How to Stop Blaming and Start Fixing Your Problems
It’s easy to blame someone (or something) for your problems. You are not in control of everything, and the world always finds a way to make your life difficult. But here’s the problem with assigning blame: it doesn’t solve anything.
Sometimes your situation legitimately gets out of your control. I was in situations where I was poor , mentally handicapped and had systemic deficiencies. Blame is a useful tool for identifying the source of a problem. When it comes to serious misconduct, it is worth finding out who is at fault and calling on him.
At the same time, blaming often leads to anger with no way out, feelings of hopelessness, or general hostility towards the people around you. This is not constructive. Knowing a problem is not the same as finding a solution. Here’s how to get past the (sometimes justified) blame stage and start solving problems.
Guilt is only useful for finding basic problems
When I struggled with depression (among other developmental problems) as a child, I was scolded a lot. I accused the doctors that they did not listen to what I said, the family that they did not understand me, my friends in insufficient care and the universe in cursing me with a broken brain. This type of guilt was not very helpful. In fact, it often alienated the people who were trying to help. Eventually, I started asking myself, “Is this person / thing really to blame for my questions?”
Sometimes the answer to this question was “Yes”. For example, when I was younger, I attended special education schools that used private rooms. This involved placing the child in a small concrete room with no windows for several hours. Later I learned that such practices either slowed down my psychological progress, and in some cases made it much, much worse.
It was easy to blame the systems I grew up with. In fact, that was also correct. I later learned that shortly after I graduated, a student committed suicide in a room similar to the one I was in. This ultimately led to the ban on the practice in my state . In this case, the accusation was used constructively. The act of placing an emotionally unstable child in an isolated, faceless room was identified as too risky for the child’s safety, and concrete actions were taken to prevent this from happening in the future.
At that time, I could not call for changes in the system in which I studied, but there were others. We found out which rules were to blame and solved the problem. From my own experience, I should have realized that this is the most effective way to use guilt. If I blame an external entity for my problems, but do nothing with this information, it will pull me in. However, if I use it to figure out the source of the problem and fix it, things can get better. Placing blame in the right place is the first step to improving your situation.
Distinguish what you can change from what you cannot.
It is an unfortunate limitation of humanity that we are not all powerful masters of our own existence. As a result, you will often find yourself in situations that harm you and that you cannot control. A poorly paid job , a toxic relationship, or the circumstances of your birth. Some things you can adapt to, others just will always be that way.
Once you have identified a problem, it can be categorized into one of these two categories. Knowing the difference is important to your peace of mind as well as finding a solution. This may seem banal, bordering on cliché (after all, this idea was already codified in early 20th century prayers). However, you cannot change what you can control so effectively if you cannot accept (even temporarily) what you cannot control.
Zen Habits, the appropriately titled blog for the concept, describes how to go with the flow when things happen that you have no control over. Most of the advice is about getting through the moment until you reach a point where you can actually make a difference (which we’ll come back to later), but one trick that I personally find universally useful is to laugh. :
It helps me to perceive things as funny rather than frustrating. The car broke down in the middle of traffic jams, and I don’t have a mobile phone or a spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. It takes a certain amount of detachment – you can laugh at the situation if you are above it, but not inside it. And this detachment is good. If you can learn to laugh at things, you’ve come a long way. Try to laugh, even if it doesn’t seem funny to you – it will most likely become funny.
In many situations, laughter is a completely wrong reaction at the moment (for example, I definitely did not laugh when I was placed in one of these secluded rooms). However, when you are worried about how to overcome what you cannot change, finding that detachment, even if it is an ironic humble laugh, can break the cycle of frustration and anger. The point is not to find humor in things that are devoid of humor. It’s about breaking the habit of focusing on wine. It’s easier to go from laughing at being fired to looking for a new job than if your starting point is unhappiness.
Of course, what you can change requires action. Ideally, this will be your focal point. You don’t like your situation and want to change it, right? Start by looking for the things you have. This may not be all you want to change, but it is something. You may not be able to quit your job, but you can study on the side. You cannot get taller, but you can dress in a way that makes you feel more confident. Make a list of what you can change and start there.
Phase one: change yourself
Society loves to make noise about “being yourself,” which is great advice if you interpret it as comfort in your own skin and value yourself. However, there are exceptions . Making changes to yourself is a really convenient way to indirectly change some circumstances. You can’t magically find a new job, but you can catch up on the ladder . You can’t get people to find you attractive, but you can learn to dress better or practice being curious about meeting new people . You won’t become less lazy by wanting to, but you can trick your brain into developing new habits .
