How to Get Rid of Mom’s Guilt (or Dad’s Guilt) Once and for All
The moment your newborn baby is in your arms, a whole new set of emotions rushes in – pride, joy, surprise, fear and, yes, guilt. Because in everything that you do or do not do as the guardian of this child, you are always to blame .
In any case, sometimes it is the same as the parent. Who did not dismiss their children (“Not now, son, I’m busy”) only to later regret their choice (even if at the moment you were working on finding peace in the world or writing an article about overcoming this feeling of guilt) ? Most often it is called “mom’s guilt” because we, mothers, tend to scold ourselves – and others blame us – for raising our child, but fathers also feel this guilt. It has to do with parental territory.
How Parents Can Feel Guilty
We have an almost endless number of reasons to feel guilty. But to give you an idea, here’s a short list:
- Mom’s milk may not be enough to breastfeed the baby, or the mom decides not to breastfeed when everyone says it’s best for the baby.
- You forgot again that it is pajama day at school (or, in my case, you sent your child to school in pajamas on the wrong day).
- Your child is allergic to dogs, and you have three of them.
- You took your child to the playground, but it is very hot and you forgot your hat or sunscreen.
- You took the child to the playground, but it’s cold there and you forgot your hat and gloves.
- You cannot find expired library books.
- You missed a concert or soccer game because of work or possibly other plans.
- Your child doesn’t get along well with many other kids at school and you wonder if he or she inherited your bad social skills .
- You are raising an only child and feel guilty about not having a brother or sister (especially in the future when you are an aging parent and the burden of caring for you lies solely on his or her shoulders).
- You are raising several children and you cannot give each of them the same attention all the time. Or you secretly give preference to one of them.
- Your child has acquired some awful language or habits, probably from watching you. (You know they are always looking at you.)
- Your child asks to play with you, but you say that you cannot, although you may have time. (You just need another 10 minutes in the bath alone! Or you really want to get some work done. Or you’re tired of playing Skylanders.)
- You cannot give your children everything that your parents gave you.
- Your kids are on the McNuggets diet and chocolate milk. Sometimes on weekdays, and so are you.
- You lose patience and harshly or yell at your kids – the biggest guilt factor in parents, according to one survey (more than work, spanking, or missing a school event).
Initially, this short list contained roughly twice as many bullets, but you get the point. In almost everything that affects your children, you may feel guilty, justified, or not.
Why do we feel guilty
Some of these are the result of our own decisions or the presence of reason, but obviously others are either out of our control or of little importance in the grand scheme of things. (Pajamas day will come again.) But many of us hold higher standards in parenting than perhaps any other endeavor. Here are my theories.
First, everyone has their own opinion about parenting because we’ve all seen it in action throughout most of our lives. We have had a lot of time to think about what our parents did right or wrong in raising us, and therefore we have an idea of what we will and should do as parents – what it means to be a “perfect” parent. Drive your children to and from class with a smile, never raise your voice, cook healthy foods that children eat, never forget about parent committee meetings (or even going to them), and so on. It is difficult and almost impossible to never deviate from the ideal or never feel guilty when we are often torn in many directions.
For many of us, parenting is also a huge part of our personality, and anything that goes well or goes wrong can seem like a reflection of our efforts or abilities. Did your child get excellent grades in school? Well done, mom and dad! Not on the honor roll? Why didn’t you push them harder? Unlike many other activities, the stakes are very high when raising a child – a person you can scar for life (and who can forever blame you for it).
Other people don’t help either, from your child reminding you of the time you cut him with the most crooked haircut to people in a restaurant or on an airplane throwing dirty looks at you if your child is crying or stuck to the iPad. Don’t even make me talk about other parents in the playground or parenting forums.
What can we do with this everlasting guilt
The truth is that some guilt can be productive, and it is a valid emotion that we can learn from. Rather than eradicating all guilt, the real goal is to separate unproductive and undeserved guilt from the one that helps us become better. As Forbes writes:
Quite frankly, you cannot win [the battle between parental excellence and your individual adulthood]. But you may be able to raise children who are better equipped to cope with a culture that promotes unattainable and contradictory ideals, while simultaneously relying on the economic marketplace for information and goods that promise to temporarily soothe media-induced feelings of inferiority.
