How to Deal With Friends Who Are Overly Needy
If your friend needs too much attention, money, or a place to live, you probably feel a little tired of carrying the burden of his responsibilities. An encounter with a friend in need can end badly, but there are ways to get rid of it without sacrificing the friendship itself.
There is nothing wrong with being generous, but sometimes you give someone an inch and they give a mile. We all had friends in need, but since they are your friends, you don’t want to face the situation and offend them. Instead of confronting them face-to-face and insulting their feelings, try a few more subtle tricks that will give you the same results.
Be there in your friend’s hard times
The Law of Association, which you can learn about in Make Someone Do Something , by David J. Lieberman , states that “by matching yourself to pleasant stimuli, the other person will begin to associate you with that feeling.” In other words, if you present your friends with good experiences such as fun parties, promotions, etc., they will associate you with the feelings they had at the time. If you remember, you can probably remember someone you liked just because you were in a good mood or had fun at the time. The same thing works with negative experiences, Lieberman explains:
Conversely, research in this area shows us that, for example, when you have a stomach ache, those around you become unconscious victims of the circumstances, and you tend to love them less. There is, of course, more than just a combination of pleasurable stimuli with a person, but it can evoke strong feelings, good or bad, towards you.
If your friend is too needy and demanding of attention, report your presence during his bad experience. The friend will slowly but surely begin to associate you with negative emotions and will want to spend a little less time with you.
Be careful and keep coming in good times so that your friend not only associates you with a bad experience and doesn’t start to hate you. In times when you feel like their needs are a little overbearing, you can use this rule as a quick way to deflect them for a while.
Introduce your friend to other self-sufficient people
“ You are, on average, of the five people you spend the most time with. ” – Jim Rohn.
If you have other friends who are happy and able to rely on themselves, start bringing your friend in need and see how quickly their behavior changes to match that of the new group. You can easily look around your life and see patterns between you and your closest group of friends. You all likely have similar eating habits and work ethics, among other things. Social Psychology: A look at social conformity over the centuries explains how people’s need for the approval of others affects their conformity to social standards. It even works in small groups.
Your friend will also be influenced by the social norms of your group and will begin to obey them. If, for example, a new group of friends is proud of their financial stability, then your friend most likely will not want to be considered “cheap” in the group and will work to move on. Or if they all have a habit of quickly complaining and saying, “But I don’t want to bore you guys with this. Let’s just have a good time! ” then your friend will start showing similar sentiments after he gets a hint that excessive complaints are frowned upon versus a quick expression of a bad day and move on. We have a very strong desire to fit together, and your friend can go to amazing ways to fit in with other, more self-confident people.
Prove your no with a self-contained alternative
You will probably blow up your friend here and there, and you hate doing it. Some friends in need are exceptionally good at making simple problems seem like emergencies and making them feel guilty when they don’t get their way. When you turn down their invitations to chat or help, gently offer a more self-sufficient alternative to nudge them in the right direction. They may rebut your decisions, but stay firm. This is a subtle way to encourage a needy friend to look for more independent options that do not involve depleting those closest to him. For example, if a friend asks you for money, say, “I don’t have it. I’m sorry. Maybe you can earn an extra shift at work? “
Make yourself less accessible
If it gets to the point where you feel used, depleted, and used up, take a step back. Set clear boundaries to help them understand that you will not be as many as you used to, so that they are prepared and do not feel like it’s unexpected.
You can be forward and concise within your boundaries, or you can be more subtle. About relationships gives one example of fine-tuning boundaries with a friend who calls after hours:
Let’s say you don’t like phone calls at night after you get home from work. If your phone rings, you have the option to let go and get voicemail or an answering machine. The next time you talk to your friend, you might mention something like, “I’m so tired after work that I just leave the house and don’t even answer my phone. Can you taste me before dinner? ” This will let your friend know where you are when on the phone.
Being inconspicuous is less of a risk for trouble in the end than sitting next to a friend to talk about how needy and powerful they are.
Reinforce positive
Teach your friend to relate to you and to yourself by reinforcing positive behavior in any way you can. Tell them that you are proud that they found a job, happy that they found another outlet for their many emotions, and glad that they are expanding and meeting new people. Invite them to celebrate promotions and other accomplishments they might not have worked for before. By helping them feel good about the hard work they have done to become happier and more independent, you will help them stay motivated to keep going down the same path.
If all else fails, give your opinion.
Subtlety can work, but it can be difficult for some people to understand your point of view. If all else fails, gently tell your friend that you think he is relying too heavily on you and that you would like him to expand and meet new people and learn to be a little more self-reliant. This can be a difficult conversation, but sometimes it is most effective because your criticism is coming out clearly . I hope your friend understands, shortens the time you need, and works on his happiness and independence.