A lot of this happened for me when I was dating. In my early years, I was terribly lucky to find a date. I tried to be nice and I wanted to be a good guy, but nothing worked out for me. I was disappointed and blamed everything around me until I asked a simple question: Am I really worth dating? As writer Chelsea Fagan notes, we expect a lot from others, but rarely pay attention to this type of analysis:
Everyone has a checklist. Whether he has three points or three hundred, we all have different things to look for in another person before we get into a serious relationship. If we really got to this point, most of us would say that the most important are “makes me laugh and treats me well,” but there is no limit to the number of stars we can put on what we want. They have to be tall, sexy, smart, witty, purposeful, live in a nice apartment, have good taste in sweaters, have a golden retriever named “Kennedy” or something like a yuppie, etc. But few of us find the time to look at the qualities that we have individually, to see how many checks we could mark on someone else’s list. As far as we are concerned, we all want to be considered disabled people, those who are in a constant state of evolution. I never want to think of myself as “good on paper” or not up to arbitrary standards – and yet we are happy to do so with every prospect that appears on our OKCupid home page.
As soon as I started looking inward, I realized that I could change something. Sure, I thought I was a good guy, but that didn’t qualify me for guaranteed dates. So I changed my wardrobe, cut my hair to ridiculously overgrown hair, and learned a few topics to be able to talk (or at least practice pretending ). As a result, more people interested me. My situation sucked, but I was able to change the part of it that I could control and fix it.
Phase two: change your circumstances
Changing your personal habits is the easiest way to start fixing something, but that’s not all. Sometimes situations arise that create undue stress in your life, no matter what you change, and you just have to get out. It can be more difficult, but it is rarely impossible that you cannot change anything.
Changing your situation can range from getting fired from your job to ending an unhealthy relationship. This is necessarily more difficult because they include something that cannot be changed in themselves: other people. Since bad circumstances tend to involve other people, you have one of two options: convince others to change, or, if that fails, leave.
There is no single correct answer in this area, but generally speaking, convincing others is a useful first step. If you have a hostile work environment, you can try to group like-minded people or contact higher authorities . If the relationship is stressing you, stop arguing and try to solve your relationship problems . Persuading others is the first step.
Unfortunately, trying to mend relationships with others doesn’t always work. Sometimes, you need to drop the towel and quit your job . Or the relationship goes from problematic to abusive . If a situation arises where you cannot live or work without risking your safety or sanity, it might be time to leave.
It is also important to note that this is not your fault , especially in extreme cases and insults. Taking control and changing the situation does not mean that you are to blame for this, and does not mean that you yourself bear the consequences of your departure. It cannot be overstated that abusive relationships (and work environments!) Will often make you stay or threaten you if you leave. And leaving is always difficult. You need this salary, you are worried about the children, or you are afraid of upsetting someone. These are all well-founded fears. However, there is always help. If you need to avoid unpleasant circumstances, lend a helping hand. This guide has excellent information on how to identify and avoid domestic violence .
Phase three: change society
There is another category of things that can be changed and over which you have no direct control: society as a whole. Unfortunately, this is not something that you can heal overnight, and in fact, many things may never change in your life. However, it’s important to mention social change here, because it’s a good bucket in which you can store all the guilt that you couldn’t handle when you started accepting things that you can’t change.
Here’s the hard truth: social change is slow. Some things are culturally accepted, which probably should not be, and we cannot change them all at once. Some of those things that you cannot control will happen because of things that need to change, such as racism, sexism, or just general systematic oppression. If you have categorized the blame for your problems into appropriate categories, have done everything in your power to improve your situation, and still have work to do, it might be time to start pouring that into some social change.
There is no right way to do this. We have a guide on how to communicate with local authorities . You can also influence change by supporting a respectful cause . Changes in a group are often more likely than alone. However, in my personal experience, even persuasiveness in small discussions matters.
You probably can’t change the world alone. However, cultural changes do occur over time. A century ago, society had yet to fully agree to allow women to vote , allowed all forms of discrimination based on race and gender, and did little to protect workers’ rights . Some of these things have changed faster than others, but they can change. The bad news is that the negative consequences of society can still hurt you. But if you can adapt and survive, you can help make the world a better place for others in the future.