doing your job very well.”
- You: “Yes, I’m not doing as well as I hoped, and I was worried that it was making you unhappy.”
By agreeing with the attacker, you disarm him. They hope to catch you in a weak position where you will be surprised or suddenly become defensive. But when you agree with them, they don’t feel like they have any advantage. This is a useful tactic for shy people who feel like others are taking advantage of their shyness. With the help of fog, you not only stand up and respond to the attackers, but also remove their fuel in order to continue the attack.
Be the record holder if they don’t want to listen
Assertiveness isn’t just about protection. In part, assertiveness is confronting others when something needs to be decided. However, some people are more difficult than others and will try to take advantage of shy people by staying firm. They hope you get too shy and give up before you can say what you need to say. In such situations, Clay Tucker of Psych Central recommends using the record breaking technique :
You calmly and firmly repeat a short, clear statement over and over until the other person understands it. For example, “I want you to be home by midnight,” “I don’t like the product and I want my money back,” “No, I don’t want to drink, I want to study.” Repeat the same statement in exactly the same way until the other person “gets off your back,” regardless of excuses, distractions, or arguments from the other person.
If you have something to get across, don’t back down. Will this annoy the other person? Yes, but that’s the point. You may be shy, but they must respect your thoughts, feelings, and choices.
Say “No” decisively with the phrase “Thank you, but …”
Saying no can be difficult, especially when you’re shy. You want to avoid as much confrontation as possible, but letting go of the conflict is bound to lead to one. If you need help saying no, Psychology Today’s Meg Selig recommends using the simple phrase “Thanks, but …” . Here are some examples:
- “Thanks, but I’m not interested in this.”
- “Thanks, but I can’t make it a priority right now.”
- “Thanks, but right now I need to be on my own a little.”
- “Thanks for thinking of me, but I think I’ll move on to that.”
- “Thanks for keeping me informed, but this time I can’t.”
Starting with the word “thank you” can help more than you think. If you honestly rate your “thank you”, it will be much easier for you to say your “no”. You say, “I appreciate what you are trying to say / do, but it will not happen, and it is.” Of course, if you are working on it, you can simply say no thanks with a smile. You don’t always need a reason why you say no , and a smile is a great way to cover it up.