To do this, you need to take into account your past performance and take appropriate action. This is how we model critical thinking and self-reflection for our children. Recognize your tendency to be wrong and be ready to adapt and change.
Here are five steps to try:
1. Decide if you really should regret what you did. Not attending a school fair even though the parents of your children’s friends do everything? Don’t feel guilty. On the other hand, if you forget to take your child to the fair after promising to do so, it creates feelings of guilt. (Next time, you’ll remember to write this down on your calendar.) Other things you shouldn’t feel guilty about include things that are essential to your well-being, such as going to the gym and leaving your child in kindergarten, or enjoying a party with your spouse. We aim to put our kids first, but that also means we take care of our needs (the rule of thumb for an emergency oxygen mask on an airplane comes to mind).
Also, separate what you can control (your child brushes every day and avoids unhealthy foods) from what you can’t (tooth decay) to put things in perspective. If self-criticism is a problem for you, ask yourself: if a friend came to you with the same regret, would you think the guilt is justified?
2. Make a decision to let go of some things. Sometimes my daughter goes to school in very incompatible outfits, her hair is disheveled because we ran out the door. Her room and (who am I kidding?) Our house often looks like someone took everything out of the drawers and threw them on the floor. While I would have preferred her to go to school in perfectly matched clothes without ink stains and neatly braided hair, and our house was ready to welcome guests at any moment, I have to choose my battles. Remember how Debra Renner, co-author of Mommy Guilt , writes on Parentopia :
Parenting is not perfection. Learning to be a more effective parent is not the same as learning to be a skilled glassblower. Glass lacks the ability to respond, challenge, or call you “the world’s most evil parent.” We do not bring up inanimate objects, we are people too.
The authors of Mama’s Guilt have written seven principles for a philosophy of not being guilty about Mom , but this may be the most important one: you have to be willing to let go of certain things and prioritize what is most important:
Safety Note: It is your responsibility as a parent to create a safe environment in which your child can grow and learn. The first trick to help you prioritize is to ask yourself, “How will my child be harmed if I don’t do this task now?” If the answer is “little or no,” then you’ve just found an item that can be easily dropped from the Priority Totem Pole.
Housework is a perfect example. In our survey for this book, 59 percent of participants reported feeling guilty about not doing housework. So please listen to this: Your home can look like children are living in it, even if guests come to your place! You can put toys on the floor, snacks on the table, and stack your shoes near the door.
In other words: “You’re doing too much anyway. You’re not Superman. “
3. Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Working parents may feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children; Stay-at-home parents may feel guilty about not bringing paychecks home or their homes are not perfect. There is no way to win in this comparison game (and parenting is not a competitive sport ), so remind yourself that you are making the best decisions for your family. (Also, your Pinterest lying. Not all parents to bake the most delicious food, they do together with their children, make the children’s rooms in tree houses and provide perfect home. Normal is a laundry everywhere, and bath toys remain in the tub after it has been drained water).
4. Pause before reacting. Some of the worst guilt-inducing moments happen because of our knee reflexes. (Usually after a long day when we were almost all right.) Try to make it a habit to pause before responding to children – whether your child is “good” or “bad” – and you can become more attentive. , a calm and less stressed parent.
5. Find practical solutions to serious things that make you feel guilty. Finally, if you feel guilty about your work-life balance, try solutions such as asking for flexible hours or combining a business trip with a vacation . If you feel like you’re running out of time, try setting aside an hour or so to fully focus on your kids, playing whatever games they choose. Also, find a sound board – friends or other parents in the same boat – to help overcome other pangs of guilt for which you cannot find solutions.
Finally, remember that guilt is a sign that you truly care about your children and want to do what is best for them. As Anil Dash says in the Motherboards podcast, there are no bad options :
There are no bad options here. The only bad choice for you is to be an unhappy parent, not to be present, not spending as much time with your child as you can, or not meeting these basic needs – the needs of the biological level.
Kids are surprisingly forgiving too, as evidenced by all of us adults who still talk to our parents, even if they really did the way they sent us to school with terrible haircuts.
Photos frankieleon , momaster .