Why You Should Stop Caring About Being Nice and Just Be Honest
Everyone wants to be loved and respected, but when you trip over yourself to be good, you are doing yourself a disservice. People may find you indecisive and possibly even insincere. Instead, try to be honest, polite, and assertive.
This post originally appeared on the Crew blog .
All my life I was considered a good girl. Mostly because I was shy and quiet and no one knew how to deal with it, so the kids at school just said I was good and it stuck.
In retrospect, I realized how harmful adherence to this standard can be.
When you focus on being nice, you may end up ignoring what you really feel and want, and even let people mistreat you because you’re too nice to tell them to fuck off. – at least they’ve had some of my experiences.
I think a lot of good people like me fall into the trap because we think we are good people. We believe we are doing a service to others by holding back criticism and saying something purely pleasant instead.
You can have strong opinions and still be a kind person. You can stand up for yourself while taking care of what someone has to say. People are so dynamic.
If you are trying your best to be good, it’s not in anyone’s best interest. In fact, a good attitude can be harmful to you and those around you in many ways.
Good people can be considered indecisive or lacking in opinion.
Many nice people won’t tell you they don’t want to do something. Instead, they will dismiss their opinion by saying things like “It doesn’t matter to me”, “I don’t care” or “I’m open to everything.” The point is, after you constantly shift decision-making to the people around you, you can start to lose sight of how you really feel.
Think about the psychological phenomenon of groupthink ; many of us – good people and not so good people – obey certain behaviors and opinions in our daily life because it gives us greater social acceptance.
Recently, a person very close to me noticed that I almost never expressed my own opinion, and they took it as a sign of distrust. They felt that I was still so insecure with them that I could not even answer a simple question, even after years of friendship. What’s even scarier is that when I dug deeper and tried to give a more direct, self-confident answer, I found I didn’t have one.
I felt addicted to being nice. I never wanted to be superfluous in a group, so I have always placed more value on other people’s opinions than on my own. But to be a good friend, colleague, or leader, you must be willing to share your opinions and also listen to others.
One way I’ve found to help re-evaluate how I feel about friendships, work, or even group activities is to list what you don’t like or don’t want to do . While most people are probably not nearly as self-conscious as I am, you may find this a useful starting point for re-establishing some of your opinions.
Being too polite can also lead to less honesty.
A “good” person can go beyond mere overconfidence and make you lie outright (because you think it’s better than hurting others). Instead of honestly saying, “I’m just not in the mood for a walk,” you also:
- Leave it to someone else (“I don’t care; what do you think?”) Or
- Lie completely (“Oh, I would like to, but my cat has tap dancing lessons today”).
A study from the University of Notre Dame in Indiana not only aggravates your relationship, but also found that people who lie often suffer from adverse health effects. The study found that when participants lied less, they experienced fewer physical and mental health complaints, such as headaches and feelings of tension.
It may sound like an exaggeration to say that good behavior will cause health problems, but the stress of lying in the name of courtesy can definitely put psychological and physical pressure on you.
Nice people can appear passive.
If you are constantly trying to say and do only nice things and not have opinions of your own, people may start thinking of you as passive and boring . If your friends and colleagues have always asked for the opinion of someone who agreed with them, they could simply ask the mirror.
It’s important to understand that people are interested in your opinion because they care about what you say .
Whether it’s your home life or your professional life, you don’t want others to think of you as boring, right? Share your true opinion with others and they are more likely to view you as a dynamic and unique person.
People who strive to be good are also more obedient.
A recent study published in the Journal of Personality showed that good people are more likely to follow orders given to them by an authority figure, even if those orders cause someone outright pain. In an experiment like Milgram, the researchers found that people who cared more about being nice and nice were more likely to follow orders to use an electric shock that could harm an innocent person (the innocent person was an actor, unknown to the participants).
However, people who were less agreeable and more contradictory in nature were more likely to question the ethics of such orders and refused to shock the innocent person.
While we may think that following the whims of others is doing them a favor, you can still be a good person and stand up for what you think is right.
Good people praise when they don’t deserve it.
It’s nice to compliment and compliment a job well done, but if you don’t really think someone else did a good job, it could harm them and your relationship. Not only are you holding back the corrective feedback that person needs, but you can hurt their self-esteem when they realize that you are saying you are just to be good.
It is especially important for people in any leadership position not to focus so much on being nice, but instead to focus on being a strong leader. This doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk; you just don’t have to treat everyone’s emotions like an eggshell.
I’ve found that a good way for me to give corrective feedback without looking like a jerk is to use a sandwich approach, offering an honest compliment on the topic under discussion, followed by my criticism, followed by another endorsement or sincere praise. Although there is some controversy about whether this method is effective or not. Personally, I haven’t had any problems with this, but there are certainly other methods you can try. The important thing is that you provide realistic feedback, not just good behavior. And if you really don’t like something, but want to gracefully express your dislike, phrases that draw attention to the fact that your statement is an opinion can often be a good buffer (for example, “It might just be me, but .. . “Or” In my opinion … “).
Insincere mercy can cause resentment
Oddly enough, consistently treating people well can make you dislike and dislike people who benefit from your politeness.
Failure to do what others want to do can make you stressed, overworked, and bitter towards the people you are helping, which negates the purpose of doing good.
As Alexia Elehelehde-Ruiz of the Chicago Tribune notes, we tend to focus on saying yes to others and being polite because we think it makes us better in some way. In fact, we behave dishonestly with the people we help and deceive ourselves, seeking relaxation and self-realization.
In fact, one study cited by Elehalde-Ruiz shows that most people dislike both ends of the spectrum – overly selfish and overly generous. In particular, the participants did not like overly generous participants because they made the rest of the participants “look bad.”
While my goal is not to convince you that good people are weak and that being utterly grumbling is better for you and everyone around you, I hope this will make you wonder how sincerely you express “good” actions and words.
If you really mean the good things that you say and do, that’s great. But if you don’t, just tell me how you really feel. Everyone will be better off.
Why You Should Stop Caring About Being “Good” | Team